Thighs Wide Shut

we’ve been to Chicago many a times before (the last being 4 years ago for LollFoodcomapalooza), but never had ever, not even for 3 seconds, thought about taking a ride on Chicago Architecture Foundation’s Architecture River Cruise, which makes no sense considering that we get bigger boners for buildings than Ayn Rand does!!! well, turns out that we were missing out on one of the illest things to do out & about in the Windy City (mucho thanks-o to Joe E Tata for forcing us to do so)!!!!!!!!!!!!

And what does one get in return for 90 minutes of cruising (with optional boozing)???? Oh, juss some of the moist delightful sights ones eyes hath ever seen, and sounds too, but only if yer guide is Jim Bartholomew (his humor was as dry as we like our wine, and humor… VERY DRY!!!!)!!!!!!!

anywho, we’ve always been fascinated by them corncob buildings, but never ever never put in any effort to find out more about them or the man that made em possible.  well, thanks to the tour, we learned that that man is Bertrand Goldberg, and the dude left is imprint all over Chi-town, and various other spots the world round.  we were so taken with his works that he has already moved into our top 5 moist flavorite architects of balls thyme, alongside Gaudí, Saarinen, LeCourbiser and Friedensreich Hundertwasser!!!!

too bad he’s dead, otherwise we’d commission him to build us a fortress that looks like the 70s version of the future!!!

we made a glass house call to Philip Johnson’s Glass House in New Canaan, Connecticut

welcome, to architectural park!

where the only wild animals are culture vultures!

they have a library that looks like a ghetto sand castle
and there’s a chain link fence building that does nothing

SWEET!

the grass is always greener on the
other side of this tree and those stones

so everybody, lets get stones!

something lurks behind these bricks!

and it’s not Amanda Bynes’ acting career!

you guessed right, it’s a house made of glass!!

kicks glass!!!

and this is what it looks like on top of a small hill,
with people in it!

hill’s yes!

instead of throwing rocks at it,
like Billy Joels woulds,
why not touch it???!!!

don’t worry, I didn’t actually touch it,
and those people (including me once)
are not holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa

inside we go!

and yes, the only ‘room’ with a door is the shitter!!

PJ was a huge Legend of Zelda fan so he made
his backyard look sorta like the land of Hyrule

beware the eyes of Gohma!!

but wait, there’s more!

remember those bricks?  it’s the guest house!

but cause it has 200 times the legal amount of mold allowed,
we weren’t allowed inside, even if we love mold!!

and there’s pool that was never meant to be a pool!

kids, stay in pool!

this isn’t a fallout shleter

but an art gallery that has air conditioning,
making it the place to be on a swoobie day

which has rotating Rolodex type walls,
which we don’t show you,
but we show you curves in ceiling,
cause everyone loves curves!

curveszzz!!!

and although sculptures suck,
the sculpture gallery was sculptlicious!

looks like where Beetlejuice hangs out or the set of
that awful Fellini movie Satyricon we walked out of

and for our final building,
one of PJ’s late works,
influenced by vomit and Gehry

known as, we shiz you snot: Da Monster

Ordos, China: A Modern Ghost Town

is this the set of 2046?

or perhaps Code 46?

or juss a cleaner, less in a hurry (read: Russian) Chernobyl?