Where The Child Things Are

Orphan
Mighty Orphan Power Stranger
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Orphan aint nuttin but a fun shock and awe-snap horrorfest. In the same breath, it’s also a hard to swallow, heavily mean-spirited affair where the children are not only thrown into harms way, but actually get harmed. If you can get past the second half of that breath (it’s really really tuff, but we know you can do it!), and all the other toothsome gruesome violence strewn about, you’re in for another summer frightening treat, that’s a slight step behind last month’s nutragoeus Drag Me To Hell. Like Scream, Orphan openly pays homage to films of a mo golden era, but Jaume Collet-Serra‘s second directorial stab in the genre (after his entertaining House of Wax Dat A$$) isn’t so obvious about it. Maybe that has something to do with David Johnson and Alex Mace‘s snazzy story (that does go on and on a bit too much at the very end), eggsalad production values, and believable performances from respected actors (Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard, a gay actor always trapped in a straight man’s role, eggecept in Kinsey when Kinsey gave him a reach around)

As for the film’s lesser-known child thespians (Natalie Portman Professional style jailbait Isabelle Fuhrman, young James T Kirk!, and a too adorable fo words Aryana Engineer, who does indeed know the language of sign in reals lifes), their work is so blowminding that after we left the theater, we demanded to know why the Academy Awards doesn’t separately recognize the talent of youth with their own category, herspecially if animation gets its own BS one (howevs, in the lates 40s, a few special awards were handed out to some kids, complete with miniature statuettes)!!! Sure, the wins of Tatum O’Neal and Anna Paquin were huuuuge, and the other youngin nominations were all nice gestures, but is it too much to ask to set aside a lil love and respek to these pint-size dyanamos who arguably have a tougher job of acting than their older counterparts? We still get chills juss thinking about Dakota Fanning’s hammazin work in I Am Sam, opposite a way over the top Sean Penn, and yet it was he who snagged the film’s only nomination. Where’s the justice folks? Thought everyone’s unofficial mantra was that kids came first. And no, that’s not ‘what she said’, you sick f$%k!!!

Twisty Ties: there’s quite a big twist in the movie that we wouldn’t dare reveal here, but there’s a smaller twist that’s already well known… CCH Pounder is hactually Bill Cosby!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Orphan is currently being adopted by audiences at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…