Thighs Wide Shut

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Luc’s Skywalking, And Everyone Else Is Sleepwalking
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 134 min

After seeing Luc Besson‘s super fun Lucy, I declared that I wanted him to ‘direct all my blockbuster blusters‘.  My wish was beyond granted in his Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, where imagination knows no bounds, and awe and awesome is around every corner!!!  

Sadly, others don’t seem to agree with my sediments, and the audiences have spurned it as well.  This wholly creative cinematic force will die a quick death in theaters, and with that, any hope of a sequel, or the chance of big studios taking other chances on chancy material that isn’t a known commodity.  Well that sucks!  Damn you people!!!  Didn’t you see The 5th Element?  Do you not want more of THAT same, but with a fcuking dope 21st century digital landscape that makes George Lucas’ Star Wars prequels look like Pong???

Do you not want to see a movie that has Rihanna doing this (AND MORE)???

Are these slick-a$$ robots not slick-a$$ enuff for ye???

Do you not want to take your favorite memories of Avatar, A.I., Mad Max, Mos Eisley, The Neverending Story, Moulin Rouge and Contact and have them rolled up into one stellar movie roller coaster that’s beyond well worth the ride?

OK, so they maybe could have found a better Valerian than Dane DeHaan, but he was fine.  And I’m not usually a fan of smelling-a-bad-fart-faced Cara Delevingne, but here, as Val’s girl Friday – Laureline, she’s a woman with more depth and rockitude than anything Wonder Woman womanized!  

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?  YOU DON’T WANT THIS, AND INSTEAD YOU WANT CRAP???  WELL, YOU WILL KEEP GETTING CRAP!!!!  Hollywood will continue to make the garbage that you so rightfully deserve

I believe, and sincerely hope that time will be kind to Besson’s Valerian.  Today’s box office ‘bomb’ will one day turn into a cult classic that we’ll be talking about well beyond the 28th century.  Beam me up, and boo on you haters!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Valerian  soars at a theater near jews and white nationalists (but hurry – shiz is gonna leave theaters ASAP!!)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Maudie
Micro, Soft Paint
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

Maud Lewis was a simple woman, who lived a simple existence in a simple Nova Scotian coastal town.  Apparently everything else about her was not so simple.  She suffered from juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, and in turn, suffered from unsupportive and resentful relatives.  No one believed in her, or her ability to do anything because of her condition.  That trend continued when a no-nonsense loner fish peddler named Everett Lewis begrudgingly took her on as a live-in housekeeper, in his simple tiny home, cause simply there was no one else willing to take the job.  But after she moved in, she started to slowly move into his heart, and as she began to open hers, her talent as a folksy, SIMPLE painter emerged, and Everett succumbed to both painter and her paint.  Soon, others from around the continent (even Richard Nixon!) would line-up behind Everett to do the same.  YOU GO MAUDE!!

This is the subject of the simple, yet simply beautiful new film Maudie by Aisling Walsh, starring the mos eggsalad Sally Hawkins as the real-life subject, and a Sling-Bladey Ethan Hawke as the curmudgeon husband to be.  The movie is unassuming, unshowy, unpolished – and the exact kind of movie diversion we need during the summer of usual cinematic garbage.  Its simplicity is a stroke of genius – so dig in, and watch the paint  (Canada) dry, and perhaps watch as your eyes don’t remain dry!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Maudie is on display currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Lost City of Z
Hunnam Beef Cake
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

We all have boners for Indiana Jones.  But what if I told you that there was a real Indiana Jones, but he didn’t necessarily find what he was looking for?  You probably have at least a halfie right now, right?  Left?

Well, there was once a British bloke named Percy Fawcett, who became obsessed with finding a lost city in the dense Amazonian jungles, in the early 20th Century.  He was like a (then) modern day conquistador, a dashing Don Quixote, tilting at windmills for something that may not even exist.  He tried again and again to find a lost city he called ‘Z’, before ultimately disappearing for good in his final attempt.  SPOILER ALERT!!!  But nothing can be spoiled by true facts…  facts spelled out in author David Grann‘s MOS eggsalad New Yorker article/turned book about Fawcett and his life’s yearning mission of discovery, which has now been transformed into a grand motion picture written and directed by James Gray – The Lost City of Z

