Sleeping Beauty
Olden Slumber
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 104 min

Boy do we love ourselves some Emily Browning, maybe more than you would ever care to know, but maybe you do care to know, cause she’s so awakeningly beautiful (and talented) and if you don’t agree, then you don’t know what beauty is.  Now that we’ve cleared that up…

We’re still trying to expunge the vomit left in our mouth by watching Sucker Punch, which Browning unfortunately headlined, and in her latest work, Julia Leigh‘s Sleeping Beauty, that taste of vomit has been replaced by the saliva dripping out of the mouths of dirty old rich men.  Gross.  Indeed.  But that saliva aint just a taste in our mouths, it’s on-screen drool being applied to EB’s hot nekkid body as she lies in a sedated state.  Eeeek!!  Indeed!!!

Sleeping Beauty may be a bit too distant and hazy to fully sink yer teeth into, and offers up next to zero in the smiles department, but why should a movie about a lil lost naif looking to pay the bills as a call-girl, who offers pretty much anything to her clients but ‘no penetration’, not be hard to penetrate?  It’s a grueling viewing experience, but one you’ll barely be able to take your eyes off of.  It still doesn’t hurt looking at nekkid women, even if the sexual stuff they’re participating in isn’t exactly sexy (please note – the movie’s not as raunchy as we may be making it out to be)

Browning sizzles in the bare-all role (she aint a kid no mo!), and co-stars Rachael Blake and Ewen Leslie are icy hot in cryptic roles as her madame and a lyrical house-bound friend, respectively.  Blake in particular, whom we’ve never seen in a film before, is f#%king brilliant in the film.  Since the Academy has no rhyme or reason for handing out Oscar nominations, Oscar nominated her a$$.  We mean, look at her!!!  She is both haunting and taunting, and we juss want to listen to her quiet, but strong voice say things all day long

moral of the story: if David Lynch were to ever make a movie about an Australian college girl wiggling her way into an underground world of classy sleaze, it would probably look somewhat like Leigh’s Sleeping Beauty.  Morose and gross, but beautifully sleepy all the same, this baby will keep yer eyes wide open, even if there’s NO PENETRATION (house rules)!!

Poster Boaster:  it doesn’t get munch better than this!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Sleeping Beauty awakes today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sucker Punch
Technical Crap Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Unwatchable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you need to know anything more about Zack Snyder‘s ode to nothing for no one?  Was this even a movie?  There was no plot, and if there was one, we’d laugh at you if you tried to explain it.  Maybe we’ll explain it to you and then you can laff at us or the movie

OK, so there’s this girl and she’s Emily Browning and she’s hot, even though she still looks like she’s 12.  so they dress her up like a anime sailor girl that sick twisted men JO to

and even though Browning’s a hottie, and it’s mad hot to see her wear things that are tight against her tight bod, that doesn’t mean you should pay to see her look hot

anywho, her like family dies (with a crane-shot funeral scene ripped right from Zack’s own Watchmen) and a bunch of crap happens and it’s exactly like the video for Aerosmith’s ‘Janie’s Got A Gun’

but instead of cheesy Aerosmith songs, the film is made up of shitty cover tunes that will make your ears want to run from cover from the covers.  wurst offender is Alison Mosshart’s cover of the Beatles’ ‘Tomorrow Never Knows’.  if you hear it, it IS dying!!!!!

so Browning’s left in her stepdad’s hands, but he wants her off of his hands, so he sends her to some building straight out of Scooby Doo

and it’s about as plastic looking as this mansion playset

apparently this isn’t a good place to be and soon some guy’s gonna come and like take Brownings brain or something.  OH NO!!!

luckily there’s some hot chicks around who instantly identify with her and want to help her!  they are Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone (she’s not hot, so movies, please stop trying to do so), Jamie Chung and Vanessa Hudgens (did they make her look gross on purpose?).  this movie sets their careers back 9 years and women’s lib by about 20.  it will also reset your brain to zero, and your wallet to minus $8 to $13 dollars

there’s also this vampy Russian broad who like helps girls act or dance or something.  she’s ‘played’ by Carla Gugino. Carla’s annoying Russian biznatch is so over the borscht top that she makes Bullwinkle’s Natasha look like a serious toon, like Rosie The Riveter

Carla Gugino is juss awful. AWFULLLLLLLLLLL.  maybe it’s the movie’s fault or maybe she should stop being in horrible movies.  we’re starting to think that if we see her name in a movie’s marquee that we should see whatever’s not starring her… unless she’s going NSFW

anywho, apparently Browning is a super sexy dancer and this movie turns into Burlesque or is it Showgirls?  does it matter?  it has zero nudity or zero anything.  it’s nothing.  no winking at the camera.  all stinking at the camera!!!

so Browning needs something to do, so she meets with David Carradine, but since he went all Michael Hutchence on us, he couldn’t be cast in the movie, so they went with Jack Crawford (Scott Glenn)

so David Carradine by way of Scott Glenn tells Browing that she has like 5 things to do and so begins video game level after video game level of accomplishing NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!  it’s like Scott Pilgrim, but with less Beck and less Mary Elizabeth Winstead.  Oh, you have to kill 8 boyfriends, huh?  WAKE US UP WHEN BORING IS OVER.  anyone who says SCOTT PILGRIM was good doesn’t know what good is.  they probably watch 2.5 Mens

so Browning and the ladies like start up a dance routine, but you never see them dance, so instead they jump into other movies like Lord of The Rings and Iron Giant and RoboCop and Sky Captain & The World of Boring and like other movies, and it all sucks!!!

and the dude running the show is Roman Moroni (Oscar Isaac) from Johnny Dangerously, and he is beyond a farigin icehole

and this movie is a fargin icehole

and then the same nothing happens like 8 times and then Jon Hamm shows up or something and then the credits roll

moral of the story?  hot chicks in tight clothing is not a movie

this movie is HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, and like we said at the beginning, UNWATCHABLE, so do the right thing and don’t watch it

Verdictgo: BEYOND Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Sucker SUCKS tomorrow at a theater new jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…