9ever my favorite merton

sorry kids, we normally dedicate our NFL season predictions and photoshop nightmares to two posts, but we’re on vacation, with little time and no access to photshop, so this thing is gonna be semi-half-assed.  apologies, but not really, cause if yer getting yer NFL predications from Thighland, yer obviously not a golfer

NFC

NFC EAST

It’s hard to pick a team that we love to hate cause they’ve never won a Super Bowl (HAAAA HAAAA!!!) and employ a dog killer, but The Eagles (14-2) should have little problem taking care of the over-injured Giants (8-8), the Garrett-topped Cowboys (7-9) or the ready to not be a disaster, but may be a disaster Redskins (7-9).  While we hope that doesn’t happen, we do hope that the Giants do well enuff to continue to keep ole man Coughlin as their joke, we mean coach, and Eli Manning as their joke, we mean QB

NFC NORTH

A lot of folks are high on Matty Stats and the Lions (4-12) this year, but wethinks these peoples forgots that they’re the Lions and Barry Sanders would rather retire with much gas left in the tank than play for that franchise.  The Vikings (5-11) won’t be that much better off with McScabb leading the charge, but stranger things have happened… like his ability to sometimes NOT throw passes into the ground.  How much longer will the Cutler diabetes experiment last in Bears (8-8) land?  Probably about as long as his engagement.  If The Packers (11-5) can’t win the division, well, then they don’t deserve to win jack sh#t.  But they have Jesus in a helmet and you don’t f$@k with the Jesus… in a helmet

NFC SOUTH

The South is where it’s at.  It’s kinda like what the NFC Beast used to be, but with warmer locales and smaller TV audiences.  But the limelight matters not to the division that will send its champ, The Saints (12-4), and two Wild Cards, The Falcons (11-5) and The Bucs (8-8), to the pay-offs.  That leaves The Panthers (2-14) to wallow in their own Cam Newton poop, which will be like the second-coming of that other roar-less Auburn Tiger, Jason Campbell.  Lets say the Panthers were the most stacked team in the league.  Even if they were, we’d still pick them to finish last.  That’s what they and their horrid jerseys and color scheme deserve

NFC WEST

Someone has to win this, right?  Aint gonna be the Tarvar-is-not Jackson led Seahawks (5-11), the we got Andrew Luck’s coach and will want the actual Andrew Luck next year, we wish you luck 49ers (4-12), and shockingly, not the Brads/Spags Rams (4-12).  It’s all about Kolb, who will be hotttttb and his Cardinals (9-7) will sorta look like the team that was in the Super Bowl a few years back.  Maybe.  Either way, we pray Kolb’s lady of interest doesn’t look like Kurt Warner’s wife

Seeds:
#1 Iggles
#2 Nawlins
#3 Pack Attack
#4 Zona
#5 Falcunts
#6 Bucsssxxx

NFC Champs: Philly will go far, but New Orleans will show them that hurricanes are more sympathetic and less pathetic than redeemed dog killers

AFC

AFC EAST

The Jets (7-9) can walk the walk, but they’re too much talk, and Dirty Sanchez’ dirty diaper smelling play will have em crawling back to mediocre-ville.  Plaxico won’t add a shot in the arm, but more shots in the pants.  BANG!  SNAP!!  The Dolphins (4-12) will not sirprize, but thinking the Bills (8-8) might, which will make the Buffalo Jills and their fans’ nipples hard.  Just thinking about it is making our nipples hard!  That leave the Patriots (12-4) to do what the Patriots do, win a lot, making Boston fans even more annoying, and making the rest of us even more annoyed at the annoyingness abound

AFC NORTH

We predict that the North will be the tightest division in the NFL this year.  Punching bags like the Browns (8-8) and Bengals (8-8) will end up being punchy instead of punch-lines.  We know, that sounds recockolous, but then again, so does naming a planet Uranus.  And yet Baltimore (9-7) and the Steelers (9-7) will remain the belles of this ball, and both will return to the playoffs… where the Ravens will still be unable to get past the Burgh.  Speaking of, the Eagles fans may be the worst, but the Steelers fans are the lamest.  All of them became fair weather fans in the 70s and now there’s a new generation of them after their past decade of goodness.  Them losing the Super Bowl was one of the best things to happen.  Moral? Rape never wins

AFC SOUTH

The giant question mark that is Peyton Manning’s health, and thus making a possible Manning-less Colts (8-8) dolts could make this division a little less snoozy-Q than usual.  Will this finally be the year when the doors go thighs wide open for the Texans (10-6)?  Yes!  If not, it’s time to rename them the Oilers and spread the derricks everywhere like it was Bayside High.  The Jaguars (5-11) and The Titans (4-12) will do nothing that anyone will remember, so don’t try and remember the Titans or the Jaguars, just the Alamo and WENN

AFC WEST

Hate this division, so they get the least of our choice words –  The Chargers (11-5) will bolt to the top of the division again, but the Raiders (8-8) won’t be as far behind as you think!  That leaves the Chiefs (7-9) and Broncos (4-12) to wonder what if… what if Norv Turner ever used Accutane???

