Thighs Wide Shut

• Q: What’s hottier than being a photographer who gets paid to shoot at Sharapova’s lower half (as seen on your left)? A: My tomato red face and neck after schlepping round newly married el Hofbergo thru three boroughs from sunup til sundown this past Saturday. The day started with a jaunt to Coney Island, for some Cyclone action, batting cages hits and misses, Nathan’s diarrhea-inudicng-bacon-cheese fries, and to see what all this Mermaid Parade hubbub was all about. Fitting that this year’s king was Buster Poindexter, cause sh%t was more hot than Pat O’Brien singing ‘Hot, Hot, Hot‘. And by hot, I’m talking about the weather, and not what turned out to be one of the most pointless parades I’ve ever attended. And like most parades that don’t feature Shriners in go-karts, there were plenty of titties grossier than Tara Reid’s and more reasons why nearly nekkid men are never a good thing to be near [for full pictorial, see end of this mammoth paragraph]. After being blinded by all of dem flabby yammy yam-yams and being turned into a raisinet in the sun, it was thyme to ride the N train from its starting point to its second to last stop in Astoria, Queens. What could be worth taking a train that long if you aren’t a member of The Warriors? The not-so-best-kept secret in all of NYC: The Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden. A couple o’ $12 pitchers of Spatan, kielbasas, and cup cakes from someone’s baby shower later, I was ready to throw up on myself, but remembered that I would rather my skin be ruby red than Oompa-Loompa-Lohan-orange. Later we shuffled off to the Bowery B-bestroom, via a few Hades Sweatfest ’05 Subway Platforms, to czech out the not so-feisty Feist. Her gentle jams and sweet Beth Ortonesque voice made for the least rockiniest show I’ve seen at the Bowery, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes Thigh Master needs to take a break from all this re-tread British music and sway to slower sounds, like that of Natalie Merchant, Edie Brickell, Mazzy Star, et al. Anywhom Feist is great music to have on in the background. Maybe while doing your taxes, fixing dinner, or banging your spouse. Note to record execs: if she ever started a fan club, you have to call it Feist Club. You figure out with the first rule is, cause I juss come up with the puntastic concepts. It was late, and my thighs were hurting from all the Mary chafing Carpenter. We quickly puffed some apple tabac at the Ruby Lounge, shoved some Rosario’s pizza pie down our pie holes, and returned to Thighland, so we could tuck in my dearest adopted Van Dame, Dakota Fanning, into bed for the evening. I was so spankin outive it that Dakota Fanbelt should tucked my a$$ to bed. Oddly enuff, Dakota didn’t want to come with us to Coney Isle cause she said it could never compare to the time she spent there with her annoying nanny.

• Slappy B-day to the first product with a bar code, a 10-pack of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit chewing gum, that was scanned at a check-out counter, at a Marsh supermarket in Troy, Ohio. In honor of this special day, d-lode: ‘Chewing Gum‘ by Annie

• Want more lodes in yer lobes? Taste Keane tacklin’ of U2’s ‘With or Without You’ [not a direct d-lode], Paul Van Dyk’s’Nothing But You‘, Faithless’eses ‘Insomnia‘ and a remix of Travis’ ‘Re-Offender‘ [via Fakor]

• Spicoli to play the Joker?

• Looking for Lohag? Head to St. Paul. Looking for Cuthbest? Head to Moscow. Looking for Mr Goodbar? Click here.

• Wanna see under the radar uber-hottie Rosamund Pike nude? Too late, cause that era has cum and gone. But you can look at these snaps of her pretending to bang Remington Steele!

• The trailer for Episode III that Lucas didn’t want you to see… complete with all the cut Jar Jar dialog bits. [via FlakMag]

• Girl I want: Girl In The Cafe

• Bionic Man Moves Artificial Arm With Brain, wit pics AND vid! [via Cruisespanko]

• Sometimes I wish I was an adult small

• Oldies but yummies: Fractured GI Joe PSAs

• Those aren’t two pillows… they’re Sharapova Breast Pillows?!?!?!? [much WTFness via H-Listing]

• And whilst me and the delegates of the Continental Thighness are more busy than Philipps deciding on the IIIrd Her Royal (cept we can never get anything done cause Sio keeps saying that everything’s an ‘invasion’), I’ve let Dakotapaint play with some of my old mos flavorite toys. She didn’t shine to my Lite Brite, Presto Magix, or Shrinky Dinks, but seemed to dig my Playmobil pals. I knew she was the best living female actress on planet girth, but who knew she had such great taste? Too bad parents today need to take out a 2nd mortgage on their homes just to pay for these very eggceptional and very eggspensive toys. Bi they gay, here’s another good place for Playmobil memories.

