Thighs Wide Shut

Bleed For This
THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 117 min

Do you know the story of boxer Vinny Pazienza?  If not, stop reading and go see Bleed For This!

If you do, continue to read AND then go see Bleed For This!!

Everyone loves an movie about an underdog, hispecially a sports one, where our hero is fighting against all the odds, and coming out on top in the end!  Angelo Pizzo is THE guy to tell those stories.  Ever hear of Hoosiers or Rudy??  He’s that guy!  And he co-wrote this incredible true story for the big screen, for the guy who directed Boiler Room (Ben Younger), and for that dude who directed Raging Bull, who co-produced this movie.  What does that tell you about this movie?

What if they threw in Miles Teller as Vinny Paz?  Remember how many Miles of blood Teller bleed for that redonky donk drumming movie???  HE DOES IT HERE EVEN MORE!!!  THE WORD ‘BLEED‘ IS IN THE TITLE!!!  WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU???  THAT HE WILL BLEED A LOT AND IT’S GOING TO BE PAINFULLY AWESOME!!!  I can also tell you that Miles Teller is incredible, here and for always!

And what if I told you that Aaron Eckhart was both unrecognizable AND fantastic in this movie?  He plays Vinny’s trainer Kevin Rooney (who also trained Mike Tyson!), and he’s both unrecognizable AND fantastic.  I TOLD YOU!  And he even shaved most of his forehead hair for the part!  Like some straight up Ruffalo Foxcatcher forehead shave job greatness!

And what if I told you that the greatest living actor - Ciarán Hinds – was in it too?

And the Buffalo Bob killer from Silence of The Lambs?

And Katey Sagal too!?

And what if I told you that I love you?  Would you go see this movie??  OK, I love you!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Welcome Back Hotter - Christine Evangelista, who we last/lust caught up with/on six years ago, is still super fine, and in Bleed For This, she boobs for us!!!  BOOBS!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Bleed for it, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Tower
Rifiling With Rotoscoping
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
Not Rated | 82 min

I do not condone murder, but I cannot help but be fascinated by murderers (and their victims).  If you’ve read this site before, you know that (I’m insane) David Fincher’s Zodiac is my everything (that isn’t fried chicken, the Nationals, or my wife), so a documentary about the 1966 University of Texas Tower Shooting was totally gonna be up my alley, and up my butt – and it totally ended up being so/both!

In 82 measly (un)easy minutes, Keith Maitland‘s Tower lets the victims tell their stories from that day, and beyond.  From historical records and new interviews, Maitland took their testimonial transcripts and recreated the tragedy by rotoscoping actors and pairing it with whatever existing footage exists into a dreamy nightmare documentary that instills fear and thrills, but also inspires hope and peace

Normally the murderer is the one who gets the most attention in any filmed infotainment about murderers, but Charles Whitman’s name barely gets a mention by the time the films wraps, and while I was wondering about the who/what/when/where/how/why about Whitman the entire time, I actually didn’t mind ending up not knowing anything about him at all.  He set the event in motion, but he’s not important

This doc is important

Most folks know little of this event, but hopefully that will no longer be the case if one checks out one the most essential films of 2016!  EAT THAT ALL OTHER 2016 MOVIES!!!

Sadly, history has repeated itself many times since this event, but maybe we can learn from the past mistakes of others.  What a TOWERing achievement that would be

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tower is very tall, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Snowden
Villians, Heroes, Ones & Zeroes
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 134 min

Edward Snowden and his story must be told, as many times as possible.  It has been told thru the news, endlessly, and then again, personally, in the vital doc Citizenfour, and now Oliver Stone takes his crack, and you’d think it would be all kinds of crackpot-ted, but it’s actually crackerjack!

In fact – Stone’s Snowden is his best film since 1995’s Nixon!  Woah, that’s a long-ass time ago, and yeah, he’s kinda made nuttin but crap since then (although I thighly recommend his TV show ‘The Untold History of the United States‘), but maybe Ollie needed to circle the wagons before he could find himself again – railing against the system, while telling a good story

When watching Stone’s post Nixon output, I kept saying to myself – these don’t feel or look like Oliver Stone films.  They look like sh!t and they feel like a$$.  Maybe Ollie’s done with the 60s and 70s, but we weren’t done with Ollie’s 60s and 70s, but Snowden shows that in the 10s, and with the 1s and 0s, he can make a modern Oliver Stone movie that works, and one that we can be at peace with… while it’s at war, with the world!

