Folsom Prison Boos
18. Nov, 2005 
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Walk The Line
A Fine Line Between Passable and Mediocrity
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While not at the level of unwatchable biopic awfulnessness that was last year’s Beyond the Sea, Walk The Line is still an udder disappointment any way you drink Slice. For a flick about one of music’s most intriguing men, we surely didn’t learn a heck of a lot about em, eggcept there was a family tragedy early on in his life, and the rest of his days were spent popping pills whilst chasing June Carter’s skirt before she finally agreed to be his woman in black. You’d be better off watching his ‘Hurt’ video [watch NOW] 26 times over than you would investing yer money and mind in this middle of the road romantic dramedy. Aka, 3+ minutes of Mark Romanek’s extraordinary work is a far more fitting tribute than 136 minutes of James Mangold’s safe and pedestrian portrait of the artist as a regular guy who happened to like pills and June Carter. This movie has ZERO Oscar buzz. You don’t even realize that Joaquin Phoenix is playing Johnny Cash until he appears on stage and sez, ‘Hello, I’m Johnny Cash‘ (oh, so MEMORABLE!). Sure he can sing a bit like em, but I never bought into it, the way I did when Jamie Foxx channeled the spirit of Ray Charles. And while JP tries his best to sell his Cash, to my sirprize, Reese Witherspoon carries the entire movie. But alas, I doubt anyone wants to pay good (or EVIL) money to see the June Carter Cash story. So take yer 10 bones and throw it into a savings acct, so in the future when a more definitive Johnny Cash flick is released, you can pay for the ticket, cause it’ll probably cost $50 by then… which will still be a better value than going to see a play… which rarely has rad explosions or nudity that you can eventually A-B repeat on DVD, or on whatever future home video format that will eggsist, like HDVD-RSVP-TV-OPP.
Recommended for those who like: the T-1000, faux Maggie Gyllenhaals, and Shooter McGavin and Waylon Jennings’ lovechild
Possible Porno Name: Walk (Your Penis Into) The Line (That Splits My Butt Cheeks)
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Ray, La Bamba, Great Balls of Fire!, The Buddy Holly Story, or Amadeus
Further Fun: List of fictional fiction books, including Old Custer and Wild Cat, by Eli Cash [audio]