Now before you get all excited to grab a whip and get a crackin’, you must know that Fawcett’s adventure isn’t even close to being on the level of anything that the great Dr Jones accomplished.  You would think that WOULD be the case by looking at the image above, but that’s just one tiny part.  When not dodging the natives, Fawcett and company are kept busy by chopping dense trees in the jungle, attracting diseases, losing supplies, and being away from family (his are played by Sienna Miller and Tom Holland) for years, but yet, never losing hope of finding Z

And we don’t lose hope in Fawcett or his convictions and dreams either, cause he flows so well in the acting body of Charlie Hunnam.  I haven’t seen Sons of Anarchy or anything else he’s been in (although apparently he was in Children of Men), so he’s all new to me.  Oh man, I now LOVES ME SOME HUNNAM BEEF!!!!  He’s like an equally as gruff/less obnoxious/easier to understand Tom Hardy!  He’s like Brad Pitt, but he can actually act!  I know we’re half-ish way through the cinematic year, but it’s gonna be tough for anyone to top the Indiana Jonesing hard-on I have for Charlie as Percy.  Man o man!  BREAST IN SHOW ACTING!!  Hunnam as Fawcett – my cup runneth over!!!

But like I said, you may be put off by a movie about discovery that actually doesn’t really discover anything, but you will at least discover how incredible Charlie Hunnam (and his mustache) is (and how Robert Pattinson is also pretty darn good too… looking like Fagin from Oliver Twist)

I hope you found what you were looking for Percy, and are still chilling in Z!  Z’s nuts!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Lost is FOUND currently at a theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

T2 Trainspotting
Begbie, Borrow and/or Steal
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 117 min

There are things in this world that are so great as is, that they are best left alone, and don’t require follow-ups, new editions or reinvention.  Just ask Coke, a 2nd Clinton in the White House, Star Wars prequels, and most sophomore albums of bands from the mid aughts

But in this day and age, nothing is sacred, and nothing is left alone (especially when name and brand recognition = eyeballs & $$$s), and the results have not only been NOT horrifying, but udderly fresh and fantastic.  We thought we had enough of Hannibal Lecter, but then came the brilliant TV show that perhaps outshone even Silence of the Lambs!  Or how about Bates Motel – which dared to breathe new life into the musty sports coat of Norman Bates, and the result was the furthest thing from sacrilege – it felt like home.  Even Star Wars was able to turn things around, outside of Lucas’ grip, bringing a force, back to the… force.  Heck, even Dumb and Dumber To somehow was able to recapture the same exact magic it brought to this world 20 years ago.  What all these entertainments have in common is the proper embrace of their grand pasts, but able to move forward WHILE being familiar

One thing I never thought I wanted was a 2nd helping of Trainspotting.  Yes, I know there was an Irvine Welsh book sequel, but the 1996 movie changed my life, and I didn’t want anything to change that.  It inspired me to never do heroin, live for Britpop music (can’t imagine my ears without Pulp & Blur), and even study abroad in the British Isles back in ’98.  Even made my way up to Edinburgh while there, to try and retrace the steps of Renton and Spud, but sadly, Google maps wasn’t in play til 2005, so I wasn’t able to do the proper locationspotting that I love to do

To this day, Danny Boyle‘s Trainspotting is tied for #1 on my list of the best of the bestest movies of balls thyme, along side It’s A Wonderful Life, A Clockwork Orange, Citizen Kane, Zodiac and Psycho (and maybe The Princess Bride).  I had seen the movie a bazillion times on VHS and DVD, but eased off of it for the past decade.  Then it was announced that Boyle and Ewan McGregor had finally made peace and were ready to move forward with a sequel  

Who am I to question a 2nd round, when all the principal people are involved, and it was going to happen no matter what my feelings were.  Well, it was certainly happening, and this meant I needed to see the original again, and luckily it played in a theater last month and I got reacquainted with my old friends, before I got to get reacquainted… with my old friends, in a sequel 21 years after the fact

I’m a different movie-goer these days.  I try not to, and usually don’t get excited about movies anymore.  You only burn yourself when you get yer hopes up way too high, and I’m tired of getting my hopes up, only to see my hopes sh!t upon (sports fandom taught me that the hard way).  So I was excited that there was going to be more of the Trainspotting crew in a cinematic form, but curbed my enthusiasm as much as humanly possible 

