Barney And Friends

Drawing Restraint 9
Which I’m Sure Won’t Draw Much Applause
View Trailer (which you really should view)

Remember the beautifully shot, yet fatally dull and trivial pursuit at sea that was The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou? Sure, the shoes and the soundtrack were gluteus kickin to the circus maximus, but products don’t carry a movie, they juss help pay for all the back-end deals, over-promotion, and Harvey Weinstein 8-course lunches. Wellllllllllllll, Drawing Restraint 9, which is not comparable to Zissou, or anything else for that splatter, brings a whole new level of pee-u to this salt water milieu. The brainchild of childbrain ‘artist’ and Cremaster master, Matthew Barney, DR9 is not likely to be screened many places, which is good, cause I don’t think it will find many audiences, unless of course, you’re in Nam June Paik‘s posse. Woooooooooooah. Dude, I know this isn’t suppose to be a real movie, cause there weren’t like 50 explosions or chicks in bikinis, but I didn’t realize that a philosophy degree was required to experience this ‘relationship between self-imposed resistance and creativity‘ on celluloid. I don’t even know what that means and I actually saw the film.

So what eggzactly happens? This: one man (Barney) and one woman (Barney’s real-life wife Björk, which to this day still kills me, cause he’s way too post-modern for her, and we’d totally have super-human offspring together), arrive by two separate boats to the only factory whaling ship operating in the world, Nippon‘s the Nisshin Maru. Since both are not there to whale whales, listen to Marley and the Wailers, meet Frank Whaley, or have a whale of a good time, I couldn’t tell you why they’re there, but they’re there aiiiiiiiiight! The ship’s guests are honored by having their eyebrows shaved and gettin dressed up like they wuz Star Wars Episode III rejected characters or something. Then, when they’re good and ready (an hour or so into the ‘film’), they sit down for tea. A tea master makes the guests’ acquaintances (another 15 minutes or so later), and tells them about the history of the ship they’re currently sailing on, which turns out to be the ONLY DIALOG of THE ENTIRE THING (besides some of the Björk songs and murmurs of the Japanese crew). DAT’S RIGHT, so DAVID MAMET FANS BEWARE (let me buy you a pack of gum, I’ll show you how to chew it), cause you’ll slit your wrists or your girls’ tits!!!! Anywho, the three drink tea, the tea dude leaves, and then the room starts to fill with this vaselineish watery crap. As the level rises, man and woman embrace, and then go about slicing each other’s legs apart with ceremonial knives, bit by bit. By they time they’ve minced each other’s meat, they’re sorta whale-like things, I guess, cause they both have lil blow-holes on the back of their necks. And oh yeah, before we roll the credits, all of the above is intercut with the ship’s crew putting together a monster jelly that hardens, then loosens, and then hardens, and then loosens, which sounds like my weekly shitting schedule, which was already turned into a movie.

And oh yeah, the 9 means 8 thangs came before it, and oh yeah, there are even some restraints after 9

Recommended for those who like: Björk’s ass, her Homogenic cover art, and her music videos, if they were 135 minutes shlong

Possible Porno Name: Licking Her Taint 9

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Whale Rider, or digitally penetrate yoself with digital Winona Ryder

Apt MPupil3: ‘It’s Oh So Quiet’ by Björk [d]

The Art Movie We Would Rather See: A Single Plum, Floating In Perfume, Served In A Man’s Hat

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): A big bag of blah, but the pretty pictures save it from the shitbin… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges