Thighs Wide Shut

Us 80s DC metro kids alls know that this is the greatestist commercial of balls thyme (sadly, not a link to the actual commercial), but did we, and the rest of you jerkfaces from st elsewhere, know that the spot above, where a methed out Fraiser is trying his damnedest to sell the world on Shaq-Fu: THE VIDEO GAME, is 2nd breastest of gaul’s lime? I consider the uploading of this ‘mercial my biggest contribution to the internets mt EVERest/olive!!

BONUS FU: the fu-iest fu-sic video for the ultimate in fu-llaboration: The Fu-Schnickens & Shaq-Fu gettin all ‘What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock?)’ e-fu-ed!!

• Ice-T AND Body Count is both coming out wit NEW albums?!??!SE#@#@@2!!! [source matz] WH—AAaAT??!!t5t1!!yes!!! One is called Murder for Hire and the other is Gangsta Rap. If you can quess which deep title belongs to which artist and are the 3751223485th person to email me your answer, I’ll buy you one medium thin crust pizza from Domino’s! And if that’s not enuff grate news about meaningless old things that rock, New Edition is reuniting for the 15th time so Bell Biv and DeVoe can pat their rent, but THIS TIME with Bobby Brown on board, who also needs to pay his rent!! Wow, maybe they all should make a NEW EDITION of the Rent movie cause the one we got SUCKED. Get it, a NEW EDITION, cause they’re New Edition and I want them to make a NEW EDITION of the movie Rent cause thereir’s will be better than the one with all the stoopid white people who sing instead of earning a paycheck. STOP SINGING AND HAVING SNARKY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES AND STOP SINGING!!!!

• I’d be down with a Pumpkins, ‘rillaz, Stripes second night of ‘chella

• Cause like Doggy Poo [trailer], sometimes dreams really DO come true: Free Marissa shirts (+ Falkor’s sister with Hitler’s fruit of choice)! [apparel american via Chillary G]

• So is having HFRT CC THE IV on The OC my next wet dream come true like Jude Law making out with Damon Albarn, with a soundtrack by Pasemaster Mase?

• Merry belated peace the fork out to President David Palmer. Hopefully you got some killer Allstate Life Insurance!!! And may the YMNTD.com be with you, ballways [via Mega Man/Van]

• Merry war the spoon in to Nixon Pt II: President Logan aka llon Tandro aka Dr. Dysek aka Captain Sopek!!!

• Ziyi Zhang totally wants to 2046nine it up with Slim Shadeball

• ClintonPortis.com’s collection of Clinton Portis Characters [via Mr I-495]

• IFC Films secured the US theatrical rights to a movie that maybe 4,876 people would want to see (including me, annie + 1, and 4,873 hipsters)

• The Fiddler should quit blogging and juss make eyelicious art things with album covers all ze time

• celebrity rebus – part 1

• Hottest Significant Other Tournament, Savory 16

• Little Urchins, for when you want yer baby to oh, well, whatever, nevermind.

• Can you peoples stop taking pictures of me in the park while I’m reading A Catcher In The Rye

• 25th Anniversary AllSportsMarket.com DeLorean Give-Away

• Many a FREE screenings to the next Pied Piper of Perabo adventure

• This one is for TK Stack Money: Who’s responsible for naming the planet Uranus?

• THE goal

• Coca-Cock-a? [SFW via Navi’s Unibrow Universe]

• Sorry I couldn’t be of service for the one earthling searching for “Nick Goings’ eyebrows”. To make it up to you, here’s an old link of an old man with old eyebrows doing what he does best: being old

• And

Tis never too late to replace Jane Badler with Falkor’s sis as Dirty Diana in the much over-dooed V: The Second Generation mini series

Then again, Jane does have the word ‘BAD’ in her last name, as in ‘SHE BADDER THAN A BADGER LISTENING TO MICHAEL JACKSON’S BAD WHILE REENACTING THE BADDLE OF THE NETWORK STARS… in BED!!!’

Then again, neither of dem bizatches can rock the 80s AS SEEN ON TV Ambervision sunglasses like my effin DAWG/Brigitte Nielsen in B Hills Cop II liz’ovin/finger raisin in the sun of bitch, Gunther Cunningham!!!!