And so, I saw T2 Trainspotting, and…

• if you were any kind of fan of #1, you MUST see #2.  it’s made for you (and me).  it’s NOT made for newcomers (or haters).  you can’t just jump into this world without #1, and you probably won’t like it as a stand alone film even if you did
• it doesn’t really feel like a sequel.  it feels more like a remix extension, made with fresh paint, but using the same original tools (even writer John Hodge and producer Andrew Macdonald are back!).  a lot of the beloved songs from the original are actually remixed in the new one, and it doesn’t feel used, kinda new-sed.  speaking of – the music/soundtrack was of course brilliant, but not sure why no love for Damon Albarn?  they couldn’t fit a Gorillaz song in there??
• the pacing works just as well as it did in the original, but the original was slightly over 90 minutes, and I felt like the new one should have followed suit, instead of hovering close to 2 hours.  not sure where to cut, but I’m not an editor
• I was all for everything that happened in the movie, but there’s one scene late in the film that I felt was a little too dark, too bleak, and it briefly took away from my enjoyment of the film, and the series as a whole, but it is what it is, and perhaps it needed that bleak darkness in it. I mean, these films aren’t all fun and games, right?
• after it was said and done, I felt that the plot wasn’t all that strong (when compared to #1s), and the new female character wasn’t all that well utilized, BUT, plain and simple – I loved the film and VERY happy it exists.  The movie juss made me happy.  It really did, and it’s obviously not a very happy movie.  I was happy to spend more time with my old pals Renton, and Ewen Bremner as Spud, and Jonny Lee Miller and Sick Boy, and even a few minutes of Kelly Macdonald as Diane (although I coulda handled like a few gajillion minutes with her)
• but what am I most pleased with? Robert Carlyle‘s return as Begbie.  Begbie is my everything.  Always has been.  Begbie is Trainspotting‘s everything.  The time in between the two movies, he’s been stuck in jail.  I wish they would re-write that, and set him free, and literally make a series of Begbie movies, of Begbie being Begbie, Begbeing all over the place. [Update – THEY MAY JUST MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE!!!]  Begbie.  Just saying (or typing) his name brings joy to my soul.   Begbie is a horrible human being/character, but I beg for more Begbie.  Begbie, please always Beg-BE, and I will forever be spotting

–

Trainslurping: love the new girl Anjela Nedyalkova (even though she was underused)

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

T2 terminates your brain in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The LEGO® Batman Movie
Boy Wonder Boys
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG | 104 min

Like me, you’re human.  Like me, you LOVED The LEGO® Movie!!!  Everything about it was awesome, especially the Batman parts, and so when they decided to make a LEGO® Batman Movie, of course you and I had to see it, and of course we knew it was gonna be AND actually would be equally as AWESOME as the other LEGO® movie was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Batman and the Gotham universe is rich in everything – characters, scenery, color, darkness, awesomeness, and history – and it’s all on display, tongue in cheek, in another mad dash of 100 minutes of LEGO® brick building (and destroying) fun for all ages  

The thing about these LEGO® movies vs actual movies is that the possibilities of what they can do is limitless.  When they make a real Batman movie with humans, they are limited.  They can’t have too much fun, and they can’t do everything.  Well, EVERYTHING happened in this LEGO® Batman Movie, and even though it’s seems like they did everything, I’m sure it won’t be hard for them to top this if they go for a 2nd round of LEGO® Batman Movie (please Lord, make it happen)  

To be honest – this one LEGO® Batman Movie was more entertaining than anything Christopher Nolan ever did with the character, or in fact, any super hero movie released this century done did!  Like LEGO® Batman’s password would say – IRON MAN SUCKS!!!

I don’t see a lot of animated movies, mainly cause I’m an adult without kids (and would much rather see a documentary or an old black & white movie), and mainly cause they don’t make them like they used to, but whatever they’re doing when making these LEGO® movies, they need to NEVER stop, EVER with them

They need to take EVERY existing franchise and turn them into LEGO® movies.  I’m sure they’ll eventually somehow make a Star Wars one, and when they do, it will be better than the new Star Wars movies they’ve been making.  IT WILL BE TRUE!!!

Wouldn’t you rather see young Han Solo as a LEGO®, then as a human who isn’t Harrison Ford?

LEGO® my eggo!!!  And my Solo!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Batman is batsh!t awesome at a theater near jews AND white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…