mo quick hitz!

The Lighthouse

Bless you Robert Eggers.  You know how to strike a mood, and give us the heebie jeebies.  In making a movie about two Lighthouse keepers not keeping sane, you drove us insane, and made quite the pretty picture in the process.  It felt like watching a full-length, b&w version of the part in the R.E.M. ‘Losing My Religion’ video where the spotlight shines on the two dudes

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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Richard Jewell

Clint Eastwood makes good movies with few surprises, and Richard Jewell is more of the same goodness that comes with and has no surprises.  And it’s certainly no surprise how amazing Paul Walter Hauser is as the title character.  He can fill out any uniform he’s given (did you see him in I, Tonya??), and outperform most people he’s acting along side with.  I’m not a big ‘awards matter’ kinda guy (considering Zodiac has next to none), but not getting a best (supporting) actor nomination is as great an injustice to Hauser as whatever happened to Jewell was!!! Eastwood should make a movie about Hauser’s injustice, and he can play himself!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

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Bombshell

Every year there seems to be a left cinematic takedown on the right, and no matter how liberal my beliefs are (free fried chicken for all!), even I think these take-downs are wearing a bit thin on society.  Preaching to the choir does nothing for the choir.  Then again, Bombshell isn’t as angry, dumb and udderly pointless as last year’s Vice was.  And it’s more than juss saying how horrible Fox News and the right media is, it’s about how horrible they treated women!  Hot women! Mildly nice looking women!  And the dogs!  But the real reason this movie works and keeps yer eyes glued to it is cause the make-up and hair work is beyond comp-HAIR!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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Little Women

I know nothing really of Louisa May Alcott or her work. I’m sure it’s revered for a reason.  I skipped the previous 1994 iteration of her Little Women (and how did I???  it has both Susan Sarandon AND Winona Ryder!!!), and the 1949 version and the 1933 version.  So going off Greta Grrrrrrrrwig’s 2019 version, all I can say is… maybe this movie would have been more captivating had they spoke in British accents??  I dunno, feels like much to do about zilch-a-rooney.  The only thing I really liked was seeing Louis Garrel‘s nose every 30 or so minutes in the movie.  The rest was too little to care about.  Also, did everyone who voted Florence Pugh into a nomination for this, see her BETTER performance, and a performance for the new ages, in Midsommar?????  All those people, f’shame.  May you be sewn into a bear!!!

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

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still have some more to see before making my top picks for 2019.  1917 is one of thems.  most recent odds have 1917 as the main favorite to win best picture.  we’ll see!!  maybe I’ll juss hold out for 1918

without SFPD Detective David Toschi…

Bullitt would be shooting blanks

Dirty Harry would be too clean cut

Mark Ruffalo wouldn’t have the role he and his hair were born to play

and Luke Skywalker would not have a better place to be

thank you Detective Toschi.  if it makes you feel better, no one else ever caught the Zodiac either

Sully
Winging It
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 96 min

You know the story – a plane is in mad flying trouble and a mild-mannered pilot with an awesome white mustache lands the plane in the Hudson River with zero casualties.  IT’S THE MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON!!!  (like Moscow Over The Hudson, but less Russian, but in even more of a hurry).  But did you know our dear Captain was questioned after the fact by our government for how he saved lives????  Thanks for doing your job guy, now lets tell you how you did it wrong!!  And did you know that his co-pilot had an equally awesome MUSTache???????

What could have easily been a good Lifetime movie, is an even better Clint Eastwood film (and even better than the fictional downer Flight), even though the conclusion is no surprise, and there’s about 4 minutes of actual story… or so you might think.  Well, every story needs a bad guys, and ours are a bunch of bad white dude investigators from the NTSB.  DAMN YOU!!! YOU ARE EVEN WORSER THAN NKOTB!!!!!

Whatevs, our angel in the sky -  Chesley ‘Sully’ Sullenberger is a fcuking hero above many other fucking awesome heroes, and of course everything’s gonna be alright – CAUSE HOW COULD YOU CONDEMN A MAN WHO SAVED PEOPLE!?!?!??!?  AND DID WE MENTION HIS CO-PILOT (JEFF SKILES) AND HIS CO-AWESOMESZOZ MUSTACHIO???