Seeds:
#1 Pats me balls
#2 Chargerzz
#3 Texans, Houstons
#4 The Burgh
#5 Ravens, Nevermore
#6 Derrrr Raiders?????  why not

AFC Champs: in a total snooze-fest, Omar Epps will have his Steeler boys ready and able to take out Norv and his perennial playoff loser Bolts

Super Bowl: New Orleans 31, Pittsburgh 21

Super Bowl MVP: Drew Brees, again

Fantasy Outlook Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Tim Hightower, Jimmy Graham, Kyle Orton, Reggie Wayne (he’ll still do damage, regardless of who his QB is), the Ravens D (soft schedule) and Nate Keading (duh)

Wees Hates He: Jets offense, Matt Forte, whoever the Saints’ kicker is, Giants D (whatever’s left of them), Sam Bradford and Percy Harvin

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: AJ Green, Greg Little, Beanie Wells, Chris Cooley, and Cool Chrissie

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

and juss cause…

you’re not from Maryland, so of course you don’t and will never understand how beautiful and awesomes these unis are

your state’s flag sucks.  ours doesn’t

Andy Rooney and we are the same person

I like the month of January better than July because if I’m cold I can put on another piece of clothing, but in the summer, if it’s hot, there’s just so much I can take off.  I like vanilla better than chocolate,  football better than baseball, the color green better than blue, women in skirts better than in pants, non-fiction better than fiction, and New York better than Los Angeles. I don’t object to cutting my fingernails, but I hate cutting my toenails.

from his article: I Prefer My Preferences

The World Cup was nice and all, and sure, we even like a da baseball again after a 10ish year hiatus, but there’s only one real sport worth caring about: FOOOOOTBALLSZZZ!!!! and it’s back, and so is our preview!!! C-3PO once said ‘here we go again‘, but he also has a metal penis, so take that for what tits worth…

NFC East

This division is not as good as it used to be, or that anyone makes it out to be.  It’s kinda like Lady Gaga, cept the NFC East has history and Lady Gaga has a whopping total of 1.5 albums.  Well, Gaga will go poop-poop soon (we pray to the lord, John Lennon, that that does happen), and these bruisers will poop-poop each other out of the playoff picture, cause we said so.  Somehow the Redskins (9-7) will top them all, and make the Eagles (8-8) pay dearly for dealing them McNabb (times have certainly changed, as we no longer refer to him as ‘McScabb’)… if he stays healthy the whole year.  That’s a big IF, but not as big as the movie If…..  The Cowboys (7-9) will be about as good as Jerry Jones was playing himself on Entourage.  As for the G-Wo-Men (8-8), one more smack to Eli’s Frankenstein stitched head and you can kiss their season goodbye & Tom Coughlin’s crypt-keeper face from the Giants sideline.  Although, as a Skins fan, we hope he sticks/stinks around cause he blows more than The 400 Blows Part III!!!!

Boo-nus link: watch some dude rub a microphone on Albert Haynesworth’s face, at LenWhale White’s b-day party

NFC North

Vikes (13-3) or the Pack (11-5)?  Favre or the dude who took his job, Jesus in a helmet?  Both will make the payoffs, and hopefully sex-boat parties will be had by all.  The Lions (6-10) won’t be as awful as recent times (or their new look logo & unis) would suggest, and we secretly love them, but mainly cause of their all you can eat ticket option.  And what about the Bears (5-11)?  It doesn’t matter if Mike Martz or a bag of farts is running that offense, cause Jay Cutler is more like Gay Smutler and it makes zero sense how he could bag someone like Kristin Cavallari or even somenone like Kristen Schaal, although we’d take on both at the same time.  How did this team make the Super Bowl a few years back?  Was Rex Grossman the secret weapon?  Is that the only time that has ever appeared in print/interwebs????

Boo-nus link: Ragnar might not be a household name to you and we, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to have the human Viking mascot show up at our Bar Mitzvah!

NFC South

The Saints (13-3) have gots it so good.  They come from the home of Popeyes, finally won the big game, and no one would ever root against them, cept hurricanes and people who hurt puppies.  They also happen to be in a division of stain shits.  The Panthers (6-10)?  Matt Moore = less.  The Bucs (4-12)?  Can you name their starting QB, RB, wideouts, or better yet, their coach?  That leaves the Falcons (9-7) to give the Who Datters the only competition they’ll get.  This division has purty colors, but bores us, and we have nothing more to say on the matter

Boo-nus link: we miss Jerry Glanville, but he has yet to leave us.  watch him plead his case to become the host of the Portland Music Awards

NFC West

This West is truly wild, like Jack Wild or that awesome old game show Joker’s Wild or Oscar Wilde riding Mr Toad’s Wild Ride while getting a mustache ride on Rollie Fingers’ fork/fu&kball.  THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALLLLL!!!!!  The 49ers (6-10) seem to be a bit overrated, don’t theys?  Sure, they have some key players, but they also have Alex Smith as their quarterback.  Smells like mediocrity to we.  The other three squads are all in some sorta transition, be it the Rams (6-10), who are taking a chance on rookie Samnmy Bradford, or the Cardinals (6-10), who handed their playbook over to Derek Anderson.  This being the same Derek Anderson who got run out of Browns town, yet is apparently better than Matt Leinart, which is like being better than scurvy.  Somehow, some way, the Seahawks (8-8) w/Pete Carroll running away from that USC mess, will get this NFL team to play like his old college team, which basically was an NFL team anywayszzzz, and make the big-little dance

Boo-nus link: breast news ever: TESSA IS BACK AS A SEAGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeds:
#1 Nawlins (13-3, the get the #1 by beating Mini in game 1!)
#2 Miniature Soda (13-3)
#3 Redskins (9-7??????????!!!)
#4 Seattle (8-8)
#5 Green Bay (11-5)
#6 The ATL (9-7)

NFC Champs: The Pack beat Seattle, Favre and then Brees to make it to the Super Bowl.  who will they play?  found out in our AFC Pee-view, coming soon and on your face!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Ryan Grant, Kellen Winslow, Santana Moss + the Favre & Visanthe Shiancoe combo

Wees Hates He: the Panthers offense, Larry Fitz, Matt Ryan & Tony Gonz, Percy Harvin and his headaches

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Golden Tate, Brandon Jacobs, Brandon Pettigrew, Sam Bradford and anyone named Mike Williams

peeweeviously:

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

stay pooned for the AFC one!

and juss cause…