Thighs Wide Shut

Aint old enuff to buy yer own beatoff matz, or wish you could go back to days the pre-pube-best-ants? Tune yer peepage and hold yer pee-pee-nis in yer hand this Friday as a new Miss USA will be crowned, in Baltimore of all friggin places. My money and the honey all over my junk is on Ms Penn, whose station I totally want to park my love train sil’vain-YA in. Bonus lotion and tissue points for having Nancy O’Bestest co-hostin.

Gran’ma’s gonzo so it’s safe to loaf the Fiery Furnaces again. Their new album Bitter Tea drops today and they’ll be at the Bowery Ballroom Wednesday. Think I’m gonna be there? Whatta you sphinx? Sample the goods: ‘Benton Harbor Blues’ [d]

How many Orson Welles undiscovered hatchet-jobbed movies are there out there? I have no idea, but I’ve never heard of his Mr. Arkadin and I can’t wait to watch all three versions that the good folks over at the Criterion Collection have assembled into one lil package!

Grow a penis and join myspace already!! Why? So you can be my friend, or I’ll let you think that I’m yer friend you pathetic mushroom licker! And more importantly, get phat invites to free shit, like the Franz Ferdinand show doctor’s appointment I attended Friday afternoon

So what’s yer lame-a$$ eggscuse for not DVR/TiVoing Pardon The Interruption? Well, you gots none no mo you pod heads as PTI is now available for p-casting! Cozy up to these sweet sounds of Kornheiser before he makes his mark for good in the MNF booth

Drink Coke. Jack White does, and so does anyone else with taste [vis Modge Podge]

Go bowling in Harlem! Wait, their prices are like fity cents cheaper than Bowlmor‘?! Wha the le forge? Yer better off saving that money and smokin the world’s best endo in Haarlem

We already told you that the Eels are comin to yer town, and if u enter this contest you can win a pair of tix when they does… unless of course yer a NYer, cause the show’s already free

Please, watch Invasion!! It’s butter than Lost and the chicks are way hottier (even if there are only 4, and one is like 8, you sick fuck!). And if you do watch it, I promise to let a certain Sio wav file grace the pages of TWS.org again

Whilst we wait for the resurrection of the new Jesus, the 2nd Ave Deli, fly yoself to Florida and hit up this one [Dis-claim-her: wees never eaten at this deli, let alone been to Florida since we went to Universal Studios back in the ’91 and saw them filming the pilot ep for Clarissa Explains It All… I mean, is there any reason to go back to FLA after that?]

One to d this week: ‘Stop The Damns’ [d], Gorillaz b-side, off of ‘El Manana’ / ‘Kids With Guns’ single [Snatch de la Roachclipper Jonestown Massacre]

Who do college b-ball coaches hate more than Duke? Cancer! Buy tix to November’s annual classic semis and final NOW! I did, cause I hate cancer almost more than I hate Duke, Nazis, and Republicans

No shaving necessary this week folks, juss eat as many fried sweet yellow plantains (maduros) as humanly possible. Chocolate sauce optional, but recommended. Where to find the breast? Head on over to Malecon Restaurant II in the UWS. Even the great Alfred Molina dines there, and afterwards rapes women with his tentacle arms

I bringeth to you good news. Previously we reported that ABC was replacing the Heston Ten Commandments with the Mission Impossible bad guy version, but wees was wrong! The real Moses gets his proper, airing this Saturday night on ABC!

And now I give to you the 15 commandments [wav]

And for those of you in the dark (ages), guess what kinda supper Jesus’ last one was? An effin Passover Seder you ignint inquisitioners! That’s why the P-over and the Easter are always so close to each other. Now pray to our media and banks before we kill your first born with C Heston’s hot ass guns!

And now I give to you a random bearded picture of Moses juxtaposed with the always bearded Count Rugen! Why? COUNT RUGEN!!!

Gorillaz to put away the sunshine for good in a bag called Las Vegas? And the news gets more unluckier than the number slevin: that rumored ‘dirty’ Blur album aint droppin any time soon yos, ‘cordin to D Albs

By the gay, did you know that Madonna was virtual for 2 full minutes during her ‘duet’ with the Gorillaz at this past year’s Shammys? D-lode the studio version of their mash-up here [d vis ToxicAvenger]

30 sec clip of Gnarls Barkley’s ‘Crazy’ vid

Jarvis Cocker hearts cunts!

