Thighs Wide Shut

those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it

31 years ago today

on an al leiter note…

Man Creates Pan Am Jet Cabin in Garage

Woodstock’s undercover lovers do it again (oops, missed this one)

Hitchcock & Munch

Hitchcock & Hopper

The 101 Most Influential People Who Never Lived

EXERGIAN

womens and old computerses

DUDES

Chi-town, my kinda town. Probably the 6th+ time I’ve been there. It’s like Diet New York, or maybe New York Zero would be more apropos. The people are hella nice. They have a hella lotta Popeyes. And it’s quiet as all effin hella hell, and you know how quiet hella hell is (all dough, their public transit is hella wurstest and hella loud). While the weekend was more rockin than John Rocker eating his Johnny Rocket’s at the Hard Rock Cafe while watching reruns of Roc, there was one major disappointment: I was unable to meet up with Peabs (and Grambs and Grambs bro, and Grambs’ Uncle Tupelo), and thus didn’t get to eat puddin pops outta his anus while screaming John Stossel in his right ear as I stick my CAK airport in his left. Well Peabs, we’ll always have Cambodia. And that foursome with Mrs Garrett and Mindy Cohn. Enuff of the introductory paragraph and on with the snapples!!

sum of my mos flavorite entertainment things took place here:
Vice Versa
Webster
Blues Bros
The Bozo Show (dude, I totally coulda hit all dem buckets)
The Untouchables
anything by John Hughes
anything with John Candy
not Batman Begins

and mos importantly
Adventures In Babysitting
where lil Thor-lovin whore Maia Brewton
hung on to dear life on the vagina building
I loved that movie so much
that I sent a letter to each of the 4 principle actors
I got an autograph snap back from Maia and E Shue
damn you Tony Rapp and Keith Coogan!!

and how could I forget about
Al Bundy & Co

cause I totally wanted love and marriage
back in the day
w/Amanda Bearse

and the AIC
(probs 2nd bestest art musuem in America)
got the points
and gives me mad wood

and the bestest set of Hawks since Spud & Dominique

and frynally
I got my arse out to Wrigley for the first time mt everest!

with Cubs Fan #1
aka Samuel Gompers the MIXLIX
NO DOUBT

wow
the Cubs suck
even from far away

and it was even
SAVE FERRIS BARTMAN DAY

bi the gay

this is what an ‘obstructed view’ looks like

and I think I had 17963636233.4 food comas
thanks to

Lou Mal’s & their fine staff

where Cubs Fan #1
held the greatest rehearsal dinner of balls thyme
many (Dave) moons ago

Billy Goat Tavern
which is Wizard of Boviously home to the Belushi SNL skit
and many heart attacks

and now has a home in DC of balls places

Portillo’s
(cause Wiener Circle & Underdogg were too far away/closed when we were in the area)

and while the h’dogs were a bit bunk
the dipped Italian beef made up for it
and give me the best liquid shits
I’ve had since the Clinton administration

Carson’s The Place For Ribs

I’m sure there are better rib joints
but how can u diss a place that owns the url Ribs.com?

The Rock n’ Roll McDonalds
which was the coolest fast foot joint on earth
wheneth I was a kid
(one day I’ll unearth and scan snaps)
and now is a big overly-commercialized
dump hole
with no rock
and only cinnamon rolls
it’s the food equivalent
of the dumping on my childhood
that George Lucas did
when he released those three things
called prequels

how do you say ‘F&ck You’ in all dem languages?

and they took all the cool arse R ‘n’ R stuffs

and threw em in some side garage thingie

dude, who’s the fake Archie
bonin the fake Betty?

and dude, doesn’t this kinda remind you of the
autopilot from Airplane?

and dude

a white statue would never touch a black statue

and dude
this hard iron bizatch

totally gave me the finest HJ I got
since I never joined the HJ

and I heard a rumor that Lollapalooza was in town
and cause I got the early bird tix for $45 a piece
I didn’t really care to spend too many hours there

although the Raconteurs totally were mint
+ Wolfmother
and Manu Chao
but I don’t think I ever need to see
the Flaming Lips & Gnarls B again
semi-Zzzzzzz inducing
if u bask
me
maybe I’m at the point in life
where I only need to see bands once
unless Jack White’s in em
or yer mother’s in em
cause she sucks
like whatever music you like

bestages part of Lolla
was meeting up with
(sides Irish Ted and AJ Feely)
Zach De La Roachclip
who I hadn’t see in bicentennials

who has killer kicks
DO NOUBT!

