Thighs Wide Shut

Chris Isaak
Beacon Theater
Aug 17th, 2006

In the history of man, there are only three that I’d go 400% gay for, no preguntas asked: Jude Law, Damon Albarn, and Alexander the Grape (green helmets really turn me on for some reason). Whoops, I omitted someone. Someone very special. No, not Chris Burke, but the dude who hasn’t aged a day over 31 and who’s perfect singing voice could probably make any female’s pelvic region gush more than the falls that the car goes over in Romancing The Stone at the drop of a hat…tie mcdaniel’s oscar, being dropped! It’s the dude who’s song I hearded and hearted in the fantaboulous David Lynch film, which was lucky enuff to be sangwhiched between Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks, Wild At Heart. Spunkily for us all, the Lynch directed film helped said song and said dude find a wider audience, but happarently the Lynch directed music video was not jib cutting enuff, so Herb Ritts went out and created a 2.69 versh that when dropped in the Feb of the ’91 on an un-suck-specting world instantly scratch-offedly become the sexiest music video of BALLS THYME

Dearest Chris, Helena, & Herb^±,

Thanks for taking part in the mos JOing-iest music video of all time. Like those stoopid women who never realized men didn’t want to bang them until they read He’s Just Not That Into You, it never dawned on me that I wanted to nail super hot topless chicks with crazy dark eye make-up on black & white beaches while cumulonimbus clouds that not even Bob Ross could wet dream up float at the speed of Speed Racer using the eraser at the bottom of a number 1 pencil until I was 14 years of age and I made dirty to the beautiful images Adam Curry was pumping into my rent’s living room. How can I ever repay you? Besides ceasing and desisting from sending this same eggzact letter to you each and every day?

K.I.T. (keep in touch!)

Xoxoxoxo,

Thigh Maestro

wait, what the fork were we blathering blatherskiting about? Oh yeah, how much we’d totally bone Chris Isaak, even if he force-fed us microwaved tunafish covered in microwaved gefilte fish. We’ve felt this way ever since the ’91, but to be honest, the man hasn’t been much on our radar o’reilly screens since our copy of Baja Sessions arrived in the mail spanks to my 818th account under an assumed name at BMG Music Service. Spank the lord then that CI was still on my list of muss see performers before they or I perish (alongside such luminaries as Neil Diamond and ABBA, but not such luminaries as Eric Clapton and Bob Dylan) cause otherwise he may have completely been Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minded out of my mind for all eternaltality (besides the off chance of catching Fire Walk With Me, Married To The Mob, The Silence of the Lambs, or Little Buddha on the telly)

I was a bit skeptical at first when Chrissy came out on stage (probably juss the bad acid flashbacks I get from time to time of the Huey Lewis & The News Bowery Ballroom show I saw where they started off playing 10 new songs that no one wanted to hear… hispecially the dude who kept screaming ‘GHOSTBUSTERS!’), but I was easily put at ease like Eazy-E eating Easy Cheese at Chuck E Cheese’s after a few songs in when Chris himself climbed 2 flights of stairs to visit us peons in the cheap seats (btw, probably the bestest 30 clams I spent on balcony seats mt everest)! And from dat point on my pelvic area began to gush along with all the other ladies’ cause Isaak’s croontastic voice was crisper and clearer than Coco Crisp heartily enjoyin a bowl of Cookie Crisp soaked in Crystal Pepsi. He so rocks. He so rules. He so fine he blew my mind. He has the so bestest hair. The so bestest complexion. I bet he drives a hot car. I bet he gets hot carls in that hot car in the drive-thru window at Carl’s Jr. Did I mention that in the encore that he wore a mirrorball suit? You can’t get much kooler and the ganger than that! If it did, I’d probably have to cut off my johnson and send it to him in the mail

set list (+ mo from the Leg Humpinidness of the Knobbery)

* Lonely With a Broken Heart
* Let’s Have a Party
* Let Me Down Easy
* Speak of the Devil
* Dancin’
* Somebody’s Crying
* Wicked Game
* Go Walking Down There
* King Without a Castle
* One Day
* Want You To Want Me (Cheap Trick cover)
* Here I Stand
* Two Hearts
* Except the New Girl^Â¥
* Graduation Day
* Can’t Do a Thing to Stop Me
* I Love You Too Much
* Only the Lonely (Roy Orbison cover)
* Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing
* Don’t Be Cruel (Elvis cover)
* Gone Ridin’
Encore
* Blue Hotel
* San Francisco Days
* Bonnie Bee
* Blue Spanish Skies

If you read this far and don’t give two Massive-two-shits about the Isaak, I implore you to investigate one of the more underrated artists of the past 20 years. Start with the obvious (Heart Shaped World< /a>), knock out his bestest nextus (San Francisco Days), and then get yer own pelvic region flowin with another goodie but not so oldie (Forever Blue). Truss the man and you’ll be as right as Rain Pryor

Nobody loves no-one
unless of corpse
yer the effin TM
and you totally want to bone Chris Isaak

this posting was not sponsored in part by Kathleen Turner Overdrive

^±even though Herb peaced the fork 4 years ago, I still send his estate a letter per day

^Â¥I always thought he was saying ‘Accept The Nude Girl’ [d fo yo self and never listen to it again the same 4eva]

Superman Returns
A Lotta Highs & Lois
Trailers

My eggsectations for Supe’s return were lower than drinking a Lowenbrau mixed with Sweet n Low while watching Sweet & Lowdown on the DL in Australia. I know, that’s purty low, but what is one to think when all the recent superhero movies have been nothing short of recent Martin Short debacles? Well, with the bar set lower than JFKJr’s bar exam scores, it would either play out hexactly as I imagined or have nowhere to go but up, up, and AWAY!!! And while not nearly as great as the first two Donner kebabs joints, although it tries real hard at emulating both, it does help to ease the pain that was # III (aka Richard Pryor skies down a building) & IV (aka Mariel Hemingway’s quest for a piece of a$$). Hell, this is Bryan Singer’s bestest flick since Apt Pupil The Usual Suspects.

