Thighs Wide Shut

Bleed For This
THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 117 min

Do you know the story of boxer Vinny Pazienza?  If not, stop reading and go see Bleed For This!

If you do, continue to read AND then go see Bleed For This!!

Everyone loves an movie about an underdog, hispecially a sports one, where our hero is fighting against all the odds, and coming out on top in the end!  Angelo Pizzo is THE guy to tell those stories.  Ever hear of Hoosiers or Rudy??  He’s that guy!  And he co-wrote this incredible true story for the big screen, for the guy who directed Boiler Room (Ben Younger), and for that dude who directed Raging Bull, who co-produced this movie.  What does that tell you about this movie?

What if they threw in Miles Teller as Vinny Paz?  Remember how many Miles of blood Teller bleed for that redonky donk drumming movie???  HE DOES IT HERE EVEN MORE!!!  THE WORD ‘BLEED‘ IS IN THE TITLE!!!  WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU???  THAT HE WILL BLEED A LOT AND IT’S GOING TO BE PAINFULLY AWESOME!!!  I can also tell you that Miles Teller is incredible, here and for always!

And what if I told you that Aaron Eckhart was both unrecognizable AND fantastic in this movie?  He plays Vinny’s trainer Kevin Rooney (who also trained Mike Tyson!), and he’s both unrecognizable AND fantastic.  I TOLD YOU!  And he even shaved most of his forehead hair for the part!  Like some straight up Ruffalo Foxcatcher forehead shave job greatness!

And what if I told you that the greatest living actor - Ciarán Hinds – was in it too?

And the Buffalo Bob killer from Silence of The Lambs?

And Katey Sagal too!?

And what if I told you that I love you?  Would you go see this movie??  OK, I love you!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Welcome Back Hotter - Christine Evangelista, who we last/lust caught up with/on six years ago, is still super fine, and in Bleed For This, she boobs for us!!!  BOOBS!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Bleed for it, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Battle: Los Angeles
District Zzzzzzzz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

There are worser alien invasion movies than Battle: Los Angeles, but that doesn’t mean for a second that B:LA is anything above blah.  In fact, B:LA is one of the more boring alien invasion movies we’ve seen in quite awhile.  If we don’t have anything nice to say, we can at least say that B:LA is not as boooooo as 2012 was.  At least B:LA doesn’t dwell too much on having us care about its characters, cause these characters have no character!!!!  And we’re stuck with them the entire time.  You might not even realize that there are aliens in this movie.  Gunfire seems to come out of nowhere, over and over.  And when we do get glimpses of the aliens, they are the least menacing movie aliens in the bidness.  They’re like disposable beings with no purpose, stuck in some easy video game that a 3 year old could play, but shouldn’t bother playing.  We never find out what their true intentions are or really anything about them.  How can we even hate on these aliens if we don’t know shiz about em???

Poor Aaron Eckhart. And why put Bridget Moynahan in this movie if Eckhart doesn’t get a chance to bone her, or at least watch her shower.  And what a waste of Michael Peña and his mustache’s time.  And do you think Michelle Rodriguez every worries about being a one dimensional actor, stuck on automatic in two dimensional movies, and with Avatar, the occasional three dimensional movie?  Oh, and Ne-Yo is in this, but it doesn’t matter who’s in this cause you should juss say Hell-No to this

Chinning: the whole time we were watching this, our mind was elsewhere, still focused in on the chinternet

Verdictgo: Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Little Merit AND No Stinkin Badges (why any merit tat all?  cause it’s not 2012)

you wont love LA today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Morning Glory
Broadcast Snooze?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Rachel McAdams is überly-cheery, Harrison Ford is overly disgruntled, Diane Keaton is lusciously loopy, Jeff Goldblum is really tall and talks like a pompous jackass, and Patrick Wilson is the WASPyiest looking dude that all women want to bang.  Welcome to Morning Glory, where those actors do those things (don’t they always?), under one movie, for which it stands, and it’s like watching Broadcast News meets Working Girl meets a common denominator lower than the lowest common denominator.  Sorry, were you expecting something more?  We weren’t, and thus it met our expectations!!!  Great!!  Not really.  Awful!!!  Not really!!!  Perfectly mediocre nonsense that one day will make for quality afternoon HBO watching?  Egggggzactly!!  So after this & Definitely Maybe, what’s the next Oasis album title turned movie?  A buddy cop dramedy starring David Keith & Keith David called Standing on the Shoulder of Giants???? Why not?!?!?!!

Unwelcome Matt: there’s juss something crazily creepy about actor Matt Malloy that we can never get over and keeps us from ever fully enjoying his work as an actor.  probably stems from his assholedry alongside Aaron Eckhart in Labute’s In The Company of Men.  come to think of it, it’s hard to like Eckhart in anything either cause of Men

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Morning Glory rises and slimes at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

and oh, fellas, if you get dragged to this,
you at least get a piece of this!!!!!