The Hack And Sack

– A thousand boo-urns and one giant Boo Williams go out to Kevin Smith’s Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks. What happened Kevie? Can’t think of another schmaltzy Ben Affleck piece of crap to force on all of us? And what’s up after this, Mallrats 2: Electric Boogaloo? Or that ill-fated Fletch movie you want to helm? Call it a day Kevin, will ya? Go back to yer lil comic book store and beat off to Aquaman already. Here’s a pre-peace the fork out to yer ‘career’!!

– Want to catch a glimpse of the Lohan & Herbie? Then get yer a$$ to the NASCAR Nextel Cup Pop Secret 500 this weekend at the California Speedway, where they’ll be filming. And if yer lucky, maybe you’ll see Breckin Meyer!!

– Man may have landed on the moon on July 20, 1969, but something more important occurred on September 2 of the same year: The internet was born!!! I mean, yeah, going to the moon is cool and all, but do they have free porn there?

– Talking toilets have been installed at a cultural center in Amsterdam. If yer on the shitter for too long, say 50 minutes, the throne will say, “Do you know that during this 50 minutes you’ve spent in the toilet, 50 people have died in wars all over the world?” These would not be the ideal toilets if you were shrooming yer balls off in the Dam.

– The soundboard we’ve all been waiting for: Borat’s. [via Wanamaker]

– A Chinese chimp has picked up the nasty habits of spitting and smoking because she’s sexual frustrated. I guess chewing ice is not a big thing in China.

– This weak’s sign that the world has no taste: Garfield the movie mcnabbed $64 Million at the foreign box office.

– Matt Damon’s uncle became the oldest geezer to swim the English Channel. How do you like dem apples?

– Man Sentenced For Watching Porn In Car. I guess he was caught white-handed.

– Garbage art mistaken for real garbage.

– Remember those AT&T “You Will” commercials? They promised all sorts of crazy things like being able to renew yer drivers license at an ATM, and getting hand jobs on Saturn. Well, we all now that shiz aint happening, but what about flying cars? Looks like we’ll be waiting for decades.

– How come nobody told me that one of me mostest favorite Hitchcock flickzies, Strangers on a Train, is being re-released in a special 2-disc DVD set next week? And please, don’t judge this book by its retched new cover.

– And we all love Elvira’s bizoobies, right? Well, now you can see them in all their glory, plus her bushy von poo-nanny, and much more here (mos def NSFW)! [via Anon Amos, the Dirt Bag]