Thighs Wide Shut

Furious 7 (7 Fast 7 Furious)
Sky Driving & Crying
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

Furious 7 is ultimately the greatest movie ever, but is it the greatest Fast and Furious movie? I don’t think it’s as amazin as #6 was is, and to be perfectly honest, I kinda don’t like the new direction they went in for #7 – more guns and blammo and less cars and jammos.  YES, there is still plenty of car stuff for the motorheads, but when did our Furious crew need to turn into Jason Bourne/GI Joe and play a bunch of Patriot Games????  That kinda dumb suff started when The Rock showed up in the series, but it’s fastly getting even more and s’mores redonkulous.  I mean, wtf is going on here???

We have a need for speed, not drones and helicopter shoot-outs.  Guess the filmmakers said, well, after #6, we have no where to go but up… in the air.  And yes, there’s a slick ass scene of cars flying thru da air, and another where cars fly thru buildings (AND IT’S ALL AWESOME!!), and anything else you can imagine, and then they threw in a bunch of other over the top stuff which is anything else I guess they imagined… like, hey, we need two pointless bad guys, and we also need a slick-haired Kurt Russell in dis movie for no reason!

Am I complaining?  No, but we’re about 1-14 robots away from this franchise turning into the digital eye-fcuk-sore that is the Transformer movie series, and I’m not too thrilled about it.  BUT, I am all in, and always will be, until they stop making these

+ their goodbye to Paul Walker was fitting/kind/loving/CG awkward but acceptable, and it is what is, although they totally should bring one of his brothers on board for #8

+ this new addition is super crazy/beautiful sexy cool

  

+ they finally acknowledged Lucas Black and Little Bow Wow exist in the FF universe!!!

and for #8?  why not go old school and do some sort of Cannonball Run cross-country fun-a-athon???? Tyrese is thighlarious, and they should take more advantage of that, ramping up the laughs and car chases, not the guns and dumbo

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Furious air mails it in at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lottery Ticket
By The Numbers, But A Winner Nonetheless
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

To us white folk, urban comedies all sorta feel like the same shiz over and over, with a different cast.  We’re sure the opposite is true of white comedies when viewed by non-white folk (and even by white folk!  we certainly believe so!).  So, let’s call a spade a spade (yikes, we’re already digging ourselves into a giant hole here, with our poor word choices, right?) and blanketly state that most comedies coming out of Hollywood, regardless of color, are carbon copy skeletons of thangs that came before, with different skins.  Enter Erik White‘s Lottery Ticket, which is like Friday or Barbershop, where a gaggle of grand performers all get together and deal with some sorta of central plot device, while laughing all the way to the bank (or in Friday‘s case, dank).  Lottery Ticket isn’t very indistinguishable from anything else you’ve ever seen, and yet it was certainly not awful.  In fact, it was totally enjoyable, and even mildly funny, and if you know us, we barely say anything’s funny!

So, what is it all about?  Not so lil Bow Wow works at Foot Locker and lives with grammy (Loretta Devine) and has big dreams of being a shoe designer or something, but will those dreams ever come true?  MAYBE!  Luckily grammy pushes him into buying a lotto ticket, and… THEY HIT THE JACKPOT!!!!  BUTTTTTTTTTT, the lotto office is closed for the weekend and so Bowwie Wowwie has to hold on tight to the ticket and keep this news mum from all the gold diggers (for the hottest one, see below)!  Good luck with that!!!  Words spreads and the neighborhood (including Ice Cube, Keith David, Terry Crews, Mike Epps, Charles Murphy and Gbenga Akinnagbe) gets silly ideas of ghetto fabulousness and stuff and funny!!!  No really.  Luckily (can’t stop using the word ‘luck’!!!) Wowster has a great BFF (the always high-larious Brandon T. Jackson) and lady friend who may end up being more than juss a lady friend (the deliciously plain jane Naturi Naughton, also delicious hotttt in Notorious) to help him keep his feet on the ground while he reaches for the stars!  Not awful! Casey Kasem closed!

¡¡Teairra Del En Fuego!!: gold digger Teairra Mari is in need of some serious goldfingering

three mo oh snaps snaps!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Lottery is juss the ticket today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…