Pocket Full of Walter Cronkite

Since being exiled to Thighberia, it’s been nuttin but downhillness for HFormerRTness the IIIrd. First she locked herself within the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant and started playing Risk (Parker Bros stizz) with herself for 17 straight days. That might sound like a good stress reliever for a person who juss got dumped on one’s ass, but she refused to conquer any other territories besides Kamchatka, Yakutsk, and of course, her beloveded Irkutsk. When she tired of that she proceeded to watch Robin Williams bang two chicks [both NSFW] in the pseudo prequel to The Terminal, Moscow on the Hudson (which is still 91% fresh!), frame-by-frame on her 1999 Divx DVD player. After 48 hours, the machine asked her if she wanted to cough up $3.25 (92.547 Roubles) to unlock the Divx disc for another 2 days, but she was a lil short on cash since she withdrew from the China Open and thus had to figure out a new way to entertain herself. With not many options at her finger banging tips, she embarked on a massive love making fest with each of her Simpsons matryoshka (Russian nesting dolls). You poor thang, with your poon tang. Tssk, tssk, tssk, from Chicken Kiev to Irkutsk. But don’t be red scared babe, cause the Coen Bros and I have come up with a grand idea to help save your career. I give to you…

• Another week of NFL fooball and the Skins are STILL undefeated!! The same can’t be said of my three fantasy teams, although Brian Westbrook is the new Michael Westbrook, which really isn’t saying much, but they do have the same last name, but neither of them have big bobs like Danniella Westbrook

• Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G/Borat/Bruno for u idjiots) invaded NASA, and now believes he’s being watched by the CIA. If dat’s tru, he better cease and desist from wearning juss one red shoe!

• Con-caps-ulations to homewtown hero, and dear family friend, Jeff Halpern for being named the 12th ever Capitals captain in franchise history!! Hope to see you during Rosh Hashanah, where many things are horny and blown.

• By the looks of these snaps, I’m gonna bet that Senor Spielbergo’s Munich is going to be the best eurotrash porn movie of the winter! But don’t be confused when they release it in theaters under the name München Box

• I guess 60 Minutes wants to appeal to a younger audience by replacing George Hamil-tanned Mike Wallace’s mug with hoop earring gangsta Ed Bradley as the first face of the show. Howevski, if they want to appeal to anyone in general, they should throw Dan Rather in the Hudson with all copies of Moscow on the Hudson, before Moscow on the Hudsucker Proxy gets released. Btw, how purrfect of a world is it that Andy Rooney and Kurt Vonnegut are friends?

• Why donate money to a hurricane relief fund when you can spend it more wisely on a DVD consisting of Body Count’s (Ice T’s rock n’ rap ‘Cop Killer’ crew) performance at San Bernardino’s Smoke Out Festival in 2003?!

• Losers unite for VIDEO GAMES LIVE, a full concert orchestra performing the music of Halo, Mario, Zelda, Tron, and yes, even Everquest II, whatever the funkdoobiest that is.

• And peace le Geordi LaForge out to Bond, Tommy Bond, aka Lil Rascal Tommy/Butch, aka the first live-action Jimmy Olsen….

“Jimmy Olsen’s Blues (Live)”
by the Spin Doctors
[d-lode]