Thighs Wide Shut

Captain America: Civil War
Marvel-ous
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 147 min

OMG, these guys…

and these guys…

are all on the same team – but because Captain America has a hard-on for Sebastian Stan, there gonna be a war son, CIVIL style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

This is what Avengers 2: Age of Voltron should have been!!!  Sorta kinda whatever!!!

Actually, this sequel (which is miles above #1) is basically Avengers 3, but works so much better cause there’s less clutter, and less dumb Thor and bulky Hulk.  Those two dudes caused way too much destruction.  HULK SMASH!! The less destruction the better!! Like slash the Hulk smash!

And this one has Daniel Brühl, and in case you didn’t know - Brühl rühlzzzz!!!!!!  But he’s not a superhero or a superhero villain, but he is a bad guy, but he kinda has a reason to break bad – like our superheroes do in this movie.  Man, so much noir going on here.  Who’s bad?  Who’s good?????  No black and white – juss lots o’gray – 100 SHADES OF IT!!!

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT – the movie is wayyyyyyyyyyyy too long.  Like 9 hours too long.  I enjoyed it all, but man, it’s a haul, a long one – like a long haul!!!! (I ran out to pee 2 times – but that’s cause I drank like a gallon o’soda – and all I missed was the superheroes talking about stuff)

Also, Jeremy Renner‘s Hawkeye is beyond lame.  Cut him and his character out of this Marvel universe

And I don’t care how cool he is, but Paul Bettany‘s Vision creeps me out too much and made me wish I didn’t have vision in my eyes

but it’s OK cause we get to see Ant Man become Gi-Ant Man, and there’s a new Spidey – who’s a no name actor – and actually looks like a teenager – which already seems more right than Tobey or Andrew Garfield minushimself could ever muster as Peter Parkz!!!

But the real bestestest thing???  There are three black dudes in the movie, and they blow away the white dudes and dudettes outta the water.  I’d rather see a movie with juss Rhodey (Don Cheadle), Falcon (Anthony Mackie), and my new mos favorite superhero ever – Blank Panther (the treasure that is Chadwick Boseman) – kicking major a$$ AND gla$$!!!!!!!!!  They should take Hawkeye out back and beat the lame fcuk outta him!!!

Heck, there needs to be a movie (superhero or not) with Boseman, Mackie, Cheadle, Denzel, Will Smith, Michael B Jordan, and Billy Dee Williams called Smooth Operators – where they’re a gang of telephone operators who are SMOOTH AS FCUK!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers (if it was somehow shorter, it woulda been BREAST IN SHOW)

Captain soldiers on at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Fifth Estate 
Julian Fried
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 128 min

When I first saw the above photo of Benedict Cumberbatch as Julian Assange, I was like – woah! it’s Benedict Cumberbatch as Julian Assange!!!  Then I was like, woah, he looks so weird.  And then I was like, woah, Daniel Brühl with a cool beard!  I don’t know who DB’s playing, but he’s such an amazing actor, and to have him in a movie with Cumbersnatch is gonna be like even more woaaaah!!

And so, what of Cumberbatch as Assange, with Brühl (as co-WikiLeaker Daniel Domscheit-Berg, whose book the film is mostly based on) by his side, in movie form?  The Fifth Estate – a marginally convoluted, but never dull take on the rise of WikiLeaks and the faltering of Assange, directed by the guy with the odd resume consisting of everything from the goody Gods & Monsters and Kinsey to the annoying Dreamgirls and last two breaking yawn-y Twilight pics - Bill Condon

Wait, wasn’t there a documentary about WikiLeaks released earlier this year?  Why bother with a movie, when there’s a doc, right?  We gave Alex Gibney‘s lengthy doc - We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks – a spin this past week, thinking it would run info-tainmental laps around the fictionalized version of the same topic, but did not find that to be true.  The film, the doc and the actuality of WikiLeaks all have the same issue – there’s juss too much information at hand and it’s really hard to figure out how to process it, and how it should be presented.  Condon’s fictionalized take may streamline and skimp on the details, but it gives a good enuff look at the pressures involved, in pretty dramatic form.  On the otherhand, Gibney’s doc delves too deep into the material, and feels bloated.  You walk away wanting to plug the leak.  Condon’s flick makes you want to take a leak.  Whatever that means

