Thighs Wide Shut

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw
Built To Fast
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 137 min

8 Fast 8 Furious was a disaster.  Sure, it was fast, and yeah, it was furious, but it ended up being 1 fast and 1 furious way too many for my tastes.  Bringing Dwayne Johnson into the fold changed the dynamic of the franchise for the worse (but perhaps for box office best).  Fast & Furious is no longer about hot cars, hot chicks, and the meatheads who drive and ride both.  It’s now about solving global terrorism… with cars?  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FAST & FURIOUSSESS!!!!

So what to do?  Apparently the right thing – Dwayne Johnson doesn’t need the world of Fast & Furious, and we don’t need him there either.  So use the F&F letterhead and team him up with his rival and let the hi & lowjinks ensue.

Welcome to Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw!

It’s got the F&F attitude, but none of the Vin Diesel battitude!  And it turns bad guy Jason Statham into a good guy!  And he gets to make fun of The Rock the entire time!  And he has a sister – Vanessa Kirby – who roxxxx!!

And the movie is very self-reflexive!  It knows how dumb it is and plays that up!  Cliché upon cliché is clichéd, and it works!

But this movie is 137 minutes too long.  Yes, the whole thing is unnecessary.  After some big fight between our three heroes and the bad guy (Idris Elba), I was like – that’s a good place to end.  I’ve seen enuff.  I’ve enjoyed this dumb aplenty.  We don’t need to continue on, and have more scenes of talking and strategizing and plotting, just to set up another big fight.  But it went on, and it turned into Whale Rider or something, and then we’re introduced to a character related to one of our characters, and then I got really upset

Spoiler alert…

I got upset cause we’re introduced to The Rock’s screen mom, who lives in Samoa, a place the Rock’s character hasn’t been back to in 9ever cause of some pointless beef he has with his brother.  And in a movie where nothing is believable, I actually had a problem in believing this was in-character for the Rock’s character.  The Rock’s character is a big family man.  They always make it a huge point about how he loves his daughter and stresses the importance of family.  So if that is the case, why would he never see his mama?  And hold back his daughter from meeting and getting to know her grammy?  This makes no sense.  It makes no sense especially since the beef the Rock’s character had with his brother is squashed in all of about 8 seconds.  All that estrangement for nothing.  The Rock’s character made his mother sad for ages, and withheld gladness from his daughter as well.  That’s too slow, too curious

Next time, less family, more feud.  And pile on even more clichés!

Verdictgo: dumb, but fun, so I guess… Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hobbs throbs at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Molly’s Game
Deck Stacked Against Her
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 140 min

Aaron Sorkin pulls out all the stops in his slick and fun directorial debut – Molly’s Game, and while there is much to enjoy in the true story of poker pitboss Molly Bloom’s rise and fall, the end result doesn’t come close cinematically to the other films he’s lent his penmanship to – Steve Jobs, Moneyball and The Social Network, but that’s OK, cause it’s hard to hit home runs in both the writing AND directing categories, and especially on one’s first time out behind the lens, and it’s also OK, cause the movie is really good!

Molly Bloom (a confident and chesty Jessica Chastain) is all about rising and falling.  Once on the cusp of skiing at the Winter Olympics, she saw her lifelong medaling dreams dashed in a bad trial run downhill, and so she picked herself up, moved away from the snow to Los Angeles and started over again.  Found work working for a fast-paced prick, who happened to run an underground poker game with Hollywood stars and rich hot shots, and found her new calling running those games.  A big risk for both players and Molly, but the money was just too good to pass up on.  Things go good, then things go bad, but Molly always seems to find her way out on top again, and again… until the FBI comes in to say GAME OVER.  But that’s not where the movie ends – it’s actually the starting point, where Molly tries to fight back at the system with a lawyer (Idris Elba) who sees the good in her, and the evil in the world.  DAMN YOU EVIL WORLD WITH YOUR LAWS AND STUFF!!

