Thighs Wide Shut

1987 & 1988 Suzuki Samurai 4×4 [Alden Jewell]

our Annual NFL Pee View doesn’t sit for anthems, it creates them!!

NFC

Suspensions, injuries, racist nicknames, and the Eagles – that about sums up the NFC East.  Always a dog fight, and three of those dogs (Giants/Cowboys/Skins) will somehow all end up with identical 10-6 records, and somehow 10-6 won’t be enough for the Skins to actually make the playoffs.  I really hope none of that happens.  In fact, I wish the Giants, Cowboys and Eagles didn’t exist.  And in fact, I sometimes wish the Redskins didn’t either.  Even I’m ready to move on from their name, and owner and everything about them.  Without the Browns and the Jags, the Redskins would probably be the most pathetic NFL franchise.  You know what, the Browns and Jags ARE less pathetic, cause no one expects anything from them.  Everyone expects the Skins to suck, and expectations continue to be met!  Hooray?

And like the improbability of three division teams going 10-6, I’m picking three NFC North teams (Pack/Vikes/Lions) to finish 7-9, with the Bears a tick behind at 6-10!  The 7-9 tiebreaker goes to the Pack, cause Aaron Rodgers is now free of Olivia Munn distractions, and now gets to throw at monster TE Martellus Bennett, who probably has a very clear head after hanging with Snoop Dogg this summer

The Falcons will remain the new mouth of the South, although opening a new stadium with a Chick-fil-A that won’t be open on Sunday gamedays is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard (besides a diner in Star Wars).  The Panthers, Bucs and Saints will all do well, but not well enough.  I feel like the Bucs are almost there, but maybe a year away from being there.  BE THERE!!!

The 49ers and Wherever Rams got new coaches, who both formerly worked for the Skins, and so their teams are filled with Skins castoffs, meaning they won’t be very good, even if Kirk Kousins joins either of those teams next year.  Best of luck next year, or the year after!!  That leaves the Cards and the Hawks to duke it out, and yes, they will, with matching records, but Zona taking the crown, and Seattle settling for a Wild Card birth

#1 Zona

#2 Falcons

#3 Giants

#4 Packers

#5 Seahawks

#6 Cowboys

Cowboys over Giants / Seahawks over Pack

Cowboys over Zona / Seahawks over Falcons

NFC Championship – two wild card teams run wild all the way to the Conference title game, with the Hawks squawking by the Boys. 38-31

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AFC

I made one of the würstest and dumbest calls of all time last year – I said the Pats weren’t going to even make the playoffs in 2016.  I said that cause I wanted it to happen.  It didn’t.  I then bet against them in the Super Bowl, and then they embarrassed the Falcons and me and won their like 238238288th Super Bowl.  I won’t make the same mistake again.  I will never doubt the team that gets to play the Fins, Bills and Jets 6 times a year.  If only every person in the world had 6 easy opponents they had to face every year – the world would be such a better place… unless you were a Fins, Bills or Jets fan.  Sorry guys

The AFC North should be known as America’s division.  The cities that make it up are the heart of America, and helped to decide and shape where we are now.  You should care about these people, and in turn, these teams.  These people probably don’t lead the happiest of lives, so we need these teams to win, and make these people happy, so they won’t be unhappy, and make dumb mistakes like the mistake America is living right now.  OK, I know Maryland is a blue state, but they got the blues, and so I will root for all 4 teams to make the playoffs.  Since that isn’t possible, then go Steelers!  Ravens!  and Bengals!  And in my heart, go Browns!  May you surprise us all and win it all!  That would not only make Ohio happy, but all of America happy.  Heck, it may even make North Korea happy!

Oh yeah, that division with all those teams that didn’t exist in their current cities prior to 1984.  Got to pick someone to win it, right?  [puts names in a hat.  burns hat.  one name can partially be read and it is…] congrats Titans!!!  8-8 is great enuff!!

The Raiders technically owe the city of Oakland nothing.  The NFL is a bidness, and money will be made no matter where a team moves.  But the Raiders should win one for their fans in Oakland, before they move on and give Vegas a run for its money.  It actually can totally happen!!! It could have happened last year, had their Carr not broken down on the road to the Super Bowl.  Keep that carr running.  Take it to Jiffy Lube or Jersey Lube or HÃ¥kan Loob.  Dude, HÃ¥kan Loob!!!!!!!  OK, now for the others – seriously, who’s the Broncos QB?  Will Andy Reid go full walrus this year in KC??  And Chargers, why would you are ANYONE ever leave San Diego?  That weather!  THOSE TACOS!!!!

Seeds

#1 Steelers

#2 Patriots

#3 Raiders

#4 Titans

#5 Ravens 

#6 Bengals

Raiders over Bengals / Ravens over Titans

Steelers over Ravens / Pats over Raiders

AFC Championship – is there anything more boring than a Steelers-Patriots conference title game?  yeah, the Pats winning it 17-14

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Super Bowl – Super Bowl XLIX happens again, but the Seahawks make up for blowing it the first time around vs the Evil Empire and do the do

Seahawks 31, Patriots 30

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we ran out of Meagan Good in a Hooters outfit pics.  oh well.  Agustina should suffice

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perv-iously…

The Unlevened Eleventh Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Ten Things I Hate About Our Tenth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Deep Spaced Nine Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

H8-Ashbury Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Bert BlySeven Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Tony Romo’s broken, but our Annual NFL Pee View aint.  here we go…

