Thighs Wide Shut

THREE CHEERS FOR THE WU-TANG CLAN

Reunited, no double-LP in sight-ed, but the world still gets eggcited anytime the entire Wu-Tang Clan takes to the stage. And for one blizzardly night at Illadelphia’s famed Electric Factory (which I kept calling ‘The Electric Company’, cause my memory can fit on a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk), as part of their short 11 date Ol Dirty Bastard RIP tour, it was 1997 all over again for me… when I saw the cru open for Rage Against the Machine, twice, and fluvs course, left before Rage played a note. ANYWHO, for the past mark few years, I’ve sorta declared a personal jihad (which is the new personal jesus [d-lode]) against hip-hop/rap/R&B/whatever. Kinda all looks and sounds the same to me, with a few eggceptions here and there. I mean, isn’t Kanye West juss like a new and improved Puff Dazzler? But whatta I know, I master Thighs, not Amoebas.

The last time I bought anything Wu-related was back in the ’99, when their overbloated, yet overenjoyable double Forever was dropped, and thus anything that came after that is Portuguese knees to me. So it was franztastically eggzilirating and rizsounding that the 2nd greatest collective of hip-rappers (behind Public Enemy), the RZA, GZA, M-E-T-H-O-D Man, Raekwon the Chef, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Cappadonna, and Masta Killa, gave its audience a 2 + hour show filled with a plethora (30+) of pre-Y2K shazzle! They razzled the ENTIRE Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) album, the key tracks from the aforementioned Forever, and the one thing you won’t get when you see any of them individually, juss the illest mos dopest mos flizztasticirhherialicious tracks from each of em, including all the key guestspotting, such as G-face’s ‘Daytona 500’, ‘kwon’s ‘Criminology’, and anythin off GZA’s Liquid Swords, hispecially ‘4th Chamber’.

On top of that, the crowd eat it up. There were plenty of ‘Wu’ chants and ‘W’s thrown up by the crowd, water being sprayed on to the crowd, and on-stage sorta sexual harassment of ladies picked from the crowd, which is par for the course, right? While cash was ruling everything around, and the gestapoish security who almost kicked me out for takin snaps, the night belonged to olde dirt-dog himself, ODB. It wasn’t a memorial service, but more of a celebration of the mos filthy man to ever work in the music industry. Could you imagine how many diseases were in his sperm? I bet even small pox and rheumatic fever were it dat jazzle!! Supposedly a portion of the tickets sales will go to ODB’s surviving family, but no word if ticketholders can use this as a tax write-off. Man, this effin show effin rocked, or it rapped, or it hip-hopped(?)!!! So, why did 1997 ever end? I dunno, cause I only time my JO sessions, not the rotation of the Earth around the sun. Regardless, my faith in the Clan has been restored, enuff so to partially lift my jihad on three genres of music. Er, maybe not, unless of course it involves Danger Mouse. Wu-Tang Clan aint nuttin to f#%k with, and they is truly 4eva. And remember, Protons Electrons Always Cause Explosions (that’s PEACE to you idjiots)

Bonus: Where’ve They Beens?

THREE CHEESES FOR ME

What’s a trip to Motown Illy without…
1) hating the Eagles
2) thinking about Boyz II Men
3) and eating their holy cheesesteaks (previous trip I & II)

Revelations this gogh around:

1) it is humanly possible to eat 3.5 cheesesteaks in a 15 hour time span (1am session + a 5pm session), juss don’t ask how bloody my anus is right now
2) while newly tasted Jim’s is mos def the best of the inner city that I’ve had (+ the best place to make your clothes smell like onions), outta the way Dalessandro’s remains my mos flavorite. So much so that after I finished my first one and really only wanted another half, I turned to a rather large gentleman next to me and politely asked if he wanted to split one. When he declined, he egged me on to get one, and thus I was ‘forced’ to eat a 2nd on my own. My mom muss be so proud of me right now
3) you a Whiz, Provolone, or American kinda c’steaker? Why not be all three and get ALL THREE on one c’steak (where available, or 2 if faced with only 2 choices). I did it, I say its delicious, and since I’m the GZA of eating, do as I tell you and maybe you’ll be overweight too!!
4) still haven’t been to Tony Luke’s… does that mean that I’m not allowed to die yet?
5) every other meal I had this past weekend that didn’t include cheesesteaks, did include both meat and cheese. Being a vegetarian sucks. Animals are meant to look pretty and be eaten, but not in that order. YUM