My real pre-flick suspicion for suspect sussing all came from the movie’s principle casting. Routh mouth? The dypoopic duo from ’04’s Death to Smoochy Award recipent? NO CUTHBEST? How would this ever work? Well beyond the sea, and beyond belief!! Routh filled the red boots to a T, unlike Hayden Christensen, who filled the black boots with a big fat F. Kevin Spacey, who coulda easily baked a hammy ham as Lex Luthor, dials up a D for delicious… with much help from Parker Posey, flubs course. And the Boosworth? Enuff goodness for me to think that casting Cuthbest woulda been a huge mistake. Yep, she done good. So done good that I am OFFICALLY LIFTING MY JIHAD/FATWA AGAINST KATE BOSWORTH. Yep, no more boosworths coming from my fingers (unlike her on and offer Orlando Boo who’s perma on my shitlist). I mean, how could one lash out against the only real JOable Lois? And if any of you admit to JOing to Margot, I’d say that u’d be Kiddering me! (+ everyone knows that Karen Allen woulda made for a great lates 70s LL). But my flav outta the newbies? Sam Huntington‘s Tucker Carlsoned Jimmy Olsen. Dude’s probably already gottsen more a$$ than Marc McClure has in his entire life.

Oh, you still reading my dribble off of Rob Dibble’s chest? But lemme guess, you aint mucha fan of Supes Ret, right? A bit pissed that there be no plot? Well, if you want plots bitch, go to a cemetery. I’ll take this homage fromage rehash that will reap mad cash and keep me hankerin greenberg fo mo any day. Plus, what other movie coming out gonna have Marlon saying ‘Krip-tin’ again?

Recommended for those who like: Roger O Thornhill’s train bang, Robert Baccalieri Jr‘s hobby, and the faux Nikita

Possible Porno Name: Superman Returns The Favor With A Rusty Trombone

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Max Fleischer’s Superman cartoons [YouTubeness]

Apt MPupil3: ladell betts you couldn’t see these ones a cummin… ‘Jimmy Olsen’s Blues’ by The Spin Doctors [d] or ‘Superman’ by REM [d] or ‘Somebody Save Me’ by Remy Zero [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Lex’ sugar mommy, Noel Neill, played Lois Lane is the ye olde Superman TV shows as well Lois’ young mum in the 1978 Superman movie. Also, Bo the bartender, Jack Larson, played Jimmy Olsen in the same George Reeves’ joints as NN

This Weak’s Cosine of the Apocalypse: Kumar gets his comeuppance in Van Wilder 2: Rise of the Taj. If we count our lucky stars, maybe it’ll open the same weekend as Evan Almighty

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth All The Mr Peepers

What, you want a second opinion? We don’t normally do this, but what here at Thighs is normally? We’re anormally. So we got our collaborator, chief blesser, and super Supes fan Tom Wellington to throw his 3 cents in (possible spoliers)…

why is it that the moments in that movie that
moved me the most were
the moments that were direct references from my childhood
the titles zooming like they did
the way superman flies off at the end
exactly like the end of part 2
wtf?
i mean
the movie was good
i really enjoyed it
and i’m completely gay for brandon routh
but really
lois lane has no ass and small tits
erica durance is WAY FUCKING BETTER
okay okay
the scene with the plane crashing that you see in the trailer
that’s great
really and truly great
but it’s sort of like a lousy lay with a great
looking partner
they blow their load way too soon
then you’re left cuddling
cuddling with a great
looking partner mind you
but really
wtf?
after that
…
we learn that kumar is a real dick when not stoned
and…
oh yeah
s-dude is bullet proof
EVEN IN THE EYE!!!!
who would have thought!!!!
okay…
and also…
hmmm….
the kid
who should have been played by THE KID
okay
there was that
and….
oh
by the way
thank you bryan singer for
making me explain
where babies come from
to my 7 year old
so the kid made sense
thanks
okay
what else….
new suit
yeah
new suit
and…
okay
whatever
it was all really well done
but
why did s-dude leave
what was the big secret?
ohhh
the filmmakers are keeping that a big secret
what could it be?
ohhe…
ummm…
went home because somebody saw
something in the sky
but it was for no reason and nothing was learned
and what was learned
had no philosophical impact on the plot or anyone
on earth at all
including s-guy!
and don’t tell me that it made
him realize that
he’s the last one of his kind
and now he’s got to stay here
we all knew that in 1978
and if it had some effect on him
it sure didn’t
change anything he did AT ALL
oh
we do know that ma kent is not nearly as much a
MILF as the WB would
have us believe
okay
and the end…
the end went on FOR FUCKING EVER
they should have ended the movie with s-dude in
the stadium and lois unconscious
but i did enjoy it
but it’s been all of one day since i saw it and
it’s already receding
to the part of my brain where i keep
the second MATRIX movie
and
CROP CIRCLES: SIGNS FROM SPACE?

ultimately the best movie ever
(based on his binary rating system that dubs each movie either the Best or Worst EVER)