Conan is Chi-town gagged and bound. Get yer tickets you Grabowski jerkasses

Pikey disses’ Pierce’s 007 kisses

And while we’re gold Bonding it up, Connery’s dive may turn Casino Royale into a Royale with cheese-e-ness

Get keen on the new Keane track

Marylanders prove they have the bestest in taste. Everyone already knew they had the finest in flag [Mod Flanders]

Nebbish David Krumholtz enlisted for nebbish Woody Allen’s Nebbishpalooza ’06

t.A.T.u. Offical Store, COMING SOON! SWEEEEET!

And bet you never voted in Russian before!

Darth Maul, employed!

Magnapop, huge in the Benelux countries!

Harry Dean Stanton, dirtball, crooner

Remember the scene in Summer School where they’re taking their final? (not pictured)

Add to the list of crap I should buy with my BlogAds money: The GCE Vectrex

Tell me you’ve seen the inning from the ’86 World Series reenacted in RBI Baseball [spnx Thinker]

‘leia probed in ass by droid‘, #45 and rising!

Catchy Tunes of Sweden

10 Best Internet Spoofs

Bid on Ex AC/DC Tour Bus

Polish Movie Posters

#9

Jay Maynard‘s Finnish equivalent [DataProcessor]

Jammer aint king of SHIT!

the scariest rectum u did ever see [NSFW]

Pinder & friend visit the army, fully clothed. Morale, and boners, hit an all time low

and

THIS JUSS IN: Free NYC Franz Ferdinand Show Tomorrow Afternoon! Details HERE!

2) Give suggestions and feedback, by way of Yahoo! Groups, to the good folks behind the upcoming Bob Ross painting video game. Yes, you read that write, Bob Ross painting video game!! [vis Z Del Roachclip]

3) If you gots an AMEX card then go-go gadget get yer Tribeca Film Festival tix now, before all the goo shit is gone. Their on-line ticketing system kinda blows, but I aint gonna kvetch since a lot o the films are hactually playing in real movie theaters this year. Personally, I gotz pretty much all that I wanted + a bunch mo (14 total), sans the Jeff Garlin Cheese flick

4) Go gaga for the Dada eggzibit currently on display at DC’s National Gallery of Tarts. Don’t worry jew yorkers, it’ll hit MoMA in early June

5) Whether we like it or not, it’s Gaysball season, so go buy an effin hat already. I recommend pickin up any Franchise hat made by the geniuses of Twins Enterprise (can’t bee leave it took someone this long to make hats that look and feel like you’ve owned them for 2 years). The lamely named Lids is a good spot to get em, hispecially since when you buy one hat yer next one is 1/2 off. I myself mcnabbed a Nationals Brown Marlin dazzle and a STL blue flazzle (I hate baseball, yet I have three flavorite teams, go finger)

6) Catch me gettin my freak freak on at the Sounds or Ladytron shows, both at Irving Platz this week

7) Watch the bros Weinstein beat off on each other

8) See a Terrence Malick movie in theaters that probably won’t bore us to death. Days of Heaven opens at the Film Forum, home of the wurst seats in town, this Friday

9) Do not d-lode this tres awful cover of del Gorillaz’ ‘Feel Good Inc’ by the Editors [d vis A Giant]

10) Ensure that yer Invasion TiVo/DVR/Dildo season pass is all set to gogh, cause new episodes, FRYNALLY, start again next Wednesday

11) Looking for that one perfect travel companion? Try Bicycle brand cards’ Sudoku – 50 Puzzle pack on for size thighs

12) Mark April 25th on yer calendar

13) Pluck yer effin unibrow, you hairy bizatch!!

