Ready Player One
Props Culture
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

At the close of last year, I bemoaned that The Post was material not worthy of Spielberg’s talents.  He’s a great history teacher, but I prefer him as a science(-fiction) professor.  Take his Lincoln, his Bore Horse, his Bridge of Thighs (two of which were good movies), and erase his names off of them.  Let someone else direct those movies.  Give me more of his The Adventures of Tintin.  Did you see that movie?  It was STUNNING.  I wanted him to make 239239239 more of them.  He didn’t, but hey, my post-Post prayers have been answered in his big screen version of Ernest Cline‘s Ready Player One book (which I sadly didn’t read, but now maybe should have).  THIS is the kind of movie Spielbergo needs to direct.  This material isn’t beneath him, nor above him – it suits and fits him perfectly like a Power Glove

Spielberg made his mark in the 80s.  Ready Player One is a movie/book love letter to that time, and even to the movies he made and produced (Back To The Future!  Jurassic Park).  And it feels like a Spielberg extension of the leap he took when he finished Kubrick’s A.I..  A.I. was his love letter to Kubrick, and it didn’t feel like a Spielberg movie whatsoever, and that’s part of what makes it such an incredible undertaking and end result.  I mean, look at this!

And with RPO, Spielberg is free of Kubrick’s ghost and essentially makes his own A.I.

Now I’m not going to say that RPO is perfect – it’s not – it does better with the virtual gamer sh!t than it does with the reality real world stuff, and the ending was kind of a meh drop off, but it’s one fcuking hell of a visual ride that must be taken on the big screen.  My jaw was dropping endlessly, and my eyes kept popping out, not believing the unbelievable things it was seeing (spoiler alert – The Shining stuff alone is worth the price of admission).  It’s like a Tintin adventure for the modern and future-modern times.  Most importantly – it just works.  It works, where other films like it should have worked but just didn’t, like Speed Racer, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, Tron: Legacy, Sucker Punch, and even Back To The Future II

And what really worked for me was that it’s a movie that takes place in 2044, but it feels like an 80s movie.  The good guy is our Marty McFly-type (Tye Sheridan, who made his debut with Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life, a visual feast as well), the bad guy is straight out of any 80s movie evil corporate boardroom (Ben Mendelsohn, who should be in EVERYTHING), and the ghost hanging over the whole affair (not Kubrick) is a cross between Steve Jobs and Louis Tully (Mark Rylance, nailing the nerdy awkwardness, kinda like he was Mitch from Real Genius).  Not sure how 80s Olivia Cooke‘s character was, but I love her and her eyes, and it had to be said

Spielbergo, I’m ready for more, player.  So why are you bothering with remaking West Side Story?  Are you too close to George Lucas to touch a Star Wars movie?  You wanna remake something?  REMAKE THE PREQUELS!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Player One is Ready for you today at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Ad Diction
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 115 min

I was like – no way do I want to sit thru a movie where Frances McDormand is making endlessly farty frowny faces and Sam Rockwell is acting his usual fool self to the displeasure of a farty frowned McDormand.  GOOD THING I DIDN’T LISTEN TO MYSELF AND GAVE INTO THE MASS ADULATION!!!  Martin McDonagh‘s Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri turned out to be exactly what I was expecting and NOT exactly what I was expecting!  I really wanted to hate this movie.  Not sure why I did, but I did, but I couldn’t hate this movie!!!  It was so ebbing good!!  It’s the first Lucas Hedges movie I loved!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Billboards is still posted at theaters near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Phantom Thread
Fashion Victims
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 130 min

A movie about a frigidity, neurotic clothing designer in 1950s London who hates distractions AND butter doesn’t exactly sound like the most swinging time this holiday season, but there is just SOMETHING so entrancing about PT Barnum Anderson‘s Phantom Thread that makes it the greatest film with the word ‘Phantom’ in it (sorry Jar Jar, Billy Zane and that horrible screen adaption of the Opera with Gerard Butler)!

I cannot even tell you that this is a muss see movie.  It would actually make for a really boring home rental, but for 2ish hours I was udderly mesmerized about the tale of a tailor (with a really dumb name – Reynolds Woodcock), and his muse who he doesn’t seem to be so a-MUSE-d by.  Maybe cause this is rumored to be Daniel Day-Lewis‘ acting swan song, and so we paid extra thought and love to his INCREDIBLE performance, or that we fell hard and felt so bad for his underloved love interest (Vicky Krieps), or that Dan Day’s icy-cold staring sister (Lesley Manville) set the prefect chilled mood for this entire movie.  Or maybe cause the film was made with such attention to detail and care, that we cared so much about all the details.  I wanted to physically be in all the places and settings they occupied and roamed around in.  TAKE ME THERE!!!  And while the clothes they made were really pretty, I didn’t really want to wear any of them, but that’s cause I’m not really into wearing dresses

We often think that David Fincher is keeper of the Kubrick torch, but PT Barnum Anderson may actually be the true torchbearer.  Phantom Thread feels like a Kubrick movie – uninviting and distant, and yet it makes you feel up close and personal, and sew – what more can you ask for in a film?  NEEDLE ME THAT BATMAN!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Thread bares in limited release on Xmas day

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Disaster Artist
Day For Nightmare (2)
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 103 min

Never had seen Tommy Wiseau‘s The Room.  Always meant to, but I guess I failed as a moviegoer to do so before seeing the movie about the making of it – The Disaster Artist.  What James Franco does with the poor-rich material, directing and starring in it, is both a masterstroke and a masterpiece.  It is perhaps one of the best films ever made about making movies.  The horror show will, against all odds, warm your heart, and the immersive, intimate experience will make you feel like you were actually there (squirming, like those who lived thru it).  You cannot escape The Room that Franco & friends (brother Dave and LITERALLY an amazing cast of THOUSANDS!!!) construct before your eyes.  You don’t need to provide a hammer, cause these guys NAILED IT!!!  Oh, hi Mark!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Disaster is perfection at a theater near jews and white nationalists…

Loving Vincent
Vince-sanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Official Site & Trailer & More
PG-13 | 95 min

Love Vincent van Gogh? ✓

Want to live in the world of his paintings? ✓✓

That’s not possible, but the impossible is mostly made possible in the…

AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAZING new animated painted film Loving Vincent!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, this film is the world’s first fully painted feature film!!!  IT’S TRUE!!!  AND IT’S FCUKING INSANE!!!

They tell the story of Vincent’s final days through the subjects of his portraits IN the landscapes he painted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS HOW THEY DID IT!!!!

so pack up some shrooms and go see the movie moving painting event of the year/century/ever!!!!!!!!!!

Can they please do this for every artist?  I nominate Edward Hopper for the next one!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

You will LOVE Vincent in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…