Thighs Wide Shut

Alien: Covenant
Fassbender²
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 122 min

I returned from 2 weeks away in Italy, and after a night of attempting to reset my biological clock (it didn’t work), the next morning, the only thing I wanted to do (besides laundry) was see the new Alien movie - Alien: Covenant.  But I think I forgot to brush up on Prometheus before seeing it.  Oooops.  Kinda woulda helped!!!

Speaking of Prometheus, why did everyone hate that movie so much?  Cause the humans were dumb and did dumb things?  Well, what would you have done on a planet you’ve never been too????  Also, who wants to see a movie where smart astronauts avoid getting killed?  Aren’t the Alien movies all about watching humans getting killed by aliens in the most horrific ways possible??? And did everyone forget about how scary and captivating the movie was, and how there was an alien in our hero’s body and she c-sectioned the thing the fcuk out of her and it literally was like the most insane thing ever??????????????

Anywho, Covenant is the next prequelish chapter in Ridley Scott‘s continued attempt to properly resurrect the franchise, while raising new big questions, and introducing us to new dumb humans (welcome Billy Crudup!)  Luckily, the smartest ‘man’ in the room remains Michael Fassbender, and… Michael Fassbender.  No spoilers here, but lets just say, double the Fassbender, double the twisted fun!  And while the new crew includes a nice mix of actors from Demián Bichir to Danny McBride (not as comicy reliefy as you’d think), you know this one’s gonna be all about some short-haired lady, who’s probably going to have a high survivability rate – hello Katherine Waterston!!! 

Yes, hello!  Waterston seems to be in everything these days, but I would say any movie where she is wearing clothes, is a failure, cause she can totally be in a movie without clothes [NSFW]

But there’s something about her in Covenant that doesn’t exactly click, and we don’t feel for her, like they way we did for Prometheus‘ Noomi Rapace.  Oh yeah, whatever happened to her?????  And what’s up with the white engineer dudes?  And the black goo?  And this and that?  

Covenant has more to say than Prometheus, but I don’t necessarily think it’s AS good – but remember, I really liked Prometheus (and you probably didn’t).  The day after seeing the new one, I revisited the Prometheus and I like it more now than I ever have!!!  I mean, again, c’mon, the good doctor gives herself a cesarean section and the thing that comes out of it sucks on one of those white engineer dudes and becomes a fcuking insane alien!!!!!  WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT???  There are aliens in this Alien movie, and we sorta now know how they came to be, and how we came to be, and it’s both beautiful and unnerving, and these are prequels making us think – not making itself STINK

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Covenant agrees with you at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

This Is The End
Smarmageddon
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 107 min

OMG, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride and Craig Robinson plays themselves, in a movie!!!!  And in this movie, the world is being destroyed, but these guys survive, and they act as… themselves!!  And they’re stuck at James Franco’s house, which means we’re stuck with them.  And they think they’re so funny, so we’re forced to listen to their think they’re so funny jokes, that aren’t really that funny.  OK, so any time Danny McBride opens his mouth, or even lifts his eyebrows, we smile and laugh, but all that gets overshadowed by how much we could care less about Jay Baruchel, or minus-one note Seth Rogen, who co-wrote/directed this thing, by expanding his and Jay’s 2007 short film/trailer into something so over-long and over-done you truly wish the movie theater you were sitting in would get destroyed too.  Ugh.  Snooze.  But if you think Seth Rogen’s the funniest man since the last funny man who wasn’t that funny was the funniest man, then by all means, go see this movie that makes ‘funny’ rape jokes about Emma Watson, or drinking your own pee!  OK, so Michael Cera playing a crazy version of Michael Cera was pretty funny, but he leaves the film too soon and yer juss left with Jay Baruchel being Jay Baruchel and no one wants to see that, cept for apparently Seth Rogen, and probably Jay Baruchel’s parents

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

This Is The End has no beginning or end in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

30 Minutes or Less
Less Is… Less
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 83 min

Two dumb dudes (Danny McBride &  Nick Swardson) want to become rich, so they take an idea from a stripper to knock off one of the dude’s dads (Fred Ward), inherit his money and become rich!  In order to do so, they need 100K to pay someone to do the killing (Michael Peña), so they come up with their own idea to kidnap some random person (Jesse Eisenberg), strap a bomb to them, and force them to get the money for them!  All hell will break loose, and hilarity will ensue, won’t it?

Ruben Fleischer‘s 30 Minutes of Less sounds like the stuff of comedy dreams come true – a sharp storyline (by Michael Diliberti and Matthew Sullivan), a killer & lovable cast, and a runtime under 90 minutes (wish more movies would follow suit).  So, why then does 30 Minutes feel like a stretch times itself by 3?  Um, cause it’s only mildly funny, and when it is funny, it’s barely funny (Netflix jokes about never watching the DVDs one gets sent in the mail seems so 2004), and yer mainly giving it charity laffs cause you think McBride is funny.  McBride is pretty much doing his Kenny Powers shtick with a game Swardson doing the Stevie Janowski even dumber sidekick thing.  And we know Eisenberg can be funny, cause he is and has (Zombieland, Adventureland), but if he isn’t given the material to be funny, he can’t be funny.  Unfunny Aziz Ansari doesn’t help matters neither.  He’s more of a comedian than an actor (cause he is), and there’s only so much of his over-exciting yelling thing one can take (maybe you dig that, but we don’t)

Sill, there are far worse offending comedies, with lesser talent that have no story to tell.  But still, this felt like a slightly better Cop Out.  What does that tell ya?  Not much AND a lot.  This has rental written all over it

Pakistan Packing Heat:

Dilshad Vadsaria

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

30 Minutes doesn’t go a long way at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Due Date
No Planes, No Trains, Juss Automobiles
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Calling Due Date a newish Planes, Trains & Automobiles is no original notion, and no, there isn’t a ‘those aren’t two pillows’ moment, but if you’ve seen P, T & A then you’ve seen Due Date, but that aint necessarily a bad thing.  Decent comedies are tuff to come by in this post-ironic age and another P, T & A is eggzactly the thing we need.  Go Todd Phillips!  Did we hactually juss write that about this no frills director (who gives himself a lame cameo here)?  We did, and we’re sticking to that, for now.  How much you’ll like Due Date squarely falls on how much of a Zach Galifianakis being Zach Galifianakis fan you are.  If yer a mild to HUGE fan, then let the fun begin.  If you aint, then you should probably make a date elsewhere, cause this is a Zach attack!!!!!

Robert Downey Jr has the thankless straightman role of being an a$$hole to Galifianakis, but someone has to do it, so why not have it be done by one of the single greatestestestsst actors alive????  The two get into a world of trouble and a lot of fun on the road, for no better reason other than the script demands that they do.  Sure, some of the journey includes a bunch of dumbness and unrealistic side tracking, but it matters so little when the Bearded one/wonder nets more laughter here than he did in The Hangover. Ed Helms was an equal victor in Phillips’ last joint, but Zach shows he can shine when the spotlight is cast solely upon him.  His schtick seems like it will never grow old.  And if it does, then someone else of Greek decent with a beard will juss have to step up and take his place.  Hopefully that will never happen

The moist sirprizing aspect of Due Date is that it’s got plenty of heart to counterbalance the pot jokes and masturbating dog.  It also has Michelle Monaghan, Jamie Foxx, Juliette Lewis, Danny McBride and RZA as helping hands, and yet, no help is necessary when this is one giant sloppy wet Galifianakiss!!!  He was long overdue for a showcase, and so was we.  Win-win!

Shaven For Nobody’s Pleasure:  what ZG looks like w/o a beard

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Date is Due today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…