Thighs Wide Shut

another year, another spot of fun

oh, and the non-arcade game stuff was nice and stuff!

and A Ross Kakoji remains our hero amongst men of a certain age

TRON: Legacy
Mild Digital Penetration
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You should care less what we, you and everyone we bloat thinks of the TRON sequel, delivered 28 years after its first light cycle. Only one man’s opinion counts and that’s Tron Guy‘s.  Slain and pimple, he loved the first one, and the rest of us didn’t really.  That’s what qualifies him above us, and he could straight-up tell us whether the 2.0 disc hits the target or strayed too far off the grid.  But Disney wanted nothing to do with Jay Maynard and his male camel toe, 5reals, and we haven’t yet heard him have his say even with that jilt, T-Guy still found the new one to be ‘In-f****ing-credible‘.  Do you really need to know anything else?  Do you????  You don’t cause nothing else matters but that man’s opinion, and happiness [his full review is HERE!!!]

But you want our opinion, right?  And?  And juss like the original, it’s breathtakingly boring.  Not necessarily a misfire, but not necessarily setting our minds ablaze (getting blazed before a showing is recommended).  In a byte-shell, it’s TRON 1 with better turb-grafx times 16.  That’s that.  OK, it’s a little bit more than that, like this…

Jeff Bridges is stuck in an old computer, but the computer aint no Jessica Tandy anymore, and so instead of doing stuff, he lives like an Obi-Wan-Lebowski hermit, cause his younger alter ego self runs shiz, and he has a clue, cause his name is Clu, and ya know what, it’s purty ammazin how far CGI has come from the Jar Jar stinkage to the curious case of Jeffrey Buttons’ younging in Legacy (see above photo)

so while Obi-Wan-Lebowski Flynn plots his next move, he engages in a lot of yoga and hangs out in a 2001 style glowing cave home

and occasionally, he’ll take a trip to the big A.I. city to catch his favorite discus team, The TRON Toe Maple Leafs!!!

but he stays away from the shady bars filled with overly hammy and overly glammy David Bowie fanatics like Michael Sheen, or something

but why would he want to stay home since Daft Punk isn’t playing there, cause they’re playing at the shady bar, that’s a lot less shady than the one filled with death stickers!!!!  btw, Daft Punk were the bestest characters in the whole movie.  9reals!!!  And anytime we hear their score used in the film, we sorta care about those bits, and when we don’t, we don’t.  if there’s one reason TRON 2 had to eggist, it was so that we the people could see what it would look like if Daft Punk DJed in the world of TRON!!!!!

and at the Daft Punk party, there are like wicked hot Metropolis machine-man women (below, Beau Garrett) that you’ll want to make love to, but they’re all about the 1s & 0s and less about 69s (it’s a Disney movie, for Pete’s dragon’s sake!)

but that matters little to Obi-Wan-Lebowski, cause his bland son Garrett Hedlund transported into the computer by way of his Dad’s old arcade that isn’t as dope as Funspot, but what is?  you can even play TRON there!!  (note to you-self: GO TO FUNSPOT b4 you die)

and so dad & son are finally reunited, and both totally want to get wet & Olivia Wilde with her faux-Louis Brooks do, and the three of them have to like save discs and get back to the real world or else!!! or something!!!!

but where’s Tron from TRON?  We see Scarecrow (Bruce Boxleitner), but only in the real world.  in the Tandy world, he’s there, but he isn’t, but he is.  And where’s Cindy Morgan????  Is Cindy the real Mrs King?

and what is the deal with James Frain being a 7th rate Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg???

The end!  OR IS IT??????????????

Oh wait, did we mention that Doogie Howser’s mom was in it?

Punk’d: there were a lot of fake Daft Punk TRON tunes floating about over the past year, and some of them were hactually really darn good

Verdictgo: how you feel about 1 will dictate how you feel about 2, and thus, for eye poppin technical wizardry alone, we say low low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

TRON legates at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

one trip to Funspot is never enuff,  so we made a second trip there this past weekend (especially since Crossbow & Fire Truck were out of order last time and weren’t this time!!!).  and since new ye olde games (how come we’ve never played the sorta recent Crazy Taxi before????) keep getting rotated into the mix at the world’s largest arcade, two trips aint gonna suffice none neither.  here’s some Arcade Flyers of sum of them new ye olde beauties we coin-opted to flidazzle riznazzle

do yerself a flavor and add Funspot, right below Graceland, on places to visit before you die

& if you haven’t already, find some way to watch the doc Chasing Ghosts: Beyond The Arcade, which, if you can believe it, is > than The King of Kong

now that The Old Man of the Mountain has crumbled more than a presidential campaign run by his brother John Kerry, a new thing hath since becometh the bestest thing to hail from our 9th state, New Hampshire, and it goes by the name of Funspot

fo those of yous who saw the franztastic doc King of Kong, you probably remember this as the place Steve Wiebe earned his crown, but fo the rest of you alls, lest this serve as a giant wake-up call as it’s a place (right behind Graceland and the Kingdom of Thighland) to make a pilgrimage to befive you dies. if you were an arcade gamer in the 80s, or ever wanted to know what it was like back then (we pity the fool you), then you MUSS get yer a$$ to Mars Funspot, and specifically, to their American Classic Arcade Museum section. LOOK AT THIS FRIGGIN FARGIN LIST O GAMES!!!! tits a gamer’s wet dream come true and all over one’s pants (the only ones missing in our books be Baby Pac Man and Haunted House pinball). most of the old schooly games are only a token. $20 gets you 80 tokens + a bonus of 50!!! that’s MO than a enuff to keep you busy for hours and hours of powers and powers!!!!

all hail the King of Kong!!!

WIEBE!!

anywho, Kid Kadoji and we used a visit to our pal Tom Welling: Greatest Actor EV‘s Shirehamp lake house paddy-pad as an eggcuse to go to the F-Spot (or was it the other way around?). everyone had such a gay olde thyme there (sadly we didn’t have enuff gay olde thyme for duckpin bowling, air hockey, kiddie bumper cars or bingo. yes Funspot also has BINGO!) that we’re gonna invite ourselves back to TW:GAE’s place next summer so we can keep feeding our Crystal Castles addiction (BK’s splendid Barcade will fill in our arcading void in the interim). anywho rd2, we took some fotos, and here they is, but fotos could never replace the actual experience of slipping money into metal slots. THE LOOSEST SLOTS IN ALL OF NEW ENGLAND!!!

doesn’t get more klassic than the OG Star Wars game

cause nuttin beats blowin up the Death Star over & over & over

another of our balls thyme faves, esp the mine car riding part

too bad there aint a level where you get to whip George Lucas

man, we’re juss as awful at Paperboy as we used to be!

hactually, all these old games are forkin umpossible!!

TRON!

almos as confusing and as lame as the original movie!

we gots more Elevator Action this July

then we did regular action

SKATE OR DIE!!!

eat it Anderson Cooper & yer 360 BS!!!

biggest waste of tokens mt EVERest: Dragon’s Lair

but nuttin beats its look, spanks to Don Bluth!

2nd biggest waste of tokens mt EVERest: Space Ace

which is D Lair’s flashier, butter playing brother

wait, they made a real game out of the fictional game in C & D?

either way, that game sucked!
but the movie didn’t!
go Dabney Coleman!!!

POOYAN!

it sez POO!!!

pee es – we were a lil depressed that the Crossbow and Fire Truck games were out of order :(

pee es 2 – the folks over at Joystiq made a visit as well and took an a$$ load of (butter) pics!