Biopicking The PooOutta of the Kitty Litter

Capote
The Truman Show (bet you haven’t read that before!)
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First, lettuce deal with the meat: Philip Seymour Hoffman better start remembering which grandparent to cry about cause on March 5, 2006, he will no doubtedly, no diggitily, walk away with the Best Actor statuette (although he shoulda been rewarded with at least a handful of Oscars for his years and years of udder fantabulos supporting work). And for that reason only, Capote is worth the price of admission. Now that we have that bidness straightened away, let’s mash the potatoes, and try not to throw on too much salt. What troubles me most is how one of the most perfect performances in recent memory can be carried by such an unfulfilling film. We aint talking no Good Night, and Good Look snooze-a-rama fest ’05 here, but we aint talkin no non-stop powerful Ben Kingsley Gandhi shiz neither. As a viewer, you sit there and watch how Truman painstakingly researched and wrote In Cold Blood for ages, and one of two things come to mind: 1) thats great and all, but I’m yearning to learn a helluva lot more about those there killers and these here killings (besides 1 minute of flashbacks and 45 minutes of sitting in jail cells), and 2) if the book was indeed Capote’s career defining moment, and subsequently led to his early departure from planet earth, why are we spared a glimpse into those downward spiraling years? I cannot give you the answers, but I can tell you what to do if yer feeling a bit of 1 or 2, or just feeling minnesota. First and foremost, read the book. Wanna talk about compelling? That there book was so dang good that I not only read it, but I finished it too!!! However, the same cannot be said of Where’s Waldo? The Fantastic Journey. Second and secondmost, Netflix the movie version. Not juss cause you can’t read, but to see Robert Blake playing a murderer onscreen, before you saw him play one in real life! And last and lastmost, sit still and do nothing for another year as ANOTHER Capote In Cold Bloodish era biopic will hit theaters. This one has a very impressive cast and will be fronted by British stage and sorta screen star Toby Jones, who kinda looks the part more than Hofnads. Will it be better, who friggin knows? But at least they’ll focus more on what we glamour whores really care about: Capote’s NYC social life, and not how many ears of corn he shucked.

Further Reading: Based on A Tru Story

Recommended for those who like: drinks with limes in em, scarves from Bergdorf’s, and people who wear scarves from Bergdorf’s, while holding drinks with limes in em, and letting their pinky stick out

Possible Porno Name: Capoontange

Unsatisfied with this? What, you can’t read long paragraphs? I told ya what to do below the middle and near the bottom

Stay
…Away
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Oh my lord and taylor!!! THIS is THE BIGGEST piece of SHIT of not only the year, but maybe of this new millennium (which started in 2001 for you forking idjiots who got their doug jolley on in the ’00, more like ‘OOps!)!!! It was so forking garbagerrific and 199/13ths that I ALMOST got the taste of Beyond The Sea outta my asshole. If someone wanted to really torture me Clockwork Orange strap down head clamp steez, this would be the ideal viddy vid to reform me of my evil ways. I don’t even know where to begin taking a dump on this movie cause I wanted to take a dump and light it on fire right there in the theater after only 23 minutes of it!!! How could this be, Sandra Dee? It starred Young Adam/Obi Wan, Naomi Beaver Teeth HOTTZ Watts, that dude who was a Jew Nazi/Rachel McAdams Notebook buddy, and the sorta loveable, yet always huggable BOB HOSKINS!! OK, a great cast doth not maketh a good movie, but I thought it woulda had SOMETHING going for it since it was directed by the dude who duded such well doneness as Finding Neverland and Monster’s Ball!!! Maybe at least some Billy Bob Thorton bonin on the floor type bestness. No wonder there were no opening credits, cause if I woulda seen ‘Edited by Matt Chessé‘ (which is the new kind of cheese), I woulda run faster outta that theater than a parent forced to take his kid to see Max Keeble’s Big Move!!! I believe the script was written on a used tampon and I heard a rumor that they hired someone without a hand and who had MS to be the cameraman. And recently, I was telling a buddy o mine how movies should use creative match-image cuts and dissolves between scenes whenever possible. Well, after Crap On A Stick: The Movie did it ad infinitum and ad nauseum and ad hoc on my cock, I’d not only like to take that statement back, but I want do invent a time machine, first kill Hitler, and then the dude who invented that film concept. Ohhhhhhhhh how I wish I can ruin the entire movie for you by divulging all the plot points, but since it’s so convoluted and redonkeylous, it would be an insult to you dear readers if I even mentioned it. All I’ll say is that its gots one of those twisty endings, pretty much how Fincher’s The Game played out, cept the REAL big twist is when you first turn your wrist to see how much time is left before you can leave the theater.

Recommended for those who like: seeing Amy Sedaris on the phone for .3 seconds, that scary old dude who loved to eat Pi, and hearing boos and the sound of my poos during a movie

Possible Porno Name: Stay… of Erectioncution

Unsatisfied with this? Good.

Juss remember, I see awful movies so you don’t have to. Until next time, the balcony is clothed.