Hail, Caesar!
What The Hail???
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

You sit there watching the Coen Bros‘ Hail, Caesar!, and you think to yourself – this is cool – they love old Hollywood, I love old Hollywood, they’re totally doing right by old Hollywood, and as the movie snappily moves along, you start to realize that nothing is really going on, and you’ve laughed MAYBE twice during this comedy, and by the time that Joel & Ethan’s name appear on screen to kick off the end credits, you start to question what in the film is there to actually hail?

It seems like the Coen Bros invested more time on casting, or OVER-casting (Josh Brolin, George Clooney, Alden Ehrenreich, Ralph Fiennes, Jonah Hill, Scarlett Johansson, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, Channing Tatum, Alison Pill, Christopher Lambert, Fred Melamed, Patrick Fischler, David Krumholtz, Fisher Stevens, Alex Karpovsky, Clancy Brown, Robert Picardo, Dolph Lundgren and Michael Gambon‘s voice), than they did trying to construct a fluid movie.  They have ideas – WAY too many of them - and they’d maybe work if they were short films, but together as one long film – it’s juss a bunch of loving valentines with no heart

What I don’t REALLY understand, like I also didn’t REALLY understand with Inside Llewyn Davis, is if this stuff is based on real–life stuff, then why do the Coen Bros bother to fictionalize it into fluff?  They would be better off actually making a movie about the real players, instead of trying to impress us with their impressions.  It’s a waste of their talents, and a waste of our time

I mean, they obviously put a lot of thought into the movie, but I juss didn’t think too much of it.  Less is more.  They needed less of most of it, and more Alden Ehrenreich.  He gets a hail + the sets + Josh Brolin’s tuff gruff + the double dip of Tilda Swinton

Trumbo captured a similar time and themes in Hollywood, but it lacked the professional polish the Coen Bros gave Caesar.  Maybe the Coen Bros should have made Trumbo, instead of trying to make a movie that makes you feel like a sad trombone after watching it

Hail YEAH!!: it’s been awhile since we highlighted some movie hotties.  so here’s two that need hailing!!!

Natasha Bassett

&

Emily Beecham

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Caesar is a mixed salad today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Expendables
Not Nearly Over The Top Enuff
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

As expected, The Expendables has big ass beloved action stars of yesteryear involved in some big ass explosions, while expounding big assed corny dialog.  So why does all the big-assedness feel so small?  And why is Charisma Carpenter in this movie?  And why isn’t she nekkid?  Writer/director/actor Sylvester Stallone‘s heart and mind, and pals, are all in the right place here, but when all is daid and sone, The Expendables is a missed opportunity at exploding exploitation.  Perhaps in the hands of someone more ironic like Robert Rodriguez, this could worked out a lot better instead of being what it is, which is not much, but not totally nothing, so it’s sorta something… we guess

So who are The Expendables?  Do you really care?  They’re a multi-ethnic paramilitary group for hire that are hired to take down other multi-ethnic paramilitary groups and collect cash and a bunch of battle scares at the end of the job.  In this adventure, they’re hired by Bruce Willis(!!!!, but only in it for one scene, which he also shares with Schwarzenegger.  boy, do we miss him and his eeuauaughhhuauaahhing) to take down a Central American island dictator (David Zayas, another Dexter player Stallone has drafted, after he enlisted Julie Benz for Rambo), who’s really juss a puppet for a shady ex-CIAer played by Eric Roberts (who’s a better actor than her sister, duh!!) and his right hand henchman Steve Austin, and they are all evil or something and so they muss be taken down or else or something!  OK!  So our team springs into action.  And what a team! Jason Statham! Jet Li! Dolph Lundgren (who knew he was so awesome???  seriously!!!)! Randy Couture! Terry Crews! and Mickey Rourke, as a sorta Q character!

And guess what happens next???  Shoot!  Knife!  Boom!  Death!  Zzzzzz!!  Nothing special!! WE DON’T EVEN REMEMBER ANYMORE!?!?  Is it too late to request even MORE CORNY DIALOG????  And why no mention of the characters’ full names????  Czech these babies out: Lee Christmas, Ying Yang, Gunner Jensen, James Munroe, Toll Road, Tool and our personal fav, Hale Caesar!!!  Wish this movie was something we could hail.  Yes, we were moist happy to see these worthy actors put back into action, but we juss wish the action was more jacksony.  Speaking of, where was Apollo Creed?  Or Mr T? Or Chuck Norris of Van Damme? or CGI Andre The Giant?  HE ONLY DUCK PADDLES!!!

Planet Best: ah, the early 90s, where hath you gone?

Verdictgo:Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Expendables dulls bulls todat at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…