Thighs Wide Shut

[rsgsgguskind]
For butter or for wurst, Coney Island is changing. Astroland opened its amusement park for it’s last season ever yesterday, before some jerko co named Thor Equities turns it and a bunch of other bits of the CI into a year round Times Square on the Beach, complete with hotels, condos, and other things mondo (be sure to czech out these banana plans for redevelopment here). However, the famed and muss ride before you die coaster The Cyclone will live on. Same goes for the Wonder Wheel, although who knows what will become of the rest of Deno’s park, Shoot The Freak, or the horrid eateries that reside on the boardwalk. Some shiz is already gone. I almost cried AND died when I saw this

[classsssicgirrrrl]
Since the future’s picture is so darn cloudy, I’m having a hard time forming an opinion. Like Michael Scott, I see this as a lose/lose, win/lose, compromise, win/win, and win/win/win [from episode ‘Conflict Resolution’ + vid bonus]. Boviously, when old things get torn down, and bits of history become history, it can’t be a good thing. However, lettuce be honest here folks, it’s not like all of these spots are worth saving. Coney Island has been kickin it as a destination for fun since the mid to late 1800s (that’s 19th century for you history buffs!), and hit it’s peak in the ’40s

But most of that ancient goodness has already disappeared. The things most worth saving are still and will be around for generations to come. And besides the Wonder Wheel & the Cyclone, every other ride is a bunch of unfun crap from the 60s on. While Astroland’s dumpiness certainly adds ‘charm’ to the area, I can’t say that I’ll really miss it when it’s gone. Then again, who knows what they’ll be replacing it with, but I hope for the best, as I prepare for the wurst. So before anything drastically changes for good, I’ll be Coney Island/Stillwell Avenue bound and gagged as many times as times allow. See you there for the Nathan’s diarrhea, the world’s bestest coaster, or maybe even for the sloppiest-jaloopiest boobies!

Stay on top of the hot CI action by czeching out Save Coney Island• & Kinetic Carnival early and often!

We here at Thighs are sick of terrorists and people who love pita and hate Jews. Why do you hate Jews? Is it cause Jews control the Israeli media? Is it cause Rob Cohen makes the wurstest movies of balls thymes? Is it cause we’re secretly keeping the band Beirut from becoming bigger than Fall Out Boy, whomever the fork they are? ENUFF. All we want is peace and a piece of Sasha Cohen’s a$$, and to be hunted down by only one man, Borat [Guns N Rosenthal]. Since the UN, and the US, and the president of UTZ have been dilly-dallying and eating Dilly Bars instead of taking action on this whole Middle East thang that has escalated more than the wooden escalators at Macy’s, I’ve secretly dispatched a mos special envoy to the region to save the day. Wish our boys luck. And boys, don’t spend all yer per diem money on shawarma and 3 shekel whores

U.N. Orders Wonka To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections

related: woman foiled by Onion article or was she?

SLOP THE PRESSES: Kate Bosworth Has Two Different Colored Eyes

Falkor’s sis slips nip [Barely NSFW]

Enuff of this is Lily Allen hot or not crap, cause there are more pressin hot or notnesseses to decide, like animated Elenaor [VID] or real Elenaor, who isn’t all that animated

You’d think carpetbagger Navratilova would be encouraging female moaning

t.A.T.u. hearts tacos

CNBC hearts seafood

Mike Bossy hearts Canadian chips

Smokey Robinson hearts soul in a bowl

the mos genius thing Chevy Chase has uddered in over a decade

Blair Warner beats kids [Per Rez]

name NY’s new lacrosse team. My suggestion was The New York Peppermint Patties

list of problems solved by MacGyver + Young MacGyver? [last via Pakula Shaker]

not coming soon to a theater near spew: Jennifer Ellison On A Plane

peace the fork out to Guy Haines’ sluty wife Miriam, who was 1/2 of Bruno’s victims in his diabolical criss-cross plan, as seen in Hitchcock’s finest work (not counting Psycho) Strangers On A Train

[1925 – 2006]
and a belated p.t.f.o. to Fabián Bielinsky, director of the thumbcredible Nine Queens

The Top 30 Game Show Hosts of All Time

Bird’s Eye View of Famous Homes

Star Wars helmets [Sea Hear]

Espacios publicitarios [Faddle Fiddle]

free passes to what will end up being the wurstest flick of the summer

another bag [Binkster]

World’s Longest Hot Dog

I Was Assaulted By This Man Who Identified Himself as a Police Officer and Refused to Provide Me Identification, Photography is Not a Crime

Fiddle Kids

Cats that look like Hitler

Muffs that look like Hitler [NSFW]

Pink Is The New Stupid [Pink Is The New Blog]

Bee Dogs [Popbitch]

a monkey playing Ms. Pacman

Egypt’s defunct Fantazy Land

no comment

and better keeps on getting butterer…

+ 2 Office webisodes for you gooing measure

+ the news of the OG UK crew cameoinging on season 3, sans Ricky G, who’s probably too busy conjuring up more Extras bordem

+ wam, bam, thank you Pam, and Puma, for these snorkin hot snaps from what who i did all this weekend!

