Abduction
Wolfkid’s Got Nards
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

There are bad movies that are juss flat out bad, and then there are bad movies that are fun cause they are bad.  Abduction is fun bad.  It’s a movie that is played out rather seriously, but no viewer would possibly be able to take it seriously.  And if you take it for what it’s not, you might end up enjoying it, like we did… somehow.  IT’S TRUE!

We’ve always been on team Jacob (Taylor Lautner), THIS IS ALSO IT’S TRUE!!!, but the Twilight movies never let him win.  In Abduction he’s finally the center of brooding attention, fighting the good cheesy fight, and even gets the girl in the end.  Plus, this girl (Lily Collins) is far better looking, far less annoying, and doesn’t pine for undead dudes who play vampire baseball at dusk like someone one we all know and don’t care about!!!

READ: KRISTEN STEWART IS THE TWIWÃœRST!!!

Abduction‘s got some quality out of place talent on board (Maria Bello, Jason Isaacs, Alfred Molina, Sigourney Weaver), something resembling decently-ish directed hot action action (John Singleton, who’s gone from examining gun violence, to becoming a gun for hire), and sum well needed Amtrak Pittsburgh Pirates love (they might juss have the best font in all of sports), but it’s all undermined by a bumblepooped script (by Shawn Christensen).  Hard to tell if it read better as a script than how it sounded in a film, but there’s no way lines like ‘I hate balloons‘ was ever going to make much of a pop.  And who hates balloons anyways, besides maybe the boy in the plastic bubble??

Still, the clunky dialog, and in & outnane story (enrypted names on a phone or something with the wolfkid‘s dad that’s like a secret dad, which somehow also deals with nightmares about home gas attacks in Paris from the past, or something) hactually helps to make this nonsensical sensicalnon consensual nonsexual conjob watchable

Biggest benefactor of the cruddy verbiage is Dragon Tattooer Michael Mikael Blomkvist Nyqvist.  This tired & grumpy looking Swede was born to play a generic Eastern European baddie, but hopefully he’ll get better baddies to play in the years to come, or perhaps star in remakes of Daniel Craig movies

This film is thighly recommended for people who love thick eyebrows.  Everyone else – eye-browse at your own risk

Reprised Possession: we were blind-sided by Phil Collins’ daughter Lily in The Blind Side, and she will forevermore be stroking us with her invisible touch

Verdictgo: can’t believe we’re typing this but Jeepers Kinda Sorta Worth A Peepers

Abduction is lost and found at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, but team Jacob isn’t…