That’s nice and all, but it’s actually all the meetings with her lawyer, and courtroom non-drama that drags the film down a bit from being something fantastic.  While the chips are stacked and the cards are dealt, the movie flies, but when it gets bogged down in legal briefs, it seems far from being brief, as it lingers on a little TOO much.  Still, Molly and Sorkin have a winning hand and a winning movie, and Kevin Costner works magic in limited screentime, and you know if there’s a movie about competition and Kevin Costner’s in it – it’s a winner!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Game on Xmas day at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Star Trek Beyond
Somewhere Between Be-Yummy and Be-en-There-Done-That
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 122 min

Beyond is the third Star Trek movie with this new, hip and young Enterprise crew, and it’s already starting to feel very familiar – both good and bad.  Good in a sense that we still love Love LOVE these guys (Pine/Quinto/Urban/Pegg/Saldana/Cho/Yelchin – RIP):, and their familiar presence is a continuing reassurance that we’ll have fun with them no matter what trouble they get themselves into 

Meeting them in round 1 was pure bliss, and battling Benedict Cumberbatch in round 2 was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and in this third one, we’re totally on board for the new mission – but the bad?  – while they’re off exploring new worlds, even without their ship(!), it feels like it’s nothing new.  This is the 3rd of their 5 year mission, but it kinda feels like its 33rd year of a 55 year mission.  Familiarity – both good and bad

OK, so there was some new fresh newness – like a NEW bad guy – Idris Elba!  And they silenced the fanboys who were pissed that The Beastie Boys’ ‘Sabotage’ was featured in the trailer – CAUSE THE SONG ENDED UP BEING IN THE FILM – AND IT WORKS FOR THE STORY!  And the movie was fun – but it’s starting to feel a bit like running thru the motions.  More of an actual trek, and less of a journey

Maybe in the next Trek, they can boldly go somewhere else, and hopefully as far as humanly and alienly as possible from these fcuking dumb-a$$ looking creatures…

Verdictgo: still, love me this crew, so low-end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Star Trek doesn’t go too far Beyond, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
Turning The Apartheid
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 139 min

Nelson Mandela is quite the character, having previously been played by likes of Sidney Poitier(!), twin Morgan Freeman (in the blah Invictus), Terrence Howard, Danny Glover, and Dennis Haysbert (Denzel gets a pass cause he played Steve Biko in Cry Freedom).  We have not seen all these incarnations, but all MUST pale in comparison to what Idris Elba did, walking mighty mighty tall in Mandela’s shoes (IT’S A ‘LONG WALK’ PUN, SORTA!!!).  It won’t happen, but Elba deserves the Best Actor statue (yes, even over Hanks or any of the other dudes who played people getting beaten by white people or the ocean) for his work in Justin Chadwick‘s clean and crisp and really darn good (enuff) Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom.  Mandela’s life has so much ground to cover that it could spawn and be spread over 10+ movies (hence his national rugby team supporting got its own movie), but Chadwick and writer William Nicholson do a quality job of covering all the bases and dropping all the key people/places/things right before our eyes, in under 2 hours and 30 minutes of perspiration and inspiration.  Credit Naomie Harris too (I’d like to spend 28 days later and like 28 years with her!!!), who embodies the character of Mandela’s long-suffering from a distance wife Winnie.  The former Mrs ‘dela has also been played by a wide array of ladies – most recently by Jennifer Hudson and the brilliant Sophie Okonedo.  Haven’t seen their performances either, but assuming Jennifer Hudson singing Dreamgirls tunes in South Africa won’t lead to a second trip to the Oscar podium.  Again, don’t know if it will happen, but Harris should get the Supporting Actress statue this year.  Anywho, take the shortest walk you can to a theater near you playing this, and remember, you have the freedom that Mandela didn’t, so go ahead, get the biggest popcorn and soda you can order, juss cause you can!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Walk this way, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…