As for the movie? Joseph Gordon-Levitt IS Snowden.  If you’ve seen Citizenfour (and you should), you’ll think that G-Levitt nailed it as Snowden.  And Shailene Woodley as his love interest?  She makes things lovely, and interesting, adding well needed humanizing to Snowden’s story, which I didn’t really expect from Stone, or from a spy story that mainly involves keyboards and monitors!

And the rest of the cast?  Outside of Nicolas Cage‘s oddly restrained role as a burned out g-man, Melissa Leo (nice and quiet), Zachary Quinto (forever intense with those eyebrows), Tom Wilkinson (nice Scottish accent!), Scott Eastwood (so glad we’ll have someone that looks like Clint for decades to come), Timothy Olyphant (always a jerk), Ben Schnetzer (keep an eye on this guy), Keith Stanfield (another one to watch), and Rhys Ifans (always a prick, always amazing) all help to shine a much needed light on the darkness that lies behind keeping our enemies at bay

Plus, most people aint gonna see a documentary, so it’s important that thee fictionalized movie gets it right, cause more people will see it, and this movie gets it right, and more people need to see it!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Snowden snowDOES it right, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hell or High Water
Bank Shot
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 102 min

Cops!  Robbers!  Cowboys!  Injuns!  Texas!  Dust!  MUSTaches!!!!!!!!!  Captain Kirk with one particularly MUST must MUSTache!!  That crazy actor dude who was banging Sean Penn’s ex-wife playing crazy, and wily, and crazy wily!!  (I mean, can he play anything else?  would you want him to?)

Jeff Bridges with a strange accent but he kinda disappears into that strange accent!!  His partner that sorta looks like my uncle!

It’s the David Mackenzie directed film from Taylor Sheridan‘s script - Hell or High Water!! 

There’s not much hell or water, but plenty of thirsting, for dollars, and doing things right, even if they have to be done in a wrong way!  

The plot is this – two guys rob banks and then re-pay outstanding debts to the very same banks they juss stole from with the money they stole!  It’s like robbing Peter to pay Paul Peter!!!  Woah!!!!  

And man, those Texas vistas are beautiful!

And this girl - Melanie Papalia – who played a hooker – has some nice vistas of her own!

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

douse Hell with Water, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sully
Winging It
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 96 min

You know the story – a plane is in mad flying trouble and a mild-mannered pilot with an awesome white mustache lands the plane in the Hudson River with zero casualties.  IT’S THE MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON!!!  (like Moscow Over The Hudson, but less Russian, but in even more of a hurry).  But did you know our dear Captain was questioned after the fact by our government for how he saved lives????  Thanks for doing your job guy, now lets tell you how you did it wrong!!  And did you know that his co-pilot had an equally awesome MUSTache???????

What could have easily been a good Lifetime movie, is an even better Clint Eastwood film (and even better than the fictional downer Flight), even though the conclusion is no surprise, and there’s about 4 minutes of actual story… or so you might think.  Well, every story needs a bad guys, and ours are a bunch of bad white dude investigators from the NTSB.  DAMN YOU!!! YOU ARE EVEN WORSER THAN NKOTB!!!!!

Whatevs, our angel in the sky -  Chesley ‘Sully’ Sullenberger is a fcuking hero above many other fucking awesome heroes, and of course everything’s gonna be alright – CAUSE HOW COULD YOU CONDEMN A MAN WHO SAVED PEOPLE!?!?!??!?  AND DID WE MENTION HIS CO-PILOT (JEFF SKILES) AND HIS CO-AWESOMESZOZ MUSTACHIO???

I know you think it’s funny that Tom Hanks always gets himself into travel trouble in the movies that he’s in, and that we should never travel with him – but that’s the dumbest thing (and meme) I’ve ever heard.  What, you want to travel with handsome dudes like Brad Pitt or George Clooney?  Those dudes don’t stand a chance.  They’d drown cause they’d be too busy combing they’d hairs!!!  Tom Hanks is the captain – now AND forever.  Those other dudes are just pretty window dressing, or aisle dressing, or middle seat dressing, and they’d not really all that good at acting etiher.  It’s hard to sympathize with beauty.  I’m with everyman Hanks, thru thick or thin, staying afloat or sunk as the Cleveland Browns playoff chances.  Hanks for the memories Tom, now and forever.  Fly us to the moon, or to the bottom of the sea, and we’ll come and see it, no matter what your final disaster destination is

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

Sully soars the unfriendly skies at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…