I know you think it’s funny that Tom Hanks always gets himself into travel trouble in the movies that he’s in, and that we should never travel with him – but that’s the dumbest thing (and meme) I’ve ever heard.  What, you want to travel with handsome dudes like Brad Pitt or George Clooney?  Those dudes don’t stand a chance.  They’d drown cause they’d be too busy combing they’d hairs!!!  Tom Hanks is the captain – now AND forever.  Those other dudes are just pretty window dressing, or aisle dressing, or middle seat dressing, and they’d not really all that good at acting etiher.  It’s hard to sympathize with beauty.  I’m with everyman Hanks, thru thick or thin, staying afloat or sunk as the Cleveland Browns playoff chances.  Hanks for the memories Tom, now and forever.  Fly us to the moon, or to the bottom of the sea, and we’ll come and see it, no matter what your final disaster destination is

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

Sully soars the unfriendly skies at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Get On Up
Soul Brother # Won
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 138 min

I know who James Brown is. Lucky to have seen him in concert, TWICE! Perhaps today’s kids aren’t all up on their Godfather of Soul knowledge – and hence the need for dem to GET ON UP on it, as suggested by the talking head testimonial trailer singing his singing praises, that’s been used more as this biopic’s trailer than its own actual trailer. Well, regardless if you know JB or don’t, your probably won’t learn much about him in Tate Taylor‘s (The Help) lively, but information-free Get On Up

Funk don’t quit, even if the funk is uninformative

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Jersey Boys
Oh What A Blight!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 134 min

There’s nothing more cheesy than the Jersey Boys musical. That is until I encountered the movie version of the musical, directed by the ‘musical’ Clint Eastwood, which reveals JUSS how cheesy the musical is, when you add in close-ups and sets and things and stuff

Oh Gyp DeCarlo. Oh Gyp. Oh Gyp. OH GYP!!!! Who Gyp? He’s some gangster guy played by Christopher Walken, who solves everyone’s problems, like the ‘problems’ the Four Seasons encounter. These problems? That the band’s founder Tommy DeVito is bad with money, and that the guy who plays him – Vincent Piazza – may be bad at acting. Or maybe Tommy DeVito IS an actual walking Italian-Jersey stereotype and Vincent Piazza is playing him perfectly. But who cares, cause the whole thing’s cheesy, so Jimmy, give me a pizza wit NUTTIN

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Verdictgo: both Jeepers Worth A Creepers

The Boys – Get On Up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

overdue review doo-doos

Arbitrage
Money Always Sleeps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 107 min

Richard Gere got himself some balls.  He’s married to the hottest old woman ever (Susan Sarandon), but thinks shacking up with some ugly art chick is time better spent.  Well it ends up biting him in the a$$ cause he kills his mistress in a car accident, flees the scene, and to make matters worse, he’s basically Bernie Madoff, and his daughter’s (Brit Marling) on to him, and so is police guy Tim Roth!!!!!!!!  WHAT TO DO???!!!!!  This conventional movie feels so 80s, but it works in the 2010s!  And Graydon Carter is in it briefly and he has best supporting hair of the year!!

Trouble With The Curve
Pitch/Bitch Count
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

Clint Eastwood is so old, and so mad.  He’s losing his sight so he kicks tables and treats people like garbage, but he’s a baseball scout and he wants to keep being one, but HE’S LOSING HIS SIGHT!!!  Luckily his daughter Amy Adams cares about him even though she thinks he doesn’t care about her (BUT MAYBE HE DOES!), so she drops everything to help him be angry at stuff, and scout a fat baseball player (Joe Massingill), who’s also being scouted by Justin Timberlake, a former player he scouted, but now he’s a scout, with dreams of being an announcer, but if this is any indication, he might as well stick with his day job.  This movie is pure cheezy garbage, and we loved every minute of it + any movie where Matthew Lillard is yer bad guy and is NOT murdering anyone, you know you’ve got something!!!  GET YER CURVE ON!!

Dredd
Urban Dwellers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

Never saw the Sly Stallone Judge Dredd cause Sly Stallone sucks, but Karl Urban doesn’t, cause he roxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!!!!  Cause Karl Urban is the f$%king man!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And cause of him and his scowl, this movie kinda roxxxxxx!!!  Sure, the flick takes place all in one day, and mainly in one place, which isn’t a favorite movie thing of mine, but there are explosions, and drugs and Olivia Thirlby also kicking a$$$$ and Lena Headey being all skanky tuff and stuff!!!!  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: all three Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three are still barely playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…