Thighs Wide Shut

The Gouda

• Marissa & Alex’s lame-o lesb-o thang-o is OVER-O!! WHAT A WASTE!! I would have been more turned on by watching a threesome between Paula Poundstone, Rosie O’Donnell, and Rita Rudner.

• Jek Porkins: THE WEBSITE! [via Morilla Gask]

• Moulin Rouge 2?

• Finally, George Lucas comes up with his first brill-yant idea since 1983: Star Wars flicks in 3-D!!!

• Hazard County Sheriff & General Lee WristRacers!

• I hear that if you vote for Pantry/Panty Raider‘s sister in this contest thingie, you have a better chance of getting into Heaven… or the college of your choice.

The Bada

• I have never really questioned what Senor Spielbergo does with his genius mind and his dirty Jew money, but a Baywatch movie? Dude muss seriously sweat the virgin Connie Swail and her protestin’ ways.

• Wanna put an end to alien abductions? Make yer own Thought Screen Helmets and yer 1/2 the way there. And by there, I mean, Arkham Asylum with all dem other wackos! [via Forrest Spittacur]

• Parker Posey in the new Superman? House of NOOOO!!

• The Cloud Appreciation Society

The Julia UGuglia

• If you only watch one trailer for the rest of your life, make it George McFly’s blackface-titty-retarded-swastika-fest of a movie, aka What Is It? [via DW Giff5ths]

• Is the Musicpole the lamestest instrument since the recorder?

• Michelle TrachenWURST’s Ice Princess opens nationwide today!

And The Usual Crap

– On behalf of yers truly, the Thigh Daddy, the BeastMaster, Blaster Master, Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster and the rest of the Master clan, we want to wish our cousin, the View-Master a merry 65th b-day. To celebrate, they’ve even inducted him into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Go get em Viewie!! Yer 3-D is butter than all of Jaws 3-D and the virtual reality in The Lawnmower Man. Speaking of, where have you gone Jeff Fahey? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

– Bush/Hitler comparison clip removed from Ozzfest video montage. I don’t think people would have complained as much if it was just a clip of A$$hole eating a watermelon.

– Tom & Jerry, the live action talk show. It’s not what you think.

– What on earth is Bert doing to Ernie? [NSFW thing via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Dan the Automat on board for Archduke’s follow-up?

– Dave Abbott challenges pretty boy Ken Jennings to a cage match to the death. “I think I could take him.”

– The grandest college basketball team in all the land, los Merryland Twerps, are headed to Italy this fall for a 12 day preseason tour. And Duke, they’ll be at home shining Mike Kyryewqssrkskikiesies’s johnson. And the nihilists, they’re going to cut off the Dude’s johnson. And the Dude, he’s got a great soundboard. Back to Twerp shariz: Welcome back Keith Booth!! And do you think Walt Williams still hangs out with Hootie and his Blowfish?

– Dem be some tall buildings.

– Leisure Suit Larry all over again?

– 1 in 5 Germans drink to get drunk. What do the other 4 do? Have a bit of the olde stein-haussen-weiner-shintizel-fliz-huis-de-flughaufen and then gobble a watermelon?

– 21 days until the Athens games. Wake me up when it’s 2006, cold, and Johnny Mosley’s baking some more dinner rolls.

– Who created the scores for Planet Of The Apes, Total Recall, Gremlins, Chinatown, Hoosiers, many a Star Trek fliz, and yes, even The Twilight Zone? Oscar owner, Jerry Goldsmith, dats who. Well, he croaked Wednesday night. Peace the f%@k out dawwwwwwwwg.

– Some say breastesiest Goonies website out there. Some of those people are these people people.

– Join the Army and get bigger breasts or a smaller nose for free!!

– Those Dutch make killer pancakes, dope, and windmills. Apparently, they’re also tall is fork.

– And word on the street is that Lindsay Lohan ate lunch yesterday. I heard she also had something to drink, but when we contacted her reps, they responded with “No comment.”

– The Lohan and her two funbag friends just netted a $7 mil payday for something called Lady Luck. Don’t get yer flags at full staff yet folks, it’s directed by the genius behind How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. At least she has enuff cheddar now to pay for a 3-piece dinner at Popeyes on our first date. She’s a thigh kinda girl and I’m obvs-vee-es-lee a breast man.

– Speaking of HRT (Her Royal Thighness), The Raider of Panties and pantries finally falls victim to her charms and aforementioned funbag friends. It’s about friggadero time. After reading this site for months, you either go blind, become a priest, or pull down yer pants during screenings of Mean Girls. And for the record Seps, me and the Grambs run dot organizations, not jump each other’s bones.

– I’m get hungry just reading about the Thinker’s eggsploit-plantations in Hungary. Who knew they loved Weezie so dang much?

– Fun with Newbs, fishing, and photoshoppe.

– My girl Chelonia has a knack for Bitched @ Swirth too.

– What’s scarier than Jaws 3-D? Your baby in 3-D.

– All the original membazzz of the Wu-Tang Clan are ready to re-form like Voltron. Does this include honoree clansman Bill Murray?

– Mommy likes to tear shit up on her Nash board. Does she rock out to EMF and sport Vision Street Wear too?

– Slim-Fast dumps Whoopi. Some say it’s cause she gives HJs to the two Johns, but I say it’s cause their Find Whoopi’s Eyebrows Contest was a complete bust.

– Bored? [Link via Tim The Fudger]

– Lois Lane 2004, do as Andre 3000 sez and “spread for me”.

– Ask me if I care.

– Yes, it’s true what they all are saying, Andy Dick’s The Assistant is Hugo and it’s BOSS!!! Maybe that whole idea about a 24-Hour reality tee-vee channel isn’t such an awful idea aftertall.

– Phew, Absolute Handsome the elephant is cleared of dem pesky murder charges.

Want to know if you’re going to end up in heaven or hell? Let Mike Seaver/Kirk Cameron be your guide on this really tough quiz. [Link via Popbitch] I knew I wasn’t in good shape when the first question asked by Mike/Kirk was, “Are You A Christian? Yes or No?” Mike/Kirk, what happened to you? One minute you were chilling with Boner Stabone and the next, you became a nutball and starred in some of the crappiest movies ever.

While wees on the hot topic of nutball religious garbage, seems the only way to get nia peoples attention these daze is thru the intranet. Latest example: the virtual church. Look at the picture on the left. Isn’t the year be 2004 peoples? Those 3-D graphics look more le ghetro than the Dire Straits’ video for “Money For Nothing”.

Is anything more sexier than a hammer banging some nails? Or maybe a screwdriver and some wood? Playboy seems to think so. Coming soon, all over your hands, please welcome The Home Depot Hotties.

Beating off to Playboy… er, um, I mean, speaking of Playboy, is it possible that Britney Spears accepted a $40 million ducket payday from Hef to pose nude? Check out this photo and decide for yo self. [Link 1nce again via Popbitch] And which Amsterdam coffeeshop does the aforementioned woolly mammoth popstar, her hobo boyfriend, and tons of clueless tourists flock to? The Bulldog, obvs! But all the cool kids in the know know that Barney’s be the place to be for all yer Al Greens and killer breakfast needz.

Last on the docket is the dumbestist story about a mannequin since Mannequin (2): On the Move. A Wess-con-son cheesehead alderman is a little too attached to his handless mannequin. Seems that the Mayor opened the alderman’s office without his knowledge and let a lo-cal newspaper photographer snap a foto of his beloved ‘quin Madeline. When the aldie found out, he was none too pleased. I smell a comeback for Meshach Taylor.