Drunch-Punk Love

The Love Guru
Karma Chameleon
Trailers & Mo

After many years of hiding his face with Shrekdumb, Mike Myers has finally returned to the absurd character comedic formula that had worked to great effect in the past with Wayne’s World and Austin Powers… which also quickly wore out its welcome in the respective sequels. Some have welcomed this hiatus ending with open arms, while it seems most others have the knives out and are ready to root against him. We fall somewhere inbetwixt, and despite the ad nauseous marketing campaign and eye-rolling trailers, we were willing to give Myers the benefit of the doubt, juss as long as he tried his darndest to make us laff. And try he certainly does. Yes, there are a TON of flat jokes in The Love Guru that are beyond sophomoric that they border on freshmanomoric, hispecially anytime we have to read a book title or when Myers laffs at his own jokes, BUT there are numerous ones that do indeedy-do hit the mark and, against our better judgment, made us LOL. Myers’ character Guru Pitka may not be as endearing as Wayne or Austin, and the story about helping a slumping hockey player (Weeds‘ Conrad) mend his broken heart doesn’t really have a point other than displaying how much MM hearts the Maple Leafs, and Jessica Alba doesn’t show off her ass… ets and Meagan Good doesn’t wear a Hooters outfit, yet somehow, The Love Guru is not awful, or at least not as awful as you think it would be. The same can’t be said for Zohan. So go ahead, mess with this mess instead of that one

Wonderkind: have you seen that clip of Mike Meyers’ huge face superimposed over the face of a lil kid? well turns out the kid underneath is Trevor Heins, aka the highlarious ‘Beat Kids’ reporter on Wonder Showzen

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Expired
A Match Meter Maid In Hell
Trailers & Mo

Samantha Morton is the queen of playing shy and vulnerable leading ladies (see her performance in Woody’s Sweet and Lowdown), and while Jason Patric may not be considered the king (cause he doesn’t get as much work as he should, probably cause all the jerkoff parts go to the uber-annoying Aaron Eckhart), he’s certainly royalty when it comes to playing an asshole (czech him out in Your Friends & Neighbors). The two were purrrfectly cast in just such roles in Expired, an offbeat and very heartbreakingly hilarious lil flick about tough love and a lot of expired meters. Morton’s a lonely meter maid by day, who tends to her sick mom (Teri Garr, who does double duty as Morton’s selfish aunt) at night. Patric is a traffic cop with a heart of coal and a flawsome Ditka mustache. Besides a similar occupation, the two have about as much in common as George W Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but these opposites attract, no matter how many times Patric insults her with his misguided compliments. Will they live happily ever after? Guess you’ll have to see the film to get the answer, but a better question would be, regardless if they’re together or not, are they even capable of being happy period?

Maid In The Shade: nobody dances around a pole, a parking meter one at that, better than Australia’s Surfers Paradise Meter Maids

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
A Starter Kit With Missing Pieces
Trailers & Mo

Kit Kittredge is the fourth movie based off of the Americal Girl dolls/books/super money making machine franchise that chronicles 9 year-old girls growing up during key eras of American history. The first three flicks were made for TV, and this frills and brain free depression era adventure, starring Abigail Breslin in the title role, woulda been better off had it too hit up the smaller screens instead of the big one. Although not a Disney movie, this baby surely feels like one as it’s about as complex and risque as an Air Bud flick. Not even throwing in such adults as Stanley Tucci, Wallace Shawn, Julia Ormond, Joan Cusack, Glenne Headly and Jane Krakowski can bring any sense enjoyment to this blah-ze affair. Granite, we aint no 9 year-old girl who loves scary dolls that can be found in Norman Bates’ house, so this movie wasn’t made with us in mind. For those with daughters out there, we sympathize with you cause there aint many options out there during the summer of male dominated popcorn pleasers. While Kit may not be a riveting piece of cinema by any stretch of the imaginasian, you could probably do no worse than bring your girl to this. At least Kit’s a role model and not a troll model

KITTsch: how to go about making yer own KITT car

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Guru is playing at a theater near Jews, while Expired & Kit open today in limited release

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

Corey Feldman’s big screen debut, McDonalds employees rocking those sweet green unis, Mary Steenburgen in love with a time traveler that isn’t Doc Brown, the Murder She Wrote font, Exorcist IV and HG Wells hunting down his friend Jack The Ripper. What one movie could contain all of this amazingness? Time After Time. Isn’t it time you watched it?

The Onion Movie is like a poor man’s Kentucky Fried Movie, so in terms of the sketchy spoof genre, it shoulda been called Kennedy Fried Movie. There be some good bits, like the Britney Spearsishish singer and Steven Seagal as Cockpuncher, but the rest of the gags are either clever, but not funny or juss plain not funny. Yer better off watching Fox’s other never released laff riot Idiocracy instead

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…