[JJ]
and yeah, I think I was at the Siren Festival on Saturday, or something, although I only listened to 15 minutes of music for the 6+ hours my cru and I were damaging our bodies, in this particular order:
deep throated corn dog
finger banged bacon-cheesed out fries
slurppped giant a$$rsed beer like it was yer pa’s giant cock
rode the cyclone like i did yer mom the night before
rode the wonder wheel
got high on wonder wheel
wondered why wheel stopped
must be high
i wondered
it rained
asked spook-a-rama ride operator if ride was spooky
he shrugged his shoulders
rode it anways
wurstest ride of balls time
rain continued
skeed skeeball like we were skee-lo skeeting on mischa
cashed out our tix for hawt prizes
got meself a hawt american flag pin
i love america
another round of beers
got our freak on
by shooting the freak
things gettin quite beerlarious
acted like steve carlton fisk
and hit up the batting cages
fought the pitching machine
after it called my mother names
i headbutted it
it beaned me with a ball
i beaned your mother with a ball
she had a boston tea bagging party with my balls
waited in a hugemungos line
for some of dat fame-yes totonno’s za
shit was taking forever
so we ordered it takeout
via cell phone from the street
gawd bless america
and techmology
they told us it was gonna take 1/2 hour
wasted time
by going to crazy russian liquor sto across the street
they had crazy russian liquor
like crazy tetris vodka
and crazy nesting egg vodka
and crazy yakov smirnoff vodka
and one named after every russian territory
from the 80s version of risk
settled on jack
probably not the breastest idea
inhaled pizza in zeria
i hugged every person who works there
even the guy touching the dough
he left dough dust on my clothes
they loves me
i loves them more
cyclone, one last time
note to self
always ride cyclone drunk
hippie danced to scissor sisters for 15 minutes tops
wait, there’s a music festival nick goings on today?
car service back to civilization
feeling hella nauseous
must hold in the urge to purge
holding
sweating
odd looks
and “are you ok?”s from fellow passengers
“don’t talk to me”, i tell myself
although i’m telling that to them
but they can’t hear me
cause i’m talking to myself
anywho
made it back in what seemed like 283487932 minutes
yaked like pro
i may turn pro at the end of this season
passed the fork out
awokened up by gaius julius caesar on hbo’s rome
rinse
repeat

coney island is my mos flavorite thing about NYC
seriously, next banging your mother in the gowanus tunnel

Whilst some had
the BREASTest week mt everest

Others had the longest
yard stick in their pants
weekend known to man

including, but not limited to, such hotness as…

Running into the bossman
who looks kinda like
Jeremy Irons
with peppered hair

that sent me into
(f)unemployment

Riding Trent’s coattails
and
eating him out
eating out
@ McHale’s

which is peacing the fork out
January 1st, 2006

Taking in the overrateness
and awful teenage
sideburnededness
of
A History of Violence

[review 4th cummin]

Munching on Cousin Dan’s
muffalicious muffalettas
(not to be confused with
yer mother’s tatas
or
Joe E Tata)
and den
pub crawling our way
into the biggest collection
of Spartans fans east of East Lansing

Sipping on Capri Suns
[check out THIS CS purse!]
while watching things that are
as boring as Beck’s Sea Change

like MEN HITTING EACH OTHER!
(secretly gay thing that
all men like, cept me)

Watching del Skins go
3-0

in an decade devoid of
Joe Jacoby Theatervision commercials

And finished it all off
in Coney Island with

Nathan’s
bacon cheese
diarrhea
in a box

And rawkin out to Beck
despite the fact that
his peeps be
hawkin stress tests
and his mysterious favorin’ of
Snooze Change
over
Bestations

So who’s ready to have the breastest week ever,
rosh the casbah,
and party like it’s
5766
????

GWBushwick?

1938 – 2005 | 1927 – 2005
• More eggciting info has been dropped for that Coney/Staten Island music thingie in Rocktober

• Cpt Zzzzzz happy to be a part of the 21st century

• FRANZ FERDINAND BURY FARTING FEUD

• Charlotte Church’s boobs get people canned, but how can I get her boobs on my can?

• The NCAA hates Indians

• When did Princess Leia become the Prime Minister of the Ukraine? [via Johnny $]

• Scarlett Johansson is forking Jewish?!?!@?! I’m going to save her a seat at my next Seder and give her a lil shank bone love.

• I can’t bee leave my Subway Sub Club membership is going to be revoked

• What’s the difference between e.g. and i.e.?

• Wanna make yer baby look really stoopid? Go ahead, no one’s stopping you

• Crates & Barrels, in videogames

• Bid on one unscratched McDonald’s Dick Tracy Crimestopper’s Game

• StuffOnMyCat.com

• TWS.org, your #5 search result for ‘men tea bagging pictures‘

• I almost thought my head was going to explode on Saturday. Why? Well, me and Chillary G have been playing O.C season 1 catch up and dared to watch 7 episodes in a span of 7 + hours (we took a break for dinner). Yep, 315 minutes filled with more or less the same melodramas being repeated over and over. How many times is Ryan not going to express his feelings to Marissa only to have her get upset at him and then not want to be with him only to want to be with him later on, but then he no longer wants to be with her? And why do they have to get rid of good characters all the time? Luke is effin the man and if Seth Cohen doesn’t want to I’d sure love to strongshlong Samaire Armstrong (who looks so much more fab with long hair). I juss can’t bee leave I missed that season when I first aired. I’ve been hitting myself in the head like Oliver ever since.

