Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Poe Man’s Star Wars?
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 155 min

There is 1/3rd of Star Wars: The Last Jedi that works – the return of Luke (Mark Hamill, you bearded ham you!), the further innocence and awesomeness of Rey (who doesn’t feel for or want to feel Daisy Ridley?), and the sneering badness of Kylo Ren (Adam Driver, such a little bitch, but such a PERFECT little bitch).  I dug on that Jedi stuff.  Juss that Jedi stuff alone could have made for a thrilling 1 hr 45 minute movie.  BUT, the galaxy always has room for more, More, MORE, and the powers that be feel the need to shove in things that aren’t necessary, or even make sense in the realm of Star Wars, or just plain don’t work.  Here they are.  Splain and imple!  If there are spoilers below, you be spoiled…

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I’m sorry, but I don’t give 9 fcuks about newbie Rose.  She’s the equivalent of a human Ewok, cept that Ewoks are something I’m going to love and remember until I die.  If you don’t think Ewoks are awesome, go screw.  Look, I’m all for equality and having Asian characters, but Rose wilts.  Roses may be red, but I violently say BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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And you know who would make a better female player than Rose?  Princess Leia’s real life daughter Billie Lourd, who rightfully gets more screentime in VIII, but they could have done even MORE with her… like make her Princess Leia’s real daughter in the movie!!  SHE’S ROYALTY, IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD!  WORD!!

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Poe Dameron is STILL a dumb and terrible name.  The name ‘Snoke’ is worser, but Snoke the character is even worsererer than the name.  He’s bullsh!t Voldemort.  He’s also bullsh!t in general.  He’s also not menacing, not interesting, not important, and nothing I care to ever remember going forward in my life.  In Jedi, he breaks free of his hologram form, but I wish they put the genie back in the bottle, and then threw away the bottle.  I mean, he looks so So SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb.  When they were creating him, did no one on set or in the CGI office be like – hey, Snoke looks pretty dumb.  I mean, he’s not even as crazy/sexy/gross as that dude in RoboCop who gets doused in toxic waste.  MAKE THAT GUY OUR SUPREME LEADER ANY DAY!!!  

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The First Order red guards were cool, but their uniforms look out of place, and a bit familiar – like a cross between Dracula’s armor and whatever this was from this Star Trek: Next Gen ep I’ve never seen

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speaking of fashion, seriously, what’s up with these Imperial hats?  NICE WING TIPS!!!

NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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our heroes need to find a mysterious code-breaker who is also a gambler.  I know just the guy!  I got so jazzed that this person was going to be Lando… until they decided to NOT bring back Lando and instead bring in Fred Fenster from The Usual Suspects, who was OK, but he wasn’t Lando. Seriously, WTF do we have to do to get Lando back in movies??  If you combined Poe, Finn, Rose and a zillion other pointless newcomers together – they’d still be 939123938228844848 zillion points less cool than Lando is.  LANDO MAKES THINGS HAPPEN.  LANDO IS COOL AS SH!T.  #FreeLando

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look, I’m all for humor in Star Wars, but there’s a little TOO much humor going on in Last Jedi.  But if you ever wanted to see the funniest Star Wars movie ever, well, now it exists!  But c’mon guys, we all love blue milk jokes, but ones with quad-nipples?????  THIS ISN’T MY STAR WARS!!!  MY STAR WARS DOESN’T HAVE QUAD-NIPPLES!!!!

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again, I’m all for equality, but how pointless are the female characters Captain Phasma or whoever Laura Dern’s purple people eater is???  Leia/Carrie is great, but they don’t give her much to do… until they decide that she can fly in space.  WTF???????????????????????

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oh, and remember how incredible the literal CLIFF hanging ending of Force Awakens was?  well, Last Jedi easily has THE very würstest ending of a Star Wars movie ever.  it boarders on this kinda prequel awfulness…

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and finally, it muss be said – Maz Kanata is more offensive to me than Jar Jar Binks is.  Jar Jar is suppose to be stupid.  Maz is supposed to be wise, but is juss stupid.  QUIT THE STUPID STUFF STAR WARS.  Stick to the stuff that works – Jedis and Lando

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Verdictgo:  jury is still out in my brain, so for now…  inconclusive 

Jedi aint the last anything, at a theater near jews and white nationalists…

Han Solo Hands Things to Rey

Han Solo Hands Things to Rey

Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Here We Go Again
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 135 min

Now is not the time for a full review and dissection of the 7th Star Wars movie ever put into existence.  Today is for initial thoughts only, and so here we go – my initial thoughts of Episode VII – The Force Awakens

