Thighs Wide Shut

Wonder Woman
Some Kind of Not So Wonderful
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

I was all for Wonder Woman, the character and the actress playing her, but not so much for the Patty Jenkins movie.  lemme explain, in imagery…

there was a land of nothing but ladies and I was all for that.  ZZ Top would be too

but for some reason, all the women had accents like Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky, and it was strange to hear Robin Wright do a Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky imitation 

–

but it’s all good, cause they descended from Zeus and they tell us their HERstory thru like some pretty cool moving paintings or something

and we follow the growings up of the youngest of this all lady crew – Diana, who’s that super hot Israeli chick from 9 Fast 19 Furious – Gal Gadot, and then we’re like ‘Oh, I’ll follow her, wherever she goes!!  Hopefully to like a shower scene!!‘

but then dreamy Captain Kirk shows up

and when men, and war are introduced, the movie turns into a 1/2 rate version of the first Captain America movie

where our villains are more cookie-cutter than villains made from a cookie cutter

including one that’s like a female version of that 1/2 face dude from Boardwalk Empire (who is the nephew to the other baddie in the movie, Danny Huston)

and these bad peoples are beyond obsessed with gas, but not the funny kind

but before our heroine and her blue-eyed boy friend (he’s a boy, who’s a friend) can fight evil and their gas, she must first hide her sexy costume in the demur WWI-era clothings, so why not a give your fanboy & fangirl audience exactly what they want – a trying on clothing montage!

and then waste more time talking to mustachioed generals (one being David Thewlis, who certainly has rebounded from being in The Island of Dr Moreau), who look like they’re on the cover of Stratego

and then we’re introduced to a set of pointless sidekicks (apologies to actors I truly love, Ewen Bremner & Saïd Taghmaoui, but your characters were cardboard lameness, a breath of hot air, and a waste of everyone’s time – even Wonder Woman’s – she doesn’t need your help!!), including a Native American for no reason (apologies to you Eugene Brave Rock, who I’m sure is a lovely man)

and then it’s like a WWI trench movie, but like the least interesting one you’ve seen

and then there’s more boring stuff that takes like 19292929ever, and then it eventually turns into one giant Zack Snyder bunk-a$$ DC movie, where there’s all this dark darkness stuff, and nothing but destruction, and it sucks a$$$$, and for some reason, our final round bad guy is Sauron from LOTR

and then after all that, the movie is basically over, and I was like, WTF????, was this a movie about Wonder Woman, or like a WWI movie about a bunch of dudes and proto-Nazis, and all of it wasn’t really that interesting, and was actually kinda corny, and didn’t include any shower scenes with Wonder Woman in it???!!!!

Again, I’m all for Wonder Woman, and the actress, but not for this movie.  I know there will be another movie (not including the Justice League one,which looks so retched, I won’t even bother to see it), but can they at least make the next one less manly, less dark, and more showery??? C’mon guys,
this isn’t rocket scientology – it’s a hot chick in a hot outfit, kicking a$$.  Keep it simple, and showery

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Woman is not quite Wonderful at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

6 Fast 6 Furious
Resurrection Intersection Erection
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 130 min

Dude, name me a movie franchise (BESIDES THE JAMES BONDies) that’s still going pedal to the medal in its 6th round.  NAME ONE????  (OK, maybe Star Trek, but Star Trek had so many duds, and they changed the cast multiple times over).  You can’t name one (OK, maybe the original set of Planet of The Apes movies, which are ALL SO GOOD, even the bad ones), and that’s why The Fast & The Furious series may (end up) be(ing) America’s greatest (dumb fun) movie franchise ever (besides the Jackass and Step Up franchisesezes).  You may laugh at that notion, but not even Star Wars could make fun happen 6 times.  Now I’m not saying that all (or any) of the Fast & Furious movies is are masterpieces (two of em are basically worthless – #3 & #4), but for what they are – they are amazing.  They are pieces of (metal) crap, but the F&F movies know this and feed on it, pushing the ridiculousnessness to new extremes each & every time, while actually trying to keep a straight face when doing so.  The result?   Endless laughter and excitement and awesomeness.  You can keep your Whedon Avengers, cause I’ll stick with Justin Lin‘s 6 Fast 6 Furious.  I’ll take a tank exploding out of a truck(!!!) AND a car exploding out of a giant plane (!!!!!) over Superheros ho-hum/humdrummingly destroying CGI buildings (for the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn^th time).  + I’ll take all the crummy dialog that goes along with it

