The Thigh Master’s Take On

Return of the Jedi is commonly known as the sh#t stain of the original trilogy (I disagree with that statement since we’d be Admiral Akbar-less without it). But in that way of thinking, since the first two installments of the ‘new’ trilogy were worser than watching a movie about Rosie O’Donnell taking a dump on a bowl of microwaved tunafish, the third one has got to be f-in mint x457783227. How is that possible with George Lucas writing and directing it? Dunno, but the teaser trailer RIZocked (available for here or for you AOLers here and in theaters before The Incredibles)! Here be some screen caps from the trailer and what we can expect…

C-3eep lookin’ cleaner than ever. He must have had one of those full-on spa treatments, including an oil bath, at the Coruscant Four Seasons. But in the end, who really cares, cause he’s still the gayest of the gay robots!

In Episode III, Padmé has gotten really bored babysitting Jar Jar, hanging out with the lecherous Sio ‘Invasion’ Bibble, and doing Ani’s laundry that she decided to open a Cinnabon. To show how much she cares about her new bidness, she even wraps her hair in the style of the company’s product. When she doesn’t feel like working, she forces one of her look-a-likes to show up. That list includes Sabé, Dormé, Cordé, Condé Naste, Condoleezza Rice, and Qadry Ismail.

Obi-Wan knows that a Jedi must never fall in love. This is why he bangs as many Mos Eisley prostitutes as possible. Here’s a shot of him getting one of the breastest hummers he’s had in quite awhile.

Everyone knows that in Jedi the Endor planet filled with cutesy Ewoks was suppose to be the Kashyyyk planet filled with uber-hairy Wookies. Well, Georgie busted his budget this go-around and gives the peoples what they want: more fuzzballs. Hopefully these Wookies won’t be as awfulisitical as the ones who co-starred in the ‘infamous’ horribilistical Christmas Special, like Chewie’s wife Malla, son Lumpy, and father Itchy. Anywho, I hear a popular game on Kashyyyk was named after its inventor Chewbacca: Chewbaccagammon.

I don’t know who the funk this is, but my guess is Count Dooku. Word on the street is that the Count went to a tanning salon, at the request of his daughter Eliza Dushku who thought he was too pasty looking, and he fell asleep in the tanning bed for over 10 hours. The Count is currently in deep litigation with the tanning salon for lose of wages from his modeling career.

Ani’s been too depressed recently and keeps having these wet dreams about his deceased mother that he actually seems to enjoy. So at Yoda’s insistence, he saw a psychiatrist named Wob Snootzill. Wob prescribed an endless amount of Xanax. At first all is fine, but as time passes, Ani stops taking his meds. The result? Longer hair, sleepless nights (hence the sags near his eyes), mood swings, a passion for leather outfits, and an improvement in acting skills.

Synchronized Jeding: the latest exhibition sport to be exhibited at the Beijing 2008 Summer Games

The moment we’ve all been waiting for, where Hayden Jewishesian gets replaced by a something that’s more machine than man! As James Earl Jones’ first duty as Dark Lord of the Sith, he takes revenge on MLK Jr’s assassin James Earl Ray. On his days off, he does some voice over work for some Disney toons, CNN, and the company formerly known as Bell Atlantic.

Is this shiz gonna rock or what? I mean, how can it get any worser thanJake Lloyd, Dex and his space diner, slurring Asian aliens, bugs that fart when they talk, and the bane of my eggsistance, Jar Jar STINX. Lettuce all pray that Lucas gives mad screen time to Jimmy Smits and his wicked cable knit turtleneck sweaters.

May the force be with us, always…