Dude,

To make a long story short, too late [wav], I went to the toon-less Gorillaz show on Sunday, sold my tickets to Wednesday’s show, so I could take in my Nats beating up on the Mets at Chez Ghetto Shea, in sub-zero April conditions, with the dude from Queensrÿche singing the national anthem and Jim Breüer throwing out the first pitch, so anywayz, the guy who bought my Wednesday tickets thought the tickets were for Thursday, so he shows up last night and BAMMM realizes his error. Tough luck. My heart goes out to you kid. But THEN, I’m sittin in my fat condo overlooking the Hudson, doing my laundry, washing my balls, you know, a typical Thursday night, a lightbulb goes off in my head (and I invented the flux capacitor) , and without further ado, I checked ole reliable (c’s list) for any desperate peeps trying to dump their Thursday night Gorillaz tix at the last minute. I contacted the only person who had left a cell # in their posting, cause it was proably too late to catch someone by email, and after haggling with him for all of 8 seconds, like I was Hacksaw Jim Dugan or something, I got him to sells it to me for 20 bones under its face + BS ticketbastard priced value. Turns out these seats were better than Sunday’s, the cartoons did work, Dennis Hopper did read, and once again, Ike Turner did wear something funky AND the Gorillaz did puts on one of the mos enjoyable 70 minutes anyone could have possib-bllyen ever did see. And you won’ts bee leave me, but I actually preferred the toon-less version on Sunday night. It’s the music, not the look. Someone pass that message along to the Strokes. Re-guard-lezzz, 2nd best Gorillaz show I’ve seen this week by far, and mos def bestest spontaneous moment of me’s in the 00’s. Albarn = albest, ad infinitum. Bless your soul

+ I spotted David Gilmour at the show, and possibly someone who looks like Nick Mason, or was it Richard Wright, or was it George Mason?
+ Music Snob turns his stalkin and smooching (?) towards Damon Albest… Lucky bastage

Now I feel kinda embarrassed that I dubbed tATu’s D&M album the tops o’ der year 0-5, not cause it’s tATu, cause they’re better than the Rolling Stones, but cause Demon Days deserved that honor, but not juss for last year, but of this new century, which is by far the wurstest century I’ve ever lived it. Thanks Republicans!!!

But is all the Gorillaz magic dunzo like dumbo drinkin that courvoisier?

Meanwhile, Albarn coconspirator Alex James has apparently been having a pow-wow with Betty Boo. Can you say ‘Wigwam’ by Wigwam [d, vis JJ Binks]… which juss happens to be the fourth breastest song of the week behind Ghostface + Wu-Tang’s ‘9 Milli Bros’ [d], Gnarls Bizzle ‘s ‘Gone Daddy Gone’, and of course, still at #1, WUBBA-WUBBA, ‘Crazy’, (you can find those ‘d’s two posts below, son!)

And

Cuthbest, officially Canandanada’s Patron of Sexy Hair

and

PINDERRR!!!

Good Girls 78, Bad Girls 75, OT

Women’s Final > Men’s Final/Joakim Noah’s facial expressions

Mandy Moore and Robin Williams are going to the chapel

Lenny Kravitz wishes he was is Jimi Hendrix

Martine McCutcheon and Richard E Grant drink tea

Shavlik Randolph and Louis Williams want to double team you [Navi Eht Elbirret]

Britney Spears parties with dwarves

Ashley Simpson does not need me

Bandwagon Boy goes into space

There’s no reason 2007 couldn’t have been 1997

Trevor’s mum is the breast

Doctor Who is the new William Shatner

He may or may not look particularly James Spaderish

Twin Peaks turns 16 this Saturday, and my dear Papa, 63. So who’s buying the black licorice? [ND Kalu]

‘One Wild Night,’ Beastie Boys: Rappers let 50 fans create movie of Madison Square Garden concert. The film turned out so well, the same 50 people have been challenged to make a Knicks telecast watchable. – Dan Steinberg and Desmond Bieler

Gawker stalks George Clooney

George Clooney stalks Gawker

Music Snob stalks Dangermouse, and his family while eating soul food

spreaking de Deutsche of…

time for a

Muzak BREAK!!!

May 9th can’t come soon enuff, or about as many times as I cum to the sweet sweet tunes of Gnarls Barkley. Can you say future breastest album of the ’06?

‘Crazy’ [l]
‘Crazy’, cover by The Kooks [l]
‘Go Go Gadget Gospel’ [l]
‘Gone Daddy Gone’, Violent Femmes cover [l]
‘Just A Thought’ [l]
‘Smiley Faces’ [l]

+ these two non-Barkley charles-ton chews…

‘Black Metallic’ – Catherine Wheel [d]

‘Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego’ – Rockapella [d]

(Diana) rigged door [vid]

The retro-fitting of a KitKat Chunky Peanut Butter bar

T H E M O V I E T I M E L I N E [CMB]

Montreal Expo 1967 [Met-Life]

GayWheels.com

Yoda Dog

What’s up with 666, the “mark of the beast”?

Man creates giant kebab

Up for grabs, to the highest bidder, one original amateur Leprechaun sketch [Gorillazzzzz]

And how does one make the NBA fun? Photoshop