So what’s Fast 6 Furious 6 about?  Do you even care?  It’s like 5, but MORE and BETTER, and even more DUMB and FUN.  But this one’s got Michelle Rodriguez BACK FROM THE DEAD!  HOWWW????  WHO CARES, SHE’S BACK AND SO FAST, AND SO FURIOUS!!!  And they got a good baddie (Luke Evans), and another lady who can kick, and has an ass (Gina Carano), and a super huge Danish dude (Kim Kold) who needs to play The Rock‘s friend or nemesis in every movie he’s in going forward.  But 6ast 6urious isn’t perfect.  They coulda trimmed off about 30 minutes from this thing (like what was with that scene where The Rock and Ludacris make some guy give them the clothes off of his back and his watch and stuff??), and The Rock has a little-lot bit TOO much testosterone for a movie that isn’t short of terone des testos, and that Asian guy is so boring and lame, and undeserving of touching or even looking at Gal Gadot, who doesn’t have nearly enuff nekkid shower scenes (total count – zero), but this is all minor quibble squabbles, which aint nothings to squabble quibbles about when THERE ARE VEHICLES EXPLODING OUT OF OTHER VEHICLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In its 6th iteration, the Fast/Furious franchise seems to be hitting its stride.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!??!?  And after the giant TEASE [spoiler, don’t click] they be showing no signs of SLOWING down for #7.  CANNOT WAIT!!!!  In all honesty, I hope they continue to make these movies for the next 100 years.  If I make it to 90 years of age, I’ll force my grandchildren to take me to see 22 Fast 22 Furious, but only if they drive slowly

Also, Tyrese Gibson is the secret weapon of this whole franchise.  Without Tyrese Gibson, you have nothing.  Tyrese Gibson is life.  Tyrese Gibson needs his own vehicle vehicle movie franchise –  Tyrese Tyfurious.  If there is a god, he will make that happen

oh, and THIS!

Verdictgo: this is a 92728 star movie, but we don’t do stars so it’s BEYOND BREAST IN SHOW!!!

6 Fast 6 Furious rules the streets and theaters near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fast Five
New Model, Same Make That Makes Our Day
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

Justin Lin‘s Five Fast Five Furious (what the film should really be called) is the best Fast/Furious film since #2.  Is that really saying much?  No, but like Prom, it’s eggzactly what it needs to be – fast cars and the lunkheads who drive them, hot woman surrounding them, and dialog so basic that it couldn’t even be written in Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code.  There was one scene in particular that took the cake, made us cackle for a full minute, and summaries the film and series as a whole:  Newbie/hottie Elsa Pataky has a case file in her hand and says ‘this doesn’t make any sense‘.  Her (also Fast rookie) superior  Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson takes the file in hand, sez ‘here’s what makes sense‘ and tosses it aside with much anger.  It so ridiculous that it almost must be seen to believed, and while udderly laughable, it’s eggzactly the kind of scene a Fast/Furious movie needs.  It’s a perfect self-reflexive moment of juss how testosteroned and over-the-top the whole affair is, and anything less would be uncivilized

So what’s new?  NOTHING, cept for the location, and the change is for the better.  The action takes place in Rio and its favelas, and even though this may not be no City of God, it’s a city of good… dumb fun.  Not only are Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster back behind the wheel, but so are there friends from the other installments like Tyrese Gibson (no one delivers more predictable and pathetic one-liners that audiences eat-up more than he does!), Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang, ultra fly Gal Gadot, Tego Calderon and Don Omar.  And what is this ‘dream team’ assembled to do?  Something like burn the dirty money of the Portuguese Phil Hartman (Joaquim de Almeida) or something, BUT WHO CARES WHEN THE CARS GO SO FAST AND THE WOMEN ARE SO HOT AND THERE ARE LIKE 3 TOTALLY WICKED RAD ACTION SEQUENCES, which are well worth the price of admission and admission that it’s OK to love refarted flicks like this.  RIDE ON!!!!

