Thighs Wide Shut

The Kid With A Bike
(Le gamin au vélo)
Spoked Up
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 87 min

Jean-Pierre Dardenne & Luc Dardenne‘s (aka as the Dardenne Brothers) The Kid With A Bike is about a kid… with a… bike!!  THAT’S RIGHT!!!  But this aint no ordinary kid, but this is an ordinary bike!!  The kid is Cyril (Thomas Doret) and his missing bike is the last link he has to his father (Jérémie Renier), who recently left him to make money and love elsewhere.  The kid starts off in search of his MIA bike, but really he’s searching for his father.  After randomly tightly hugging a random stranger (Cécile De France), this random stranger randomly decides to help the kid reunite with his bike, and his father.  The reunion with his bike goes well.  The reunion with his father… not so much.  Sad.  But this random lady is very nice and decides to take the kid under her wings, but the kid is troublesome and gets into some big troubles, but the lady is so so very very nice nice and caring that she stands by him thru thick and thin and thickish thinish.  Good for her.  Better for him.  Indifference for the bike

moral of the story – Bike is a sweet little movie about a boy and his bike and the random lady who helped the boy get back on his bike, and get his life bike back together.  If you hate this movie, you hate humanity, and probably hate bikes.  Don’t hate on humanity, and don’t hate on bikes

O Brothers: here’s a list of 20 sets of brother directors.  totally wished me & my bro were directors, instead of him being a lawyer and me being a master of thighs.  oh well

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Bike cycles into select theaters this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

btw, the best kid with a bike ever is Paperboy, and btw, you should never 5get who stole Little Mac’s bike

Hereafter
Five Feet Underdone
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

What happens when we die?  A question none of us will ever know the answer to… UNTIL IT’S FAR TOO LATE!  Well, grizzled ole Clint Eastwood musta been wrestling with that very quandary himself, after wrestling a whole decade with nuttin but death (Gran Torino being the true masterpiece of the bunch, although that borefest Invictus was death free… although Apartheid did die!).  So welcome to Hereafter, a film that provides no answers either, juss some thoughts and feelings and sensations and fuzzy transmissions, and three separate storylines that will end up sloppily merging together for no better reason other than each story couldn’t possibly be worthwhile on their own!  Wait, how is this the end result of an Eastwood and scriptman Peter Morgan (Frost/Nixon, The Queen, anything well written in the past 5 years) duet??  Had their names been absent in the credits, then Hereafter would be a fine little piece of movie fluff, and it certainly is, but still, shouldn’t this have been a slam dunk of greatness, and not a decently made foul shot???  OK, enuff with the analogies, and enuff of the names on the marquee prejudicenessness, cause the movie is adequate enuff, even if it is, at times, super cheesy, and feels longer than Carlos

So what are the three stories?  First is the plight of opening scene typhoon (AND WHAT A DIGITAL TYPHOON IT IS!) survivor Cécile De France (that chick from that wretched French horror movie with the ending that made no sense).  She a had a mighty close brush with death, even seeing stuff like gray figures in gray clouds!!!, but lived!!!!  She tries to go back to her normal French life of being a TV presenter and banging her bearded producer (Thierry Neuvic),  but that won’t work cause she will never be normal again!!!  So she takes a break from TV and starts writing about her experiences, and in the process losing all the fame and money she had before.  Maybe if she can get a book out, maybe then she can find some peace and piece of mind!!!!!

Meet Matt Damon.  He lives in San Francisco and works on the docks cause he doesn’t want to do his old job, which was to give psychic readings to very very very bereaved peoples. It nearly ruined his life, and a chance at ever having one, and he won’t do it again, no matter how many times his receding-haired brother Jay Mohr (Jay Mohr in an Eastwood movie, WTFFFFF??? although having Richard Kind show up for a scene made up for it) tries to convince him to jump back into the game!  Then, at a cooking course (led by Bobby Baccalieri!!!!) he meets a charming young girl who totally wants to bone him and she is totally Bryce Dallas Howard.  Will he get the girl or have to keep escaping his unwanted gift again and again?????

In London, there are a set of adorable twin kiddies (Frankie McLaren and George McLaren) with a strung out mum, who they take care of more than they are taken care of.  Everything isn’t perfect, but they make it work, that is until one of the twins is hit by a car, and the weaker-willed twin can’t figure out how to carry-on without him!!!!!!  If only he had some answers!!!!  Oh yeah, there’s some side-crap with his mother going to rehab and him living with foster folks, but we’ll pay about as much attention to em as the movie does!!!  Rebarkless, the twinsies part was hactually our mos flavorite out of the three

Soooooo, these 3 stories eventually run into each other and guess what, everyone lives happily ever Hereafter!!!  Ugh!  Well, if you thought that pun was lazy, then you can’t imagine how lazy this movie is, although it’s a lot more watchable, and mos def enjoyable than whatevs that Peter Jackson Lovely Bones thang was, and there’s no bones about it!!!

We’d Never Kick Out The Jam… panoï: in De France’s absecne from the TV studio, Mylène Jampanoï takes her job, and our heart!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers

Hereafter lives somewhat happily ever this Friday only in NY, LA and East Grand Forks, MN(???), and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…