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• Me thinks me teachers (pre-school thru IU) were on to something when the forced me to read books. I was never much of a reader (all free time was reserved for Nintendo, bags of Utz, and masuerbatin), and most of the time, the assignments were tres torturous (Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and the mc-bane of my eggsistance, Johnny Tremain), but there were always dustin diamonds in the rough. For had it not been for them and their curriculums, Orwell’s 1984 and Ellison’s Invisible Man (which I 1st thought was about a professor turning himself invisible) may have never graced my list of all thyme besteteses bookages (next to Sendak’s Chicken Soup with Rice). Once the edu-ma-cation ended, I was left to my own (sexual torture) devices to figure out what kind of books I would be reading for the rest of my daze. After a few missteps, I’ve finally fingered out what words whet my eyeballs: books that became great movies, anything about a future dystopian society, and Kurt Vonnegut(witcha). Everything else I’ve peeped in between has been decent, but nothing too memorable. That is until, duhvs course, I read John Kennedy Toole’s UNRELIEVABLE novel to end all novels, A Confederacy of Dunces. I’m no literary textpert folks, but I’d say if you dig the alienation of Salinger and whimsy of Vonnegut, you’ll find yerself in good hands here with Toole’s prose. If I had a pen on me whilst turning the pages, I probably would have written ‘LOL’ all over my body 14 times over. Our protagonist and savior of the 20th century, Ignatius J Reilly was rated the 17th bestest character in fiction, but in my humble mumbler opinion, the brother is #1. Maybe cause I see a lot of myself in him. Cept I change my bedsheets and I’d never read philosophy. So if you haven’t had the pleasure of thumbing thru the pages, I’m truly, madly, deeply jealous of you. I wish I could read it again for the 1st time, but without some shock-therapy and a time machine, this is more of an impossibility than Oprah going off the air. My only wish is that they never make ‘an abortion’ of a movie from this fine work. I juss wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my newfoundland love for something that culminates with the final word ‘mustache’. Effin brills.

• White Stripes, as eggspected, expanded their upcoming tour. They, along with the Shins & Brendan Benson, will hit up Coney Island’s killer Cyclone Park on Zeptember 24 & 25. Which puts me in a pickle: dem shows or Austin City Limits? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but like Pops, gotta have my Stripes.

• The shark has been jumped, EW has a blog. Please head for the shores.

• Supergrass will drop their 5th joint, Road to Rouen, this August. While we wait, here’s a nifty Micky Quinn ani gif.

• A Da Vinci masterpiece once was lost, but now it’s found. [via Synapage]

• Eleanor’s dog once was lost, but now he’s found.

• If Jason Mulgrew is the most eligible bachelor in the blogosphere, what does that make me?

• Lohag sports the ‘Hungry Like A Wolf’ look for her b-day party.

• Lodes of free summer flicks for Bostonians

• I can’t decide who’d I rather bone

• What’s that flying from Paris’ pants?

• Michael Jackson’s trail woulda been a lot cooler if it ended like this

• Always late to the party, but anywho: watch Tom Cruise get jizzed on [totally SFW]

• But did u know that Tom killed Oprah? [b-ware of sound]

• Batman peoples, if you ever think of including Harley Quinn in a future flick, may I recommend Ms. Bellucci and her two amici…

• What is wrong with you Steve Hartman?

• Keith Haring’s Pop Shop to close this September? Coney Island turning into Corny Island? What?!?! Girlhattan, thanks for ruining my pre-Passover eggstaticnessness.

• Their kids would be so boring, fugly, and have deeper voices than James Earl Jones speaking into a funnel. Maybe they can play with Dr & Mrs Zzzzz‘s future kidszzz.