Fast Women: you already know about Israeli Gal Gadot (she’s like a taller, finer Natalie Portman!!)

but what about Spanish hottress Elsa Pataky?????

she’s far from tacky!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

5 is alive and well at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Date Night
30 Crock
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In Date Night, Steve Carell and Tina Fey try their bestest to make magic happen on an evening out on the town, away from the suburbs and the kiddies, but trouble lurks in every corner (including the world famous non-existent alleyways of New York City), and that trouble is a middling script and plot that handcuffs this NBC thynamic comedy duo from start to finish

Fear not, as laughter does live within, but the good kind we wants and deserve is rarer here than an Inverted Jenny and the pedestrian kind we gets served more of is mo common than Common appearing as a tough guy in a movie… which is egggzactly what he’s doing here.  Poor Common.  If only he was a little more un-Common!!

There shouldn’t be any sticker shock, especially if you examined the sticker before entering.  It’s directed by the guy who called the shots on the new Pink Panther, Cheaper By The Dozen and Night At The Museum (he loves nights AND crap!), with writing work from a Farrelly brother production alumnus, who could done us all one better had he infused some of their slapstick humor instead of juss gently slapping our knees

Have you seen Adventures In Babysitting?  If so, then you’ve already seen a rich man’s version of Date Night.  Seriously.  The only thing DN‘s got over AIB is a killer casting director, who seemed to have their pick from all walks of Hollywood life for the supporting roles (Mark Wahlberg, Taraji P. Henson, J.B. Smoove, Ray Liotta, the one, the only William Fichtner + maybe will one day be the one, the only Jimmi Simpson) and even for the nothing, appears for only 2 second roles (Leighton Meester, Kristen Wiig, Mark Ruffalo, James Franco and Mila Kunis)

So do yerself a flavor, save the babysitter monies and make this potential date night out with yer loved one a rental night at home.  But if you muss see it ASAP, than you muss, and all we can say then is that it’s better than Get Smart, even if it needs some smart getting of its own

Jewish Non-American Princess: remember Gal Gadot?  we never forgots after seeing her light up the barely lit 4 Fast 4 Furious, and we wills never will forgets her, herspecially if she continues to stay so dangszzz HOTTTT on-screen and off.  someone make her a Bond girl, or at least the Queen of our castle, and by castle we mean the large thing between our thighs

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Date goes blind at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fast & Furious
Not So Fast and/or Furious
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We knew going into the definite article-less Fast & Furious that it wasn’t going to be a David Lean film, but this mindless entertainment wasn’t even close to being as mindless or entertaining as it needed to be. You’d think a fourth installment of anything would constitute everything gettin bigger and badder, so why throw yer thirsty audience something weaker and worser? There be many things mad wrong with this movie, and it really has nothing to do with Paul Walker‘s lack of acting chops or his crisps or Vin Diesel‘s ribbed shirts, for her pleasure. There’s way too much pointless plotting (leave the drug cartel bidness bustin up to Crockett & Tubbs) and way too few car chases and crashes. We don’t care about the drivers, we care about what they’re driving, and the skinny bizatches who get wet when they’re revved up. Speaking of, there was way too little Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster lesbian shower scenes. Actually there were none, but that doesn’t piss us off as much as the wrongest thing about this whole thing: the film wasn’t called 4 Fast 4 Furious. No one takes this shiz seriously, so why not name it 4F4F? As a franchise looking to the future, The Fast & The Furious mos def has wheels, albeit ones that looks mighty tiresome. Hopefully they’ll get it right next time, and at least call it 5 Fast 5 Furious

Gal Pal: meat Gal Gadot, a former Ms Israel who be mad ga-hot!!!

Verdictgo: not sirprizing, but nonetheless still disappointed that it’s Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

4 Fast 4 Furious is currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…