40-Love… d IT!!!

Match Point
More On Point Than House of Pain’s ‘On Point’
all apologies for using the ‘on point’ ref 4 the funteempth time
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Bee leave the effin hype peoples cause like Señor wit his München Box, Woody Allen has returned to form with his Match Point, YO!!! And by form, I don’t means a W-9, or even his endless string of 70s hotness (starting with the madcap zane e smithedness of Bananas and ending with one of the mos beautifulisticallycal B&W flicks mt EVERest in the age of color, Manhattan). What I mean by ‘return to form’ is actually delivering what the peoples eggspect from one of the mos celebrated and celehated men in del industry: a real Woody Allen movie. 1999 was the last time anyone of us saw a real Woody Allen movie. It was called Sweet & Lowdown, and it was so fargin mint that Sean Penn and then unknown Samantha Morton were rightly honored with Oscar noms. After that we were served up with 5 straights duds, some more thuds than cruds, and some were more mud than Spuds Mackenzie hanging out with Roger Mudd!

Well, Match Point is not only a real Woody Allen movie, but also the mos un-Woody Allen movies I have ever movied!! It’s kinda like his Eyes Wide Shut, cept where Kubrick made London look like NYC, the Woodman made London his NYC. This drastic location change serves him and us the viewers quite well. I think we all needed a break from that continuing don on-slaught of NY nothingness that he continued to poop on-screen. And nothing could be as far from the nebbish Jewish neurosis of the Upper East Side than the prim and proper crumpets of the British upper class!!! To divulge any of the plot would be a waste of my time and a deep cut into yer entertainment value, so I’ll abstain, and in hempstead, I’ll do what I do breast… BABBLE-ON in numbered list form!!!

1) Scarlett Johansson & Jonathan Rhys-Meyers both look like cartoon cats or tigers or lions or something, OH MY!! I’d still bang them both, but their lips are kinda scary like Lisa Rinna’s

2) Rhys-Meyers did an admirable and lieutenantable job as the lead, but I kept waiting for him to glam/gay it up like he did in his Velvet Goldmine days. I think Woodpecker shoulda spared Jonny Lee Miller from the tripe that was Melinda Squared and cast him instead of Rhys

3) Scarlett Johansson being rubbed in baby oil should be the 11th Commandment

4) I knows this sounds more ludicrous than Ludicris sucking on Luden’s whilst looting Lute Olsen’s lute collection, but I’d NEVER ever NEVER step out on the abso-WHOOT-est cutest adorable-tootist British girl AROUND (yes, ever more than our current Royal Thighness… and Joanne Klaar, if she were British) Emily Mortimer, snatchurally one of the OG NonUsHotties!! Not even for Scarlett Johansson, 18347663 cases of baby oil, and 2 weeks to use em both!! Foodly enuff, both Morts and Jo may end up with 2 movies EACH on my ’05 Top Ten LIST… coming soon

5) Danny Boyle alumni rules more than O’Doyle!!!

BLESS YOU WOODROW!!!! Don’t ever come back to NYC. Stay the course in the Old Country. Hopefully yer #2 UK joint Scoop will also not be POOP!!! And the same with yer 1st Spanish Rice dish!! And whatever lies ahead in yer bright, not DIM, future, like a Danish DANISH or Icelandic ICECUBE, or Czech Republic PUBIC HAIR, or Portugalese WHATEVER THEY HAVE IN PORTUGAL!!!

Recommended for those who like: shotguns and shotgun weddings, phallic symbols but not Lloyd’s of London, and Fred of Perry but not of Berry

Possible Porno Name: Snatch Point of Spew

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Damage, aka the Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche slutty bang fest of 1992!

Further Fun: Other Woodman flicks with locations outside of the US… Puerto Rico (Bananas), Budapest & Paris (Love & Death), Turin, Italy (Hannah and Her Sisters), Sicily (Mighty Aphrodite), Venice (Everyone Says I Love You), and Romania (Celebrity) [via IMDB]