But it aint no is not for it will never be so cause Faye Grant is the one and only V thighs I’d like to see wide open

• More Chronic in the ’07… somewhere Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg are giving each other handjobs

• Ebert’s Best 10 Movies of 2005

• Thigh Master’s Bestest In Movies ’05… coming in early ’06!!

• Why release a second album when you’d be basically killing yer chances of being named Spin‘s Band of The Year for the years 2006 thru 2112?

• Reason #54125672887323222434235426478d3456 not to have children

• Jossip #95 and Stereochicklets #76? If the top three aint Me, Sio Bibble, and Jimmy Smits, I swear, I’ll stop reading USA Today on weekends!!! I means, who else be #1 when searching for ‘side boob’, but NOT ‘side boobs’?

• Old meets Poo at MOMI’s everlasting arcade breastlesnessmanathon… I mean, why bother with this when dere’s this? YER ALL CLEAR KID, NOW LETTUCE BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME!!!

• Shirley sure has a lot of paying to do

• OH MY FORKIN GAWD!

• Blur – ‘Daisy Bell (A Bicycle Made For Two)’ [d-lode]

• Ali G & The Porn Convention [NSFW vid via Juwanamaker]

• I may have to replace ‘Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange!!!’ with ‘Visit Where They Filmed The Intro and a Season Eight Episode of Full House!!!!’ on my list of THINGS I NEED [via Sha Na Na BOOTY]

• I heart the girl wearing the I heart Hashem tee

• A list of all the Snapple caps ‘Real Facts’ [via Don’t Shoot Til You See The Witz of Their Eyes]

• Reason #2354235728757843s42442 why Christmas kicks Hanukkah’s a$$ [via Snopes]

• WD-40 can do it all. I bet it can even cure oral herpes or coulda destroyed Stalin’s Super Ape Men Warriors if need be. And now it’s available in a pen shape! [via Use It Or Lose Its’ Computer]

• Top 5 Muffins of 2005

• I’ll pay someone 5 dollars if they tells me which of dere links on the Lynx list haven’t been updated in over three months. It’s time to do a lil house keeperin’. Note: NONUSHOTTIES.8K.COM DOESN’T COUNT

• New Zealand Finds Black Cocks Hard to Swallow [via Brawny Man]

• Oedipus YIKES! [via Pantry Pooba]

• If I’m not avail, you taco Nazi? YTMND strikes again! [beware the garble gabble gaddle flazzle shazzle kizzle hazel navel shaveyervagina]

• And cause dumb doesn’t always have to be real: Planet Fakes [NSFW]

And this post filled with useless links that probably 3 of you clicked on is so fargin icehole brillo pad brilliant that Albert Einstein came back from his vacation from Syriana a week earlier than planned to give me a diploma in geniusness of super awesome smart man thinking stuff things. So if there aint 332234556427776 comments by the day’s end, I’ll never put another NSFW link on this .org AGAIN, EVER never say EVER AGAIN NEVER EVER AGAIN NEVER. Did I mention that Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla each gave me a rusty trombone with the Dizzy Gillespie conversion? Oh, and George Washington Carver totally gave me a high five cause I found more uses for a penis than he did for a peanut!!! Oh, and before I go…

IF YOU DON’T NETFLIX THIS BEFORE YOU SEE SPIELBERGO’S MUNICH YOU EITHER CAN’R REED OR YOU SUCK OR YOU ARE AN IDJIOT LIKE MOST PEOPLE IN AMERICA WHO DON’T READ THIS SIGHT AND WHO DO VOTE FOR CRAPPY PRESIDENTS AND BLOGS IN THINGS ABOUT STUFF THAT AREN’T WORTH MORE THAN THE MARY WORTH OF THREE DOG NIGHT MINUS THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

watch me or choke
on yer own grundle
And oh, uh, this guy aint no Gunther Cunningham either… although he does kinda look likes him

[dinty more]
+ Falkor’s sister slips nip on the TV
+ Gorillaz live at the EMAs [via Monk]
+ Be like me and bid to own yer own set of Hazzardous material
+ Deltron 3030’s ‘Positive Contact’ [d-lode]
+ This picture made me think of Janora
+ Marble Madness
+ Blue Ball Madness [SFW + audio]

and…

Have you seen Charlotte Church’s new vid for her next single ‘Call My Name’? Neither of I (since I can’t figure out this site), but if these snaps are of any indication, it could be the single most beatoffable vid since Madonna’s see-thru bazammbies in ‘Vogue’.

