Star Trek Into Darkness
Boldly Going Where Man Has Gone Before
Official Website | Trailers & Mo | Homeade Trailer
PG-13 | 132 min

JJ Abrams has re-assembled the single greatestist tribute act known to man (wet dream team – Pine / Quinto / Urban / Saldana / Cho / Yelchin / Pegg) for a 2nd round of fun, and they do it OH so right again, even if all they’re doing is imitating what’s been done before, but with even more lens flares!!!  Star Trek Into Dorkness is not really about much, besides a scowlingly enraged Benedict Cumberbatch enraging his scowl and wreaking havoc cause the only thing that can stop Benedict Cumberbatch is Cenedict Bumberbatch, and since you know there aint no such thing as Cenedict Bumberbatch, you know that nothing can or EVER will stop the awesomeness that is Benedict Cumberbatch, cause his name is so much fun to say, and we will never stop saying his name (ever since he was a Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award winner of 2006!) Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch 

If only this movie was called Star Trek Into Cumberbatch!!

But there’s so much more to this movie besides Benedict Cumberbatch, like Peter Weller, who you know is gonna end up doing something assholey, and like Alice Eve, who you know is gonna show off her toothy teefy grin, and maybe eat a taco

But there’s so much more to Dorkness than juss Alice Eve maybe eating a taco – like how cockysure rawesome Pine as Kirk still is, and how eye-browsy sharp Quinto as Spock still is, and how to the bone we want to bone Urban as Bones still bonesies, and even though we pegged Pegg as maybe not the right choice to play Scotty, he has since beamed us up to changing our minds, and we still cho–cho-choose Cho as Sulu, and although Yelchin doesn’t have much to yel or chin about, he still roxxx the Ruskie accent shardcore in his minimal amount of screentime.  Kinda tossed about Saldana as Uhura.  She’s hot, and Uhuraish enuff, but why does she have to sweat Spock?  Why can’t she bone Bones?  Or me?  Or Alice Eve’s almost taco?

What am I saying?  I IS SAYING THAT IF YOU LOVES THESE PEOPLE AS NEW ERA STAR TREK PEOPLES THENS YOU WILL WANT TO WATCH THEM DO ANYTHING, like nap, or almost eat tacos, or fly in space, or be awesome amongst lens flares!!!!

JJ Abrams has done so much with the so little that the Star Trek universe had to offer him.  Imagine what he’s gonna do when he gets his spectacles sighted on a real spectacle franchise like Star Wars!  Actually Star Wars seems less like a real franchise these days than Star Trek does now.  WOAH!  I know!  But JJ will make mountonus molehills out of the dumphole that George Lucas left his own franchise stewing in.  And if JJ can’t get the Star Wars franchise back on target, maybe no one can, and then maybe he can take over the Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlour company and turn that franchise around and open a franchise in my stomach

Thank you JJ.  You made us believers of something we didn’t ever really even care about before.  Spock to the future, yours and ours!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Trek is boldly but goody in thIghMAX today and at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Men In Black 3
Third Is The Word
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

No one usually asks for thirds, but that never stopped Hollywood from serving triple helpings of anything that will automatically bring in the bucks.  You can’t fault the cash grab of a third Men In Black, with all the principal players in place, but is this something people really need?  Turns out we do.  Apparently there’s more to the relationship of Agent J and K than any of us could have ever imagined, which makes Men In Black 3 not only watchable, but totally watchable!!!  IT’S TRUE!!!

MiB3 starts off with the usual inane silliness of J & K hunting down gross aliens and then returning to their stark white offices to do office stuff, but then things get more interesting.  Main bad guy alien Jemaine Clement jumps into the past with aims of maiming the man (Tommy Lee Jones) who done him wrong, so Will Smith has no choice but to follow him back in time so things don’t go bad in the future!!!  Fish out of waterness ensues, Mad Men clothes are sported, and Michael Stuhlbarg acts weirderer than his screen brother Richard Kind did in A Serious Man  

This means Tommy Lee Jones is younger, and Josh Brolin brilliantly plays/imitates him as young version of Tommy Lee Jones.  Genius!  Will Smith imitates himself and it’s all basically juss a MiB movie that takes place in the 60s.  So far, so passable.  BUT then things get really really interesting!  They do!  Not gonna say how or why, but it comes at the end, and makes the whole thing well worth sitting thru.  Even if we have to endure the brief presence of toothy Alice Eve and her toothy teeth, pretending to be a younger Emma Thompson.  What is it about Alice Eve?  Why is she becoming a go to actress? Does she have dirty pictures of every studio head in Hollywood?  Or do these studio heads have a teeth fetish?

moral of the story – we didn’t need it, no one really asked for it, but as third movies go, Barry Sonnenfeld semi-sorta has us asking for more!  how is this possible? these movies are really nuttin but stupid fun.  But #3 is more than stupid fun.  WHY?  we’ll tell you why – this movie ends up having more heart than Mola Ram’s hands done does in a year!!  AND THAT’S A LOT OF HEARTSES!!!

Warhol of Fame: it was the 60s, so of course Andy Warhol makes an appearance in the flick, with the help of Bill Hader.  Below is our movie Warhol of Famers who have admirably donned the leather jacket, sunglasses and white wig, including new member Hader

watch Guy Pearce + Jared Harris + David Bowie + Crispin Glover pop art

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

MiB3 is outta this world, in our world, this Friday, at  a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Raven
While I Nodded, Nearly Napping, Suddenly There Came A Crapping
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 111 min

With the success of those mostly sucky, kinda watchable Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes flicks, it was only a matter of time before some other ye olde classic literary figure got the hyperetic overblown big screen treatment.  Apparently it was Edgar Allan Poe‘s turn to create riches, which makes sense, since the master of the macabre has endless fodder in his cannon to make a big boom boom.  So why then does James McTeigue‘s Raven feel so un-Poe-tic, and makes for a mostly big boo boo????  Hactually, it’s no real sirprize tat all, considering that James McT’s the same guy who took V Is For Vendetta and made it L Is For Lames-ies

Thanks to John Cusack‘s energetic performance as EAP, The Raven is sorta kinda a little bit watchable, but ultimately it’s just a meandering and pointless and kinda boring made up adventure about the guy who gave Baltimore’s football team a name. So what’s the story? Well, apparently some dude is obsessed with Poe’s writing and decides to murder people, just like how people are murdered in Poe’s writings!  Hmmmm, this could sorta work as a movie thing.  Then Poe’s lady (the overly teethy Alice Eve) is kidnapped by the killer, so the stakes get doubled!  Poe aint alone in this battle.  He’s got this annoyingly scowling inspector (Luke Evans, who might have permanently damaged his brow from all the scowling he done does) leading the charge, and he will not be stopped until he can stop all of this.  Sadly, it takes way too long to stop, and the hunt for the killer juss aint all that interesting, even if the reveal of the killer is sorta kinda interesting.  Oh, and Brendan Gleeson is in this for some reason, cause why not, it’s Brendan Gleeson!  But they don’t let him be funny, which is sorta Brendan Gleeson’s thing, sorta

moral of the story – Poe is cool.  The Raven, not so much.  Eversnore!

Bitched At Swirth: when you can’t get Jake Gylennnahhaallllalalllnnal, get Carter Oliver Jackson-Cohen

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Raven flaps & yaps its wings today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…