But for reals, Estate is worth your eyes and ears cause Cumberbatch plays Assange.  The movie could have been about Assange taking a leak for 2 hours, but if Cumberbatch was the one doing the urinating the whole time, it would still be beyond watchable.  And then there’s Brühl.  Dude is so good that we’d watch him take a leak for 19 hours straight.  These are truths, and we just self-leaked them 

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

take the Fifth today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Rush 
Winning Formula One 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 123 min

I have negative one interest in Formula One racing, and after seeing the Ron Howard directed/Peter Morgan written Rush, I still have negative 1 interest in the ‘sport’, but I have 1293891991321293 positive things to say about their beyond interesting/captivating/thrilling/fun film (same thing happened after I saw the INCREDIBLE doc Senna).  Ya see, skinny car racing is what the film’s rival characters do.  Sure, we root for them to win, but we care more about them as people then we do about thems taking the checkered flagz.  This is what the great sports movies do.  Actual winning is secondary to winning personalities  

The winning dudes are real life F1 racers – icy technical Niki Lauda and playboy pretty boy James Hunt, and they pushed each other to the limit in the mid-seventies, by putting the pedal to the metal, and trash-talking to the mental.  Lauda is embodied by the GREAT GREAT GREAT and vastly underatted and unknown (to Americans) Daniel Brühl, and Hunt by the greatly beautiful Chris Hemsworth, probably handing in his best work to date

Rush is a terrible name for a movie, but that’s eggzactly what the movie felt like and how it was paced – quickly zooming and vrrrrrrrrroooommmmmming us thru the two’s racing origin stories (they started in Formula Three.  hmmm, didn’t even know there were other types of Formula # racingsz), to their extracurricular activities (Hunt’s many c#nts, and Lauda’s main lady – played by the gorgeous Alexandra Maria Lara), to duking it out on the Formula One circuit (focusing mainly on the 1976 season), where it all basically culminates on that one fateful day that would intertwine the two’s lives together forever  

It’s all a GAS GAS GAS, that’s both FAST and FURIOUS, and has more brains AND brawn (and beauty – much WOWsers in the cinematography AND colorist departments!) in one movie than the Fast & Furious series’ has haves over six movies!!!!!!  AND WE LOVE THOSE MOVIES, BUT THEY HAVE MEATHEADS, AND RUSH AS AWESOMEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND THE FORMULA IS SIMPLE… AWESOMEHEADS will ALWAYS be > MEATHEADS!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS DEF Worth A Peepers

Race Time Face Time:  Sports Figures Portrayed in Movies

Rush, do not walk to a theater showing this.  it opens today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Intruders
No Face Face Off
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Things with no faces go bump in the night in Juan Carlos Fresnadillo‘s uneven, but very watchable Intruders.  They bump into Clive Owen‘s daughter Ella Purnell and to Pilar López de Ayala‘s son Izán Corchero.  And there’s nothing that they or (Black Book‘s often nekkid)  Carice van Houten, priest (our favorite German actor ever) Daniel Brühl, or unfoxy, but always roxing Kerry Fox can do about it, cause the bumpings may all be in these kids’ minds, or maybe not, or maybe so?!?!?!  And how are these two bumping cases, from two different countries (and languages) related?  They must be cause their stories are told separately, but of course this is a movie, so the two will come together at the end in some sorta nifty package, right?  They do, and when they do, it’s kinda sorta nifty, kinda sorta not, but mostly confusing, and makes this frightening looking, but not all that frightening movie kinda sorta fall apart, maybe?

moral of the story – Intruders had the right ingredients to bake a tasty scary movie cake (this aint no torture porn junk), but it feels kinda 3/4ed baked.  Juss cause something’s edible doesn’t mean you have to eat it, but you can

Verdictgo: a nice-ish try, so a high end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Intruders invades theaters in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

can’t tell if this poster is cool or not