THREE TEARS FOR LUCAS

When’s the last time you sat uranus down and gave a bit of your day to the secret bestest 80s teen flick of dem all? DAT’S RIGHT, YO, BESTEST!!! A year before he’d co-starred with Corey Feldman in The Lost Boys, Corey Haim was proving that there’s nothing wrong with being different (the movie’s tagline). And nothing wrong with having boners for hot chicks, even if they don’t want you cause yer Lucas (not the movie’s tagline)!! But nothing stops Lucas, the main character in Lucas, the super underground forgotten modern day classic of all celluloids!!! It’s so depressing, so uplifting, sirprizingly so well written, and so great to pee it after all these beers (‘see it after all these years’ for those who dont like my slanguage)!!

Hi, I’m Lucas
either feel sorry for me
or feel my balls!

Do you think Lucas’ crush on super fly Kerri Green
is what got the other Corey the role of Mouth
in The Goonies, and not him?

Can u bee leave that after Cappie
dumped Courtney Thorne-Smith
she had the nerve to move-in with Mr Shoop??

Dude, I totally wanted to ryder Winona
back in the way day
juss cause she looked like Lukas Haas

Hey, I’m THAT guy
and I hate curly-haired Jewish dudes!
and sleeves!!!!

I was so pissed when I finally got to high school
and I couldn’t find a laundry room or
someone with a bod as hot as Charlie Sheen’s hot bod!!

Hi, I’m Lucas,
I’m poor and
of course my tux shows how poor
and lame my tastes are!
I’m ready to have a dump taken on top of my heart
since my supposeded BFF totally wants to bang
the chick that I wanna bang
but have no chance with

His balls totally burned
like Chicago in 1871
when Booger and Takashi
poured liquid heat on his j-strap

FINALLY, Lucas bout to show everyone dat he DA man,
but too bad taking off his helmet is as good a call
as f#%king ODB without a condom!!

When Kerri and Winona finally choose to bone me
they better wear dem dere unies
or I’ll hurt Lucas’
and
make him even more poorerer
and parentless!!

And after much hate and hazing
Lucas frynallly earns the love
and respector deck
of THAT guy
and even the gr8
Ari Gold
AND yes,
Carol Seaver‘s boyfriend,
Bobby Wynette,
as THAT guy starts the dreaded delayed clapping
sequence that perfectly ends 63% of all movies from the 80s!!

[major (dad) props to
Lost In The Past
for the snaps]

& THREE BURIALS FOR MELQUIADES ESTRADA!!!
review cumin this week

And from the bookmarks of my Illy host, not this guy, I giveth to you: Project: Denny’s

And uh, yeah, these are the final results, when I felt like making them final results, for the 2nd ever PhotoChop Corn-a-thang Thing!!

WOW! Outta NOwhere Bowfingerer’s The ASSassination of HRT the VI Warshawski takes the CROWN!!! CONGRATS!!! No get ready to get some crap in the mail, and no, I will not be sending a cheesesteak dump in the mail, although the green apple splatters are a possib!! Please send Frida your address. Who’s Frida? My secretary. And who am I? Frida’s boss. Right Mr P?

And uh, yeah, life no s’mores to Bench and Cover!!! BOOO death!!! YOU BLOW like the movie Blow!!

And Mike Shanahan, juss cause yer face was a bright red tomato at the Pro Bowl, doesn’t make you cool like the Flying Tomato. GO CURLING!!!