then we parted ways
and then he kept calling me
but it was too loud to hear
so I kept yelling into the phone
to text me
but eventually
it was finally quiet
so I called Mr De La Roachclip’s phone
and some girl picked it up
and she’s not Mrs De La Roachclip
but some girl who found his phone
and was drunk enuff to think of the grand idea
to call one of the last numbers dialed
and thus I was reunited with DLR’s phone
and later
DLR

it was like the oddest and longest booty call of buffalo bills thyme

and this guy knobviously smelled
and totally wanted to sell me shrooms

but I told him my bathroom already smelled just fine

and that’s pretty much that

cept the dog wouldn’t leave me alone
cause he likes to be choked while m-batin
like he was Michael Hutchence or something

fin

Thigh Mizzle’s
Top Hill-even
Art-ease-its
of Balls Thyme
& why
and my flavorite piece by em

1) Vincent van Gogh

Why?
Cause everytime I van gogh to his museum (6+ times and counting), I pay for the audio tour juss to hear some Dutch woman who sounds like Willard’s mum say these three simple words: ‘The Potato Eaters’. Bonus for being portrayed by Kirk Douglas AND Tim Roth

Which Piece?

The Sower, 1888
Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

2) Edward Hopper

Why?
Cause his paintings make me feel more lonely than Roy Orbison’s ‘Only The Lonely’, and Todd Haynes and countless others totally jacked his stizz for many a beautiful flicks

Which Piece?

Soir Bleu, 1914
Whitney Museum of American Art, New York

3) Salvador Dali

Why?
Cause he collaborated with two of the 20th Century’s entertainment go-liaths, Disney & Hitchcock… although these dynamic duets didn’t turn out the way they should’ve

Which Piece?

Lincoln In Dalivision, 1977
Minami Art Museum, Tokyo

4) Georges Seurat

Why?
Cause Alan Ruck gets the POINTillism, even if he isn’t the true sausage king of Chicago!

Which Piece?

A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, 1884-86
The Art Institute of Chicago

5) Giuseppe Arcimboldo

Why?
Cause he made it safe to play with your food, but not with yer balls

Which Piece?

The Vegetable Gardener, circa 1590
Museo Civico Ala Ponzone, Cremona, Italy

6) Caravaggio

Why?
Cause Tarsem hit gold with his C’vaggio laced vid for REM’s ‘Losing My Religion’ and hit the level of Judy Gold (read: BOO) with The Cell starring J-Ho

Which Piece?

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas, 1601-02
Neues Palais, Potsdam

7) René Magritte

Why?
Cause only he and a nakkid Rene Russo could turn The Thomas Crown Affair into a watchable non-Bond Pierce Brosnan feature! Plus, this is not a pipe, cause it’s a painting of a pipe!!!

Which Piece?

L’Empire des Lumieres, 1954
Peggy Guggenheim Collection, Venice

8) MC Escher

Why?
Cause the world’s first white rapper gets no respect on the East or the West coast, and I’ve NEVER seen one of his works hang in a proper museum, juss numerous college dorm walls

Which Piece?

Waterfall, 1961
National Gallery of Canada

9) Gustav Klimt

Why?
Cause his last name sounds like an Austrian word for vagina and he often shows vagina or BOOBS or BOTH in his work. And it’s not often I throw around the word ‘ornate’, but his shiz is as the hoodlums say, ‘nate, yo!

Which Piece?

Der Beethovenfries, 1901-02
Secession, Vienna

10) Edvard Munch

Why?
Cause he loves to munch on box and his bumblin’ countrymen apparently guard their national treasures with guns made out of balsam wood

Which Piece?

Anxiety, 1894
Munch-museet, Oslo

11) Hieronymus Bosch

Why?
Cause along with his partner Lomb, they cared more about eyes than Ree-Yees and V Eye Whoreshoutski combined! And I bet he was like the Puck of his day, and stuff

Which Piece?

Hell part of The Garden of Earthly Delight triptych, circa 1504
Museo del Prado, Madrid

Han-Solorable mentions: Leonardo da Vinci, Rembrandt van Rijn, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Thomas Hart Benton, Andy Warhol, Fernand Léger, Henri Rousseau, Grant Wood, Roy Lichtenstein, Keith Harring, Jan Vermeer, Paul Signac, Damien Hirst, BOB ROSS(!) and MANY MORE whom I forgots to include

Wurstest
1) Mark Rothko
2) Lucio Fontana
3) both 1 & 2

THIS JUSS IN!!!
– DREAM CUM TRUE: TK Stack Money a go for MNF
– DESTINY CUM TRUE: Maryland offically becomes Garyland
– DRAZZLE CUMMING ON MY LEG: Everytime I look at Meg White and her ‘disco boobs’