• Not so ‘Good Vibrations‘. Where’s the Mike Love?

• How’d I miss the fact that Chunk attended Lebowski Fest LA (see 6th pic down)? And what’s all this 7/23 nonsense?

• Will the Hansons be the next Nelsons?

• When did Mischa go and get a ‘© Fox’ tattoo?

• Hey James Stanford, thanks for the apology, but yer still a cockmuffin and 3/4. I was honored to be your third target of yer pointless character assassinations, but you boviously didn’t do your research forkface. Sure, I may write like 3rd grader and in a huge point size, but that’s what the people (don’t) pay to read. Plus it’s Cuthbest I fancy the mostest, not Kirsten Dunst, you Dunstcap. I also found it rather comical that his apology email came from the following email address. You stinkin PoopHEAD!!! May you eat watermelons in hell with Hitler.

• How could anyone pass up the op to buy the new Weezer disc for $4.99??

• Is it me or does this Katie Holmes nip slip pic smell fishy to you?

• Why Pt II

• Two gems from the Mask: Abe Vigoda Status & NWA’s Straight Outta Compton, with nuttin but cuzz words!

• Qatar to Replace Camel Riders with Robots AND Police in Arizona Seek Monkey for SWAT Team??? If any of yous Hollyword peeps are reading this, lettuce make the world’s greatest script combining both of those stories, add some sorta giraffe sub plot, cast myself, Daniel-Day Lewis & HRT the II, and WHAM-o, Box Office Cash Cow!! [via Mr Thought & Pure Boy]

• [Peas Note: I know nothing of politics, cept that I love a good parade AND free buttons!] All hail Mayor Mikey Bloomberg!! What, you a hater? How could be raggin on my man who green-lit the Gates AND be close to gettin us AN NFeffinL STADIUM, a Super Bowl, AND the Oryimpics!?!! And who cares if he controls the media? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Now if only we can get him to love the gays, then he’d be my most favorite person Mt Everest next to Billy Zabka. And who would you rather have in hizoooner’s place? Franz Forking Fernando Ferrer? Mark my slurs: You should never trust a man with a mustache. Hispecially one who has a blog that leo getz less comments than I’s! Or maybe, au jus maybe, FFFF should hire ME to be his publicity manager and pep up his boring-arsed campaign! Juss think of the pastabilititities…

• Smoking Gun’s gots Jeff Weise’s ‘Target Practice’ cartoon. Eerie, Indiana Minnesota.

• Thighs, it’s not what you think [via Typo]

• A third Gorillaz LP not far behind??? If Damon put together an album of farts and me screaming about how bad microwaved tuna fish smells, it would still be gene by genius. [via The Blower of Maple Leafs]

• Gotta love the Drunken Stepdaddy: Dunstin’s Nips check in & Pam in saran

• What’s scarier than this cat that looks like a shriveled penis? I dunno, but dis comes close: Billy Corgan and Robert Smith dueting The Bee Gee’s ‘To Love Somebody’.

• Is this considered news in Engrland? I guess that’s why they call London, the new New York!

• NYers, Bostoners, DCists, and Chipeoples, you can all see the Donnie Darko Director’s Cut fo free! BONUS for NYCers: suffer for FREE thru Fever Pitch!

• Own yer own Gestapo Soup Shop or Scott and Laci Peterson’s former restaurant. [via Made of Brawny]

• I’ve got you covered [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Napoleon Dynamite Numa Numa Dance

• A bunch of Asian boobie animated gifs [NSFW Junk via UselessJunk]

• The Longest Bird Penis Ever [via WTF Peeps]

• I’m being Xtreme-lee liz-azy this morn and didn’t plan on any April Foolishness Elliot Ness-ness. Boo is me. Maybe I’ve been too busy being a fool in love (Frankie Lymon stizzle stick stee-lo style) with this 2/3 NSFW clip of Cuthbert getting some in the back seat of a car to the sweet sounds of David Gray, or this pic of her punching herself…

On behalf of the breastest city named after a state, we all want to wish a berry merry 100th B-day to you Mr NYC Subway!! For on October 27, 1904, New York City’s firstestest official subway system opened in Mannyhattan. The Interborough Rapid Transit Company (IRT) operated the 9.1-mile long subway line that consisted of 28 stations from City Hall to 145th Street & B-way.

