we present to you, a TWS original…

Oz Breakers – Oz The Great and Powerful / Spring Breakers Trailer Mashup

Spring Breakers 
Bikini Overkill
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 94 min

Harmony Korine‘s Spring Breakers is exactly what you’d think/expect/want it to be.  Maybe more, maybe less, but dude, in the end, it’s fcuking Spring Breakers!!! It’s Korine’s most mainstream movie to date (a good thing), but not necessarily his best (it’s RIGHT up there, but kinda hard to top the depth and beauty of Mister Lonely), but for those who don’t know the difference between Gummo and Chico & The Man, juss go and see it and have your eyes melt  

Spring Breakers is like one long episode of UK’s Skins, but neonier, pastelier, gangstier, and way dirtier, but it doesn’t go ALL THE WAY disgustingly dirty (this isn’t Enter The Void, but it is the same cinematographer!), cause if it did, we’d despise this movie, instead of being energized by it.  Actually, it’s more like this Skins promo, which was raunchier than anything on the actual show, although the show itself was pretty raunchy.  So lets juss say the Spring Breakers‘ is Skins‘ very American cousin, k?  (wait, you’ve seen Skins, right????)

Much has been made about former Disney starlets Vanessa Hudgens (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY WIFE????) & Selena Gomez being turned into Korine harlots, and much should be made about it, cause you get to see sides of these girls that you’ve never seen before –  their acting talents the sides of their boobs, and butts!!  Dude, Spring Breakers!!  But don’t get too excited.  The one Spring Breaker who drops trou more than the others is Korine’s real life wife, Rachel Korine, the least looker of the bunch.  Drats.  But put away your calls of nepotism, cause Rachel kinda sorta feels like a well-needed mother-figure to these tween-sweetheart tarts of raging pleasure, even if she’s raging more than all of them combined.  Oh, and the fourth breaker is Pretty Little Liar‘s Ashley Benson, and she’s hotter than mercury on the surface of Mercury!!!!   Oh man, bless this foursome, especially since their entire wardrobe consists of bikinis.  All they wanted was spring break.  So what if they had to rob a BBQ joint with ski-masks, water guns and sledgehammers to make it happen???

After a bunch of endless days and nights of typical collegiate beach partying, the girls break bad when they get tangled up with wankster drug & arms mini-kingpin James Franco (this is when the movie starts to REALLLLLLY click its heels/grillz).  He crosses every line, especially the line of looking like a human being.  Muss be why he goes by the name of Alien.  He’s like the slimiest white dude to ever sport cornrows, and pretty much every white dude that sports cornrows is the slimiest white dude ever (his helpers - The ATL Twins – don’t have cornrows, but they’s slimy in their own special way)  

But the girls take to him, and he giveth back to them.  Ya see, the girls live for spring break.  They don’t want it to ever end.  James Franco’s Alien is the embodiment of spring break never ending.  They want to be him (cept for Gomez).  He wants them to be with him, and in him.  They sing Britney Spears songs together with guns in hand at sunset.  It doesn’t get much better than this, but then it does.  PLEASE DON’T LET SPRING BREAK EVER END!!!! 

But things go wrong, but not too wrong, cause the girls get what they want in the end - a spring break for the ages.  This is ultimately a ‘happy’ story.  A scary happy story, a nightmare that never felt better.  Every minute flirts with disaster, but the next minute keeps molesting you with laughter  

This film is a grower.  As the hours, now days pass, the more and more we fcuking hate that spring break in Spring Breakers ended.  Sure, it’s over, but it aint never over.  I keep hearing James Franco calmly chanting, ‘spreeeng braaaake, spreeeng braaaaaaaaake‘ in my ear.  You’ll hear it too.  And you also won’t be able to get this image out of yer head anytime soon neither, and why would you want it to leave your head???

Spring break forever.  Spring Breakers forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: it ages like fine wine.  thought it was purty darn good yesterday and now methinking it’s Breast In Show.  give me a week and I’ll proclaim it better than Zodiac

Spring Breakers breaks loose this Friday in NY/LA and elsewhere elsewhen 

oh, and animated gif posters should become the new posters

oh, and this Vanessa Hudgens poster will hang in every room of my house, and every inch of my brain.  Vanessa Hudgens (looking eggzactly like this) 9evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Stoker 
Bram Flakey
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 98 min

Korean director Chan-wook Park has given in and giving filmmaking the ole Hollywood try.  The Oldboy (not Old Joy) dynamo (or so we hear, since we’ve never seen one of his movies) takes a script by Wentworth Miller (yes, that Wentworth Miller) and hands in something that’s notable, but not really that noteworthy.  What does that mean?  Zero idea, but we also kinda sorta have zero idea what to make of the result – Stoker

Stoker is about a mother (Nicole Kidman) and a daughter (Mia Wasikowska) trying to move on after their hubby/daddy (Dermot Mulroney) dies in a mysterious car accident.  Out of nowhere comes his dashing brother (Matthew Goode), who’s more into flirting than grieving.  He has eyes & designs on both ladies (the mother’s game, the daughter’s glum), and a wide perma-smile that spells something fishy.  So what happens?  Moody moodness, lovely cinematography and editing, some pop-ins from Alden Ehrenreich and Jacki Weaver, and not much else.  There’s a reveal towards the end, but it’s not too revealing, and then some stuff happens, and then something else happens, which doesn’t seem to jive with anything, and then the movie ends, and I was like, whaaat?  And then I was like OK, well, whatever, nevermind

Trash Humpers the movie is not genius, but releasing it on 300 VHSes (150 NTSC, 150 PAL), with covers handcrafted by directed Harmony Korine is!

wait, there’s a Blu-Ray/VHS combo player on the market??????

have you seen Mister Lonely yet?????

Trash Humpers
Be Kind, Don’t, Korine
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Trash Humpers is the most unwatchable movie since Inland Empire.  We’d rather watch Willem Dafoe’s penis squirt blood 7 times over than watch 7 seconds of whatever Trash Humpers is/was.  Lo-fi camcorder VHS aesthetics is fine by us, as long as it isn’t used to film people humping trash in masks that not even Mask would wear.  The trash humpers should hump this movie cause it’s trash.  Trash should be insulted cause it’s not as garbage as Trash Humpers is be.  We’d rather be humped by Brian Peppers than write one more word about Trash Humpers

Very Watchable: writer/director Harmony Korine‘s previous work, the impressionistic impersonator tale Mister Lonely.  a muss see for anyone with eyes, and even for those who don’t!

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Hump goes dry this Friday in NY only, and elsewhere elsewhen.  you’ve been warned

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…