Phonying It In

2010 Whitney Biennial

we no longer expect much from The Whitney’s bi-annual Biennial, cause usually it blows goats more than it blows minds, but at the very least we expect their display of way too post-post-post-modern art to try and be provocative and daring instead of bi-lame-ual and hum-ho-hum-dumb.  we examine three works from the show and pretend we’re the artist and explain it all like Clarissa

Marianne Vitale’s Patron

Hi, my name is Marianne Vitale.  Do not adjust your television cause I actually look this crazy.  And my video art is as crazy as I am!!  How profound!  So, how crazy am I?  Batshit crazy.  And how crazy is my masterpiece Patron?  So dangs crazy that I yell things at the viewer, cause people love being yelled at!   The yelling is meant to cause a reaction, but the only reaction that usually happens is the viewer walking as far away from my piece as possible.  I am a genius.  A crazy one, but nonetheless a genius.  How do I know this?  Cause I beat off to this video of myself yelling every night and that’s crazy, crazy-genius!

Jessica Jackson Hutchins’ Couch For A Long Time

This is no ordinary couch, it’s one for a long time!  Why?  Cause newspapers take a long time to read and I’m slow at reading!  Did you know that covering a coach in newspapers is the new toilet papering of someone’s house?  Of course you didn’t, and that’s why I’m leading the Couchism movement and you’re not.  You may not sit on my couch, but you can read it.  You can also do this to your own coach if you’re bored, but you probably won’t since newspapers are dead, and so is Jesus.  Jesus was resurrected, and my couch will resurrect the newspaper industry

Nina Berman’s various photos of Ty Ziegel

Poor Ty Ziegel = a rich me.  Ty was a soldier in Iraq who lost a lot of his face and body when a bomb exploded all up in his grill.  Talk about lockers that hurt!  Well, thankfully I’m alive (and him too) to show & tell you all about his tragic post-war life through the lens of my camera.  He’s hard to look at, and so are my photos of Ty.  That’s more heavy duty than someone taking a heavy dootie in a bathroom.  So where do I go from here?  All the way to the bank!   Thank you George W Bush for creating monsters that I can take pictures of and exploit them!!

skip the above and most everything else, and stick with the goodies from Biennials past on the 5th floor

can’t wait for the next batch of crap in 2012!