• And you can have the Jeff Garcia lookin one cause I got dibs on the short on dude with the hairy arms and back!

[via BBB via Gulf of Sonkin]

• What is one grape documentary you know nothing about, and who is one grape artist I wish I knew everything about after giving peepage to the aforementioned doc? In The Realms of the Unreal, which chronicles the life of uber-reclusive uber-imaginative Henry Darger, and his 12-volume, 15,145-PAGE novel that goes by the name The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is Known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnian War Storm, as caused by the Child Slave Rebellion, which includes oodles of wondrous paintings, some 10 foot long. It’s like Yellow Submarine meets D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths meets crack meets Gene-by-gene-YES!!! I won’t go in to details cause I want you to eggspeareance the magic 1st hand, but the doc has juss been released on DVD and is co-narrated by MY PRECIOUS Dakota Fanning, so make our family proud and see the damn thang!

• King Kong: THE TRAILER. Need I say mas? [via Double Yer Pleasure, Double Yer Viking]

• Piglet joins Tigger in PTFOland. The year of Pooh is qwikly turning into the year of boo.

• Rumor has it that Air are working on the soundtrack to Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette flick. If this turns out like the last partnership (Virgin Suicides sdtrk), I’ll be oui ouing in my pants for the next few years. What, you haven’t heard the werd? Well werd up, with a werdless ditty, and d-lode their s’wonderful ‘Dead Bodies‘ off said sdtrk.

• Coldplay AND Basement Jaxx both pay tribute to Kylie at Glasto by covering ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’. I wonder whose version was better? I dunno, cause I heard everyone was too busy napping during Coldplay’s set.

• Pixie & Peaches Geldof, and myself are going to have our own international event this weekend, while daddy runs his. We call it Live8MeOut.

• Jimmy Chamberlin either needs smack money or lunch money

• Anyone else catch Julie Brown (not the downtown one) on this past week’s Six Feet Under?

• Who’s a Towson University grad, openly awesome, and openly gay? Lionel Luther [via Pakula Shaker]

• Gang of Four set to re-record their classics for a new album, and only be-cause I still don’t know who the fork they are or have heard one song they sing.

• ‘I don’t think I’ve ever missed a deadline; I think it would make me physically ill.‘

• This week’s sign that society is over: The first two innings of an actual minor league baseball game in July will be played by two guys on Xbox [via News del Weird]

• I haven’t had a thought (dirty or clean) about Elle MacPherson in four score and seven ages ago. That was until I read that she and her partner Arpad ‘Arkie’ Busson have gone splittsville after 8 years. So know that I’m forced to come up with thoughts, I came up with 2. First: I don’t care if she took a dump on you daily, if yer Elle’s man, you do whatever it takes to keep that shiz in yer life for good. Second: that ’88 SI cover you see to yer right is the last time I cared about their swimsuit issue (this semi-NSFW pic should refresh your jizz). I could never take them serious again after they let Kathy Ireland grace the following year’s cover. Look, I know she’s dope, but she doesn’t do it for me AND she co-starred in a movie with Scott Bakula and Sinbad that was, well, bad. Sure, they let her stand atop Eireland and Rod Stewart’s ole landing strip in ’94, but it was all too late to john woo me back. I had seen the light and moved on. I think some people call it porno.

• What’s very NOT SAFE FOR WORK and is having a dildo thrust upon her? Eve [via Shady H Acres]

• What do you get when you cross the flabbyamyamness of the Mermaid Parade with the eye of the Cobra Snake? This [via Sophie’s Choy]

• Udo Kier is…

• I think Korean kids hate Japan [via Korean BBQard]

• cakes

• The TRUTH About ‘Belgium’ [via MonkeyMan]

• Face Transformer and Face ANALyser [via Cruisepanko]

• Malls of America, when times were simpler and more bootleg…. just how we liked em [via CityRagDoll]

• An alarm clock that wakes you up with the smell and sizzle of cooking bacon

• ROGER MOORE’S FANTABULOUS EYEBROWS [beware of audio via MetaPhil]

• And in clothing, what’s the wurstest kind of porn that isn’t even real porn since animated porn [NSFW]? Girls with cars, stuck, in all kinds of nasty road conditions… like grass, ice, sand, snow, and that dreaded mud. And where can one feed this addiction of girl with cars stuckedness? Why, CarsStickGirls.com duhvs course! You have to czech out each of the sample videos [kinda NSFW]. You wouldn’t bee leave how whoreibblee thumcredible these clips are. The only person it could possible turn on is Daredevil wearing a blindfold! Although I will admit that one bit with a girl in the mud gave me wicked boner flashbacks to when I first saw John Candy wrastle chicks in Stripes. [via Levitticus Finch]