Thighs Wide Shut

The Witch
Fraught Pilgrims vs the World
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 92 min

Somewhere between The Crucible and The Village (and The Wicker Man) lives Robert Eggers‘ The Witch – a quiet creeper that will have you shying away from the woods, and goats, and time traveling back to a time in American history where pilgrims prided themselves on their own pride

This story is about a pilgrim family, expelled from a pilgrim colony, and forced to make it on their own in the New England wilderness of the 17th century (that’s the 1600s, for those knot in the know).  The family doesn’t have much beyond themselves and prayer.  There’s a father (Ralph Ineson, better known as The Office‘s Finchy) whose trying to keep his family afloat (and somehow builds an entire house on his own… although the building of said house is not shown in the movie), a wife (Kate Dickie) who doesn’t seem to do too much, outside of birthing kids and yelling at them, and… a bunch of kids.  The one kid doing most of the stuff around the household (Anya Taylor-Joy) lets the one thing happen that never should have – as she was caring for her baby brother – BOOM – the baby disappears!!  Where did the baby go?  Was it snatched up by a wolf?  A witch?  A wolfwitch? A chipwich?????

This is where things get quieter and creepier – and where our family members start venturing into the woods, when you know they shouldn’t go anywhere near it.  More bad things happen, again, and again, and family members start to get possessed, and then they start turning on one another.  More bad things happen, and then things go even quieter, and even creepier, and BOOM – the movie ends

What happened?  What’s up with that woman who looks like the woman from the Shining bathtub?  Why does this feel like an M Night Shamalalaananan movie (the good kind, like he used to make)?  Who would want to leave their country and live in the middle of nowhere of a new country?  How is Finchy not in every movie???  You might have the same questions, or form your own, but The Witch won’t answer any of them – it will juss A and B-witch you from start to finish!!!

Ode To Joy: Anya T-Joy is one to watch (and gawk at!)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Creepers

Witch is boom and vroooooooom at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…