Thighs Wide Shut

Mistress America
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-Wigging Out (Not In A Good way)
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 84 min

and

The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
The Mod Squandered
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 116 min

Noah Baumbach and Guy Ritchie have nothing in common, cept they both direct films, and both were born in September (one yearish a part).  Other than that, I happen to see both of their latest cinematic adventures within a week of each other.  But their movies DO have something in common – both were nice tries, but kinda more of the same, but basically near misses, that were kinda enjoyable.  Knowwhatttamean?

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. is based off of a TV show that you’ve never seen (and neither of I), but it’s essentially a Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes movie, set in the mod 60s.  It looks cool, zooms right along, but wasn’t much of anything.  But it did have an American playing a Russian, a Brit playing an American and a Swede playing a German!  What doesn’t make sense is how Ritchie used to make dumb fun movies, but with wit and bite.  U.N.C.L.E. had a look, but no wit or bite.  It didn’t have me crying U.N.C.L.E., but letz juss say I’m not camping out for a #2

Btw, I think I’d go gay for Henry Cavill.  I’ve been all in since I saw him on The Tudors, but now, more than EVER!!

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Noah Baumbach had previously done the impossible – he made the unwatchable Greta Gerwig watchable!!!  See Frances Ha… for more than juss laughs (HA!)!  A second helping of GG and Baumbach has gotta work the same mojo magic again, right?  You’d think, and while watching their Mistress America it kinda feels like it’s working, but in the end, it felt more like a misstepped Mistress!  Nothing felt natural – especially the acting – and none of the characters were all that likable, although I did like meeting Lola Kirke, who seems to be 1202102301320 times more talented than her sister, as seen on Girls.  I really tried and tried to like this movie.  I DID. I want Baumbach to be our new Woody Allen, spewing out New York stories that I want to dive into, but not so fast there buddy.  We’re edging back to reality – where Greta Gerwig is unwatchable.  Still, I’d camp out for what the two do next… as long as she’s watchable

Verdictgo: juss cause I kinda liked both movies, doesn’t mean they’re great movies, so… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Mistress From U.N.C.L.E. are both playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sherlock Holmes:
A Game of Shadows
The Final Problem
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 129 min

Don’t know how we thought the first one was passable, cause it spectretro, it was poo-diddly-poo. You take one look at brilliant modern day Cumberpatched Sherlock and juss know that Guy Ritchie doesn’t deserve to do a thang with Arthur Conan Doyle’s foils & foibles!!!  Well, like it or not, he and Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law are back in a new misadventure and it’s somehow all passable again.  CRAP!  This crap should be crap, so how is it watchable, again?  Jared Harris as Professor James Moriarty is a very very nice touch, and including Noomi Rapace and Stephen Fry in on the fun kinda adds to the fun, even if their characters are kinda marginalized.  And?  Well, they killed off Rachel McAdams’ character, which also added to the fun, cause her character was les würst.  But isn’t any movie that includes a chess scene between two rivals juss one giant sh$t show?  It is, but one that’s covered in fun.  CRAP!

Verdictgo: very low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Sherkock is currently playing close to wherever you call Holmes 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Kick-Ass
Escape From The Planet of The Capes
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Wanna know what kicks ass in Kick-Ass?  Certainly not our even dorkier Peter Parkerish title character (Brit Aaron Johnson, a mother lover if there ever was one, pretending a tad too hard to be a dorkier American Peter Parker), his best buds (Clark Duke and Evan Peters, with nothing to do, cept for us to imagine how each of them would have fared in Kick-Ass’ costume), his pointless pursuit of his pointless Mary Jane Watson (Lyndsy Fonseca, missing an ‘e’ in her name, and any sort of screen presence), his semi-nemesis Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse, forever stuck in McLovin mode), Red Mist’s gangster dad (Mark Strong, who’s the Samuel L Jackson of never saying no to taking a bad guy role), Red Mist’s dad’s Jersey boy thugs (no names worth noting), Toronto standing in for New York (again???) + a generic, tired, trying to be way too energetic soundtrack (think we need a moratorium placed on the use of J Jett’s ‘Bad Reputation’)

Wait, we didn’t name a dang thing that kicked-ass!  Bare with us.  We haven’t read one word of writer Mark Millar & illustrator John Romita, Jr‘s overly-meta comic book series, but then again, neither did director Matthew Vaughn and co-screenwriter Jane Goldman.  That’s cause they started filming the movie when the 3rd issue hit newsstands (do comics even hit newsstands anymore?)!  It kinda shows, cause there’s no full vision on display, juss a chop suey of superhero conventions that sometimes play dumb and loose, like Mystery Men, and when convenient, serious and meditative like Watchmen

Vaughn is a little out of his depth here in caped-crusaderville, which makes it two times in a row (after the messy Stardust) that he’s been unable to jump cleanly into another genre.  And yet he’s got some fight in him.  Lest we forget that he produced Guy Ritchie’s first two scruffy Limey fun-fests, and then showed his own skill with his delicious-enuff Layer Cake. His command of fisticuffs is his bread and butter, and when he unleashes it in Kick-Ass, it… KICKS ASS (rated R style)!!!  It’s easy to lose interest with what’s going on in the first two Kick-Ass character-centric acts, but when the throwdown climax jazzed all up in our faces, the gripes found in the first paragraph disappeared quicker than the Detroit Lions come playoff time

So if Kick-Ass himself doesn’t kick-ass in Kick-Ass, who does?  Two characters who do deserve their own comic and movie, free of the chirpy cheese dripping in their path: father and daughter vigilantes Big Daddy and Hit-Girl.  Nicolas Cage IS Big Daddy and IS awesome.  His character’s a loose electrical wire, with a killer ‘stache, but Cage is somewhat restrained… well, at least when compared to his Big Easy over the top sleazy work in Bad Lt.  But the real draw here and overall is Chloë Moretz as Hit-Girl.  Every minute she’s on screen, she lights it up, and knocks us out.  And every minute she isn’t on screen, well, Kick-Ass could use a good kick in the ass, at the hand of her foot

Sealed With A Twiss: as in Deborah Twiss, and her mammoth mammaries, which are showcased (clothed, which sometimes is hotter than not) and drooled upon (not literally) in Kick-Ass

pee es – Sophie Wu aint so bad neither

Verdictgo: it’s all a hit with Hit-Girl, and there’s enuff of her in it to make this Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Ass rips it at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…