• this movie won’t change your life.  it won’t surpass your love of IV thru VI, BUT it succeeds where Indiana Jones IV failed
• it’s better than anything the prequels were. it’s less cluttered, CGI-y, pretty, cute, kidsy, dumb. it’s grimy and dark and evil, as it should be
• George Lucas could have never made a satisfying Episode VII.  I truly believe it would have looked like this.  poor Lucas – he tarnished his own legacy, but without him, we’d have nothing to complain about, or love.  but kudos for him for letting go and letting someone else give it a go
• only JJ Abrams could have made a new Star Wars movie work, and let us all move forward in the Star Wars world in this day and age.  he could probably make Citizen Kane 2 something passable.  looking forward to seeing what others can do with Star Wars.  we shall see, but probably we’ll see way too much Star Wars in the decades to come
• the movie is funny, in a good way.  has a lot more fun with itself than previous installments, while remaining very serious
• the new characters are awesome (even though I guessed them all wrong).  I LOVE Rey.  like, SUPER LOVE REY!!! Dog bless Daisy Ridley. I LOVE Finn.  He’s great.  Didn’t get too much of a handle on Poe Dameron, but he will probably be super cool in due time, but hey, aren’t these three newbies juss assuming the same roles that others had in IV – VI????
• Adam Driver was really really really good, and angry.  anger is what Star Wars needs. there was anger in the prequels, but it was dumb anger
• it was AMAZING to see our old favs – Han, Chewie, Leia and a guy who looked like Admiral Ackbar.  it’s kinda sad to see how old our heroes have become – on screen and in life, but I’ll take this over not seeing them at all
• this guy/girl/whatever wasn’t as awful as I thought he/she/it would have been
• I know he’s JJ’s pal and all, but Greg Grunberg doesn’t deserve to be in this movie (unless he happens to be the kin of Jek Porkins)
• the only thing I HATED was that Lord Voldemort is in it
• the movie is grand, but not really full.  the characters are rich, but the story isn’t.  and the plot is kinda, sorta, almos all too familiar.  and the final battle at the end didn’t give off the same kinda UMPPPPPPPPHHH that the old ones did. will something big will blow up at the end?  biggest non-shocker of the year
• not sure how the movie could be anything different or better than what it is.  it had to embrace the past and set up a new future.  it did that, very well, and for that, we all should be grateful, and grateful that the movie didn’t suck

More thoughts to come, after my 2nd, 3rd and 129129129th viewing

Verdictgo: a HUGE Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Force is to be reckoned with, at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

meet the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

 

John Boyega as Sando Calrissian

Sando grew up in Cloud City, living under the shadow of his dashing father Lando.  Sick of hearing his father’s glorified stories about the Battle of Taanab and endless late-night partying with Nien Nunb, Sando left home to make it on his own.  Since then, he has become a legendary pilot, and an even bigger scoundrel AND player than his father ever was.  He currently holds 14 death sentences on as many planets, and has won the last 3 World Series of Sabacc titles

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Daisy Ridley as Hope Solo

When parents Leia and Han tell their daughter Hope that they love her, she always replies, ‘I know’.  But does she?  HOPE so!!!  Hope, like her mother and grandmother before her, is one of the most independent women in the galaxy.  When she’s not getting straight A’s at Coruscant University, she devotes a lot of her free time to the Refugee Relief Movement.  And if she has any additional additional free time, she makes her own bathtub blue milk, from her great Aunt‘s secret recipe.  The force is slightly strong with this one, although she’s only a half-breed, and gets her ‘shoot first’ mentality genes directly from her pops

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Adam Driver as Darth Brooks

Not much is known about Darth Brooks, but what is known is to stay the fcuk out of his way.  Brooks employs the rare tri-lightsaber, which can not only slice opponents with ease, but galactic pizzas as well!

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Oscar Isaac as Dweezil Zapple

When it comes to Jizz music, there no musician more on top of his game than Dweezil Zapple.  Sadly, the rest of the galaxy doesn’t realize that.  Stuck playing coffee shops and bounty hunter bars on remote planets, Dweezil keeps on keeping on, waiting to make a breakthrough.  Sales of his last album weren’t promising, but an opening slot on the Max Rebo tribute band’s latest tour is.  To make ends meet, Dweezil moonlights as a droids dealer.  His most popular seller is R7-D4

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Andy Serkis as Grand Toff Fee

After the destruction of the second Death Star, the Empire was in shambles, until Grand Toff Fee rose thru the ranks and righted the ship.  He is currently overseeing the construction of a third Death Star, and promises that this one will be indestructible, and will not have a shield generator located anywhere near any muppets or midgets

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Domhnall Gleeson as Obi-Thwoo Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi was perhaps the greatest and most dedicated of all the Jedis, but everyone has their faults and weaknessess.  Obi-Wan’s was prostitutes, and he would use the force to force himself upon endless hookers, without paying them a dime or spices.  Well, one of these forced situations, with a Mos Eisley red-lighter named Sxxixty Nyne, resulted in a bastard child that Obi-Wan never knew about.  Nyne tried her best to raise her son, Obi-Thwoo, but being the son of whore didn’t provide much of an opportunity for him, and so she sent him to the Jedi Academy on his 10th birthday.  Obi-Thwoo was a quick study, and soon become as good a Jedi as his father before him.  But apparently he couldn’t escape his genes either – as he got involved in a scandalous affair with Yaddle that threatened to destroy the Jedis forever

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Max von Sydow as Galactic Emperor Vax mon Ydow

Emperor Vax mon Ydow is one of the most malicious and vicious men in the entire galaxy.  He has been known to set up meetings, and then not show up.  BASTARD!!!  One of his biggest priorities as Emperor, besides killing all the Jedi, is to figure out a better system of visual communication other than the ye olde glitchy hologram

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so there you have it.  will this be the bestest Star Wars ever????  probably not, but it will probably be 129393939 billion times better than the last 3 Lucas gave us.  HOOOOORAY!!!!!!!