– There are 468 subway stations. That’s only 35 fewer stations than the combined total of all other subway systems in the country!!

– The longest ride with no change of trains is the trip from 207th Street in Manhattan to Far Rockaway in Queens (more than 31 miles). The longest with a transfer is the train from 241st Street in the Bronx, with a transfer to the Far Rockaway-bound Train (more than 38 miles).

– 4.5 million peeps ride dat train on an average weekday and about 1.4 billion do a year! That makes the NYC zissystem tied with Mexico City for 4th on Highest Annual Ridership list. Moscow tops the list at 3.3 bills, followed by Tokyo with 2.6 and Seoul with 2.2.

– The highest station is Smith/9 St in Brooklyn, measuring 88 feet above street level. The lowest station resides at 191 St in Manhattan, rocking 180 feet below street level.

El Master o’ Thighs

1st Annual

Subie Subway

– Worstestest Line In The Whole Dang Thang: 4/5/6. The trains never some come and the service always seems to be kaput on weekends.

– Stops Worth Stoppinging For: Union Sq (4/5/6/N/R/W/Q/L), South Ferry (1/9), Coney Island-Stillwell (D/F/Q), 161 Street-Yankee Stadium (B/D/4), and Christopher St (1/9).

– Mostest Recockulus Transfer Point: Taking the F to Broadway-Lafayette Street and having to walk a couple o blocks AND pay again just to take the 6 uptown.

– Finestest Dumbestest Thing That I Find Really Amusing: How at some stations, ‘SUBWAY’ is spelt ‘SVBWAY’.

– Biggest Waste of a Stop: 18th St on the 1/9. Isn’t having a stop at 14th and 23rd enuff?

– The Has Anyone Ever Rode This Line Award: J/M/Z

– Greatestist Subway Oriented Movie: The Warriors. Peas view this trailer. The Baseball Fury gang scared the living daylights & octopussy outta me when I was a wee lad. Maybe that’s where my udder disdain for the Yankees and clowns began.

– Greatestist Subway Oriented Documentary: Style Wars.

– Mos Fabuloususeous Website Dedicated Subways of Yore: Forgotten NY

– You Know You’re Lostest When: You’re riding the G train.

– Only Bathroom I’ve Ever Useded At A Station & Live To Tell About It: West 4th

– Mos Umcrediblistic Public Transportation Other Than The NYC Subway: London’s Underground

– People Watchingistest Train: The L-boogie heading into Billy’sburg. Duhvs!

– Swamp A$$ Award For Most Moltenest Station At 2am In The Summer: Lower East Side – 2nd Ave (F)

– If This Platform Can Be Friggin Air Conditioneded, Why Can’t They All Be: 42nd St – Grand Central (4/5/6)

– Slammeniest Subway Song: ‘My My Metrocard’ by Le Tigre

– Biggestest Subway Celeb: The I Have No Legs guy from Kids

– The Last Place I’d Sleep If I Were A Bum: Transfer tunnel between Port Authority and Times Square

– Thriftyiestest Deal On A Train: 2 AA batteries for a buck.

– Strangers With Candy: Any kid selling M&Ms for his high school’s basketball team. But the real question is, if these kids go to school, why are they riding the trains at 11am?

– Startingist Five of The All Name Team: Rector St (N/W or 1/9), Livonia Ave (L), Van Siclen Ave (J/Z, A/C, or 3), Zerega Avenue (6), and o’ course, good ole Hoyt St-Schermerhorn St(A/C/G). Honorable mentions: Dyckman St and Inwood-207 St (both on A)

And finally…

– The Tastiest & Mos Awfulistic Sangwhiches At Subway: Being a former Sangwhich Artist myself, I have a lot of eggspertease in this area. Tastiest? The BMT, no diggty/doubt. I mean the initials BMT could represent the Brooklyn-Manhattan Transit Corporation, but secretly it’s Bigger Meatier Tastier. Don’t tell Subway HQ I told you this or they’ll cut of my johnson! Mos Awfulistic? Tunafish, microwaved on high for 90 seconds.