NFC

The Giants should easily win the NFC East, right?  Ben McAdoo?  More like Ben McAdon’t!  They say he looks like some dude on South Park (a show I haven’t watched since season 1), but I think he looks like a bullsh!t version of Begbie from Trainspotting.  Regardless, in my heart of hearts, I want no team to win less than them.  Living in New York City, during a time when they’ve netted 2 Lombardi trophies, has been simply unbearable.  Having them suck above all other NY sports teams is all I can hang my hopes on to.  I don’t trust the Redskins, but I actually think they’re more together than the other teams in their division (Eagles may suprise, but probably not), and so, they will make the playoffs… and probably lose in the first round again

Silly to think that the Packers have only won one Super Bowl with A.A. Ron Rodgers, but that’s the truth.  His brother ‘won’ the Bachelorette, and apparently there’s been much Rodgers family drama going on with their ladies, which will distract A.A. Ron from winning another.  The Vikes need another sex boat scandal to become sexy again, and the Bears are praying the Cubs dominance will continue to take the edge and attention off and away from their awfulness… which leaves the Megatron-less Lions being the mightiest of this bunch.  Woah!  Say it aint so!

The Panthers will remain one of the conference’s top dogs (or should that be cats?), but the Saints will give them a run for their money all season long.  Brees will actual break the record for most TDs in a game – a record he is currently shares with 7 other white dudes.  The Bucs will continue to suck until they realize that they need to revert back to their original uniforms and helmet.  And the Falcons?  Time to put Matty on ice for good, or in a dumpster (on fire or not)

The 12th man and the 11 starting Seahawks will retake their West crown back from the Cardinals, in 4pm EST games most of us will not really care about, but will watch, cause it’s football!!!  Will be cool to see the Rams back in Los Angeles, and even more cooler when we see the Rams without Jeff Fisher.  What woulda been even way more cooler is if they renamed themselves the Los Angeles Dons – the 1st football team to ever play in LA, which was co-owned by Louis B Mayer, Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, and Don Ameche!  DON FCUKING AMECHE PEOPLE!!

#1 Seahawks

#2 Panthers

#3 Skinz

#4 Lions

#5 Cardinals

#6 Saints

NFC Championship – Saints meet up with the Panthers and stun the defending Conference champ – 44 – 39!!!

nice neck!

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AFC

Is this the year the Patriots don’t getter-done?  Everyone’s sick of them and their cheating.  That’s why the NFL punished them – even though they’ve never been proven guilty of anything, other than being amazing.  (OK, I guess they got caught in Spygate, but that was almost 10 years ago, and I can’t remember what happened 10 seconds ago).  We certainly shouldn’t count them out, but lets say Jimmy Galapagos isn’t Tom Brady II.  OK – Jimmy Santangelo isn’t the 2nd coming of Tom Brady.  Lets say he puts them in a 0-4 hole to start the season.  OK, Jimmy Gulps loses 4 games. Sure, Brady could win the next 12, but lets say he only wins 9?  9-7 is tough tomatoes when talking about AFC playoff spots.  Seems like some AFCers have finished 10-6 and haven’t made the dance.  So, for giggles and big sh!ts, lets say the Pats try their dam damn bestest, but don’t make it to the playoffs!  I’M CALLING IT!!!  Cause honestly, what else do I have to do?  So, I guess that means I have to pick a division winner.  I have a soft spot in my heart for the Bills, but one coach Ryan is too many coach Ryans, so two coach Ryans is too two too many.  Phins stink, so my defacto winner are the Jets!!!

RGIII is now the Browns‘ problem, but it’s a perfect place for him – low visibility and even lower expectations.  And I expect him to be placed on injured reserve when his ego deflates in week 4, when his former teammates on the Redskins scalp his RGKnees to shreds!!!  I don’t dig on the Steelers and their drug addicted team, and I don’t dig the Ravens neither (mainly cause black still doesn’t pair well with purple).  I also don’t diggity dig on the Bengals none either neither, but at least their consistent, at being good in the regular season, and sucking in the post-season.  The NFL’s storylines don’t change dramatically from year to year, so the Cincy boys will win.  Insert ‘Zzz’ emoji here…

Gonna spare you and me the words, and leave the North division to one word - Colts 

I’m doing it again, two years in a row – picking the Chiefs, Broncos and Chargers all to make the playoffs, cause why the funk not?  Hell, the Raiders even have a shot… when they move to Vegas and become The Las Vegas He Hates Mees!

Seeds

#1 Colts

#2 Bengals

#3 Jets

#4 Chiefs

#5 Broncos

#6 Chargers

AFC Championship – IF the Pats don’t make the Playoffs, the Colts with luck without suck will ground the Jets – 21 – 10

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Super Bowl –wait, how did I pick a rematch of Super Bowl XLIV???  dunno – but these things happen, but this time the Colts win, and the two teams combine to break the record of most points scored in a Super Bowl (75 pts in Super Bowl XXIX)

Colts 39, Saints 37

rumspringa party time for all the Amish kids!!!

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our super ye olde yee pee views always used to end with a pic of Meagan Good in a Hooters outfit, cause why not?  we thought we used every single Meagan Good in a Hooters outfit picture in the known world, but turns out we didn’t!  lucky you!  lucky me!  lucky we!!

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perv-iously…

Ten Things I Hate About Our Tenth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Deep Spaced Nine Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

H8-Ashbury Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Bert BlySeven Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish