spent a lovely weekend away in the Pennsylvania country with my (b)Abe

hit up Gettysburg which is far from Ghettosburg

he shot, we four-scored!

this takes a lot of balls, cannonballz!

can’t explain it, but there waz something in the air that juss made us free of care and made us carefree!!

>

then it was off to Mecca

where we pray to 555555 times a day

sadly we weren’t able to take a tour

but we did get to act like a p(Utz)

then it was off to Amish Country, where we got all buggy

and raised barns, and hell, and thought about buying this t-shirt

and thought about taking the Witness tour

and thought more about intercourse

and thought about eating anything with a ‘Z’ in it, from Sheetz znatchurally

and thought about putting this on everything we did eatz at Millers Smorgasbord

but didn’t

San Frandisco – easily America’s greatest non-ranch farts city

if you’ve never been, you might as well leave for Uranus, and orbit your own anus

I mean, where else you gonna see this sight???

ALCATRAZ!!!

bars none, one of the illest places to visit

it water TOWERS over all other prisons!!!

for birdmen and birdwomen everywhere!!!

i mean, if you had to go to one prison, wouldn’t you want to go here????

I mean, they have their own baseballs!!!

speaking of baseballsss

made my first ever visit to Pac-Bell/AT&T/Verizon/Bell Atlantic Park to see mees Nats lose 2 games

where Coke plays catch, and Sully from Monsters Inc is a true San Fran Giant!!!

ok, maybe that was a stretch

at the super dope Musée Mécanique, where they gots ye olde thyme arcade games and erotic movies!

but nothing beats this 7-11 deal

except eating Mexican food and using a corn cob to wipe yer butt

oh Mexican food, why you taste so good, but hurt butts so much??

but my butt was way OK with the House of Prime Rib

but my favorite restaurant on earth isn’t even a restaurant – it’s a chocolatier – See’s Candies

oh San Fran, why are you more beautiful than India Reynolds?

and why aren’t all gates painted orange vermillion like yer golden ones???

and why aren’t all hills this alive???

and why did Paul Stine have to die?

and why do a bunch of yer buildings look like the 70s version of the future (which is my favorite version of the future)????

OK, time to step out, cause this house is full

perv-iously…

A Fine Line Between Love And Haight

another year passes
another year of gas passing
college still stays the same
but we get olders
but not wisers

man, are we really old

but man, them young chix these days be wearing like nothing more than a bra and nothing

–

Indiana, home to the whitest people you don’t know

theys peoples is
the salt of the pepper

–

and home to the lamest bestest football players ever – EVER!!!

(2 dem being Redskins)

–

and this guy

I signed him to a 9 picture deal to play Howard Taft and the Monopoly Guy and every awesome fatty guy with a mustache

–

and now we enter
the farty food section

–

ZA and WINGS!!!!!!!!

together at last/gas

–

PESTO CHEESE STIXXXXXXXX!!!

at Mother Bear’s!

–

+ onion rings as big as Greeny

and they didn’t even taste good, but they was SO BIGGGG

–

THESE

MIGHT juss be the world’s bestest wings. MIGHT.  no, seriously.
no, 5reals.  no, 9reals

–

YOU’VE BEEN RANCHED

DEAL WITH IT

–

hot sh!ts, only $3!!

personally, I don’t like
to spend more than $2

–

but THIS is where I really
want to go one day

and that negative review is actually the glowingest glowing review ever cause fat people know where to get damn good food that keeps them fat

–

oh college

never change

–

NEVER

and we’ll keep coming back

–

and maybe, juss maybe

we’ll retire in you!
not even jokings
17reals

 

oh, want to relive old ranch fart memories?  CLICK ME!

your unbeloved master of thighs needs a lil break.  so it’s off to the beach to eat 328347218238238 Nic-O-Bolis and sunburn my balls, and abuse your mother’s vagina

if you miss me that much, buy a shirt and maybe we’ll stop abusing your mother’s vagina

Friday

Neil Diamond @ Jones Beach = SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!

just as so good as 2008 was so good!!!

SEE NEIL BEFORE HE OR YOUS DIES, NOW!!!!

+

Saturday & Sunday

Nats @ Fenway – guess what that equaled…

and cameoing on TV replay wasn’t so bad neither

what do you think of all this James Franco?