[more here]

• Did you watch the VMA’s last night? Neither did I (despite the G-rillaz rightfully mcnabbing 2 awards)! But if you care about such thangs, look here, here, and here!

• Will Samwise Gamgee edge out Edgar to win the love of Chloe AND save America for the humpteenth time?

• Do dreams ever come true? Yes they doesly do as the bestest most kiddiest eclecticiestest mp3 site around finally dug up The Three Caballeros sdtrk… although no tracks featuring Donald D and his dos amigos.

• When is the madness of Madness heading our way? Dunno, but they do have 6 West Coast dates lined-up

• Who almost became President of Iraq? Whatever you do, don’t tell it to Mr Hand!

• Wanna dress like Ryan Atwood, John Q Hipster, or a complete jackasshole?

• Ever wanted to own yer own Bob Ross painting like yers Thighly? Well, I contacted their afroed-Inc and this is what they had to say

• Is there any way Philip Seymour Butts will not get a Best Actor nom for his work in Capote? Peepage the trailer [via Fid Diddler]

• Can’t tell yer acrylic from yer cyrillic? Then you may have a tuff time d-loding a ton of t.A.T.u. mp3yummyness. Don’t forget to czech out the second page for some remix goodies.

• Are you gonna catch Cut Copy on tour with the Archdukes this fall? Well catch their vid for ‘Saturday’ here

• Have you seen Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story?

• Worried about the people in your neighborhood? You should be: Map(of)SexOffenders.com

• What’s the best way to raise money for your separatist campaign movement? Porn, snatchurally [via Prof Gryth]

• When is the 27th Annual Mooning of Amtrak set for? All Day Saturday, July 8, 2006

• When will the Neverending Comparison end? Never, cause it’s neverending by design. Anywho, we finally found a picture of Falkor & her always moody sister Mischa occupying the same space and the same thyme…

Stolen directly from Falkor’s Bar Mitzvah photo album
See where it all started here

Tara Reid Admits Her Breasts Are Fake

No word on if she has any brain activity
• Peace the fork out Walter Reed Medical Center

• Genius to team up with Genius. Effin genius!

• Natalie Portman prepares to play Mr T

• Falkor Barton falls for a Kim Thayil wannabe

• HRT the IIIrd ready to unleash the greatestist smelling mace

• New Fugees single in a fortnight + a 1/2 a fortnight?

• Samurai Armstrong proves there’s life after superjews Seth Cohen AND Ari Gold [via ASF]

• Charlotte Church’s choir director sentenced to 20 years in prison

• Could a new polo resort in Indio force Coachella to move elsewhere?

• Jack White would like to buy the world a Coke. Meg, a Faygo.

• Bjork ready to get her skeletons swan dress outta her closet

• What shines yer balls more? The news of new Lebowski DVDs, one version complete with a bowling towel and drink coasters, or the fact that the Dude is ready to roll another 10 frames, if only the Coen Bros oil the lanes? Well both are betterer than talks of Old School 2… unless it’s 90 minutes of this.

• Menupix, pix of menus from the NYC, SF, and BOS areas. I know it’s legit cause they have a the menu from my mos flavorite $4 Cubano sangwhich place

• The Human Zoo

• What did people use before toilet paper was invented?

• The only watch I’d consider wearing: Atari’s limited edition Asteroids watch [via Dr Falada]

• And big ups to my man main Raykwan the Chef (the monkey in the middle) who is on his way to becoming a full on JAG-off. Good to see the military can spend zillions on things that go boom in the night, but not a cent to update their Gomer Pyle/John Kerry unies.