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unlikeliest and greatest duo ever -  Richard ‘Jaws’ Kiel and Jackie Chan in Cannonball Run II

The Karate Kid
Kung Fu Pandering
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You’ve got questions and doubts about the new Karate Kid and we’re here to quell your fears by having a conversation wit ourselves:

Is the new Karate Kid better than the old Karate Kid?

Is that even a question? Of course not. The first one was an instant-classic AND introduced us to Billy Zabka, the whitest guy we all loved to hate in the 80s (with much respect to James Spader)

So then, is the new Karate Kid just another one of these remakes/reimagings that have no real purpose for being besides lining pocketbooks?

Sirprizngly it is not. It’s fluff, but the good kind. Moving the action away from America was a good idea, but making the protagonists and antagonists younger boarders on child cruelty. Sometimes it’s a lil uneasy to watch these kids beat up on each other. Then again, it kinda kicked more real a$$ than Kick Ass did

So it’s not awful?

Not in the slightest, although we could have done without the unnecessary love story (with the adorable Wenwen Han) and what seems like endless trips to the countryside and training lessons, which are no ‘paint a fence’ poetic waxing

Can Jaden Smith kick it?

Yes he can, but lets not get all crazy here and say he’s a good actor, cause he’s not. Jaden’s got his dad’s smile and his mum’s gruffness, but he’s a little too full of himself to be considered anything but the son of famous people who gets more breaks than AAMCO

And what about Jackie Chan?

He does the role, and Pat Morita justice. He’s the glue that keeps it all together. Taraji P. Henson (and her bodacious booty) also does us a solid, with the expanded mom role

No Ralph Macchio cameo, no crane kick, no getting him a body bag? No way Jose?

Why go the obvious route, when director Harald Zwart and writer Christopher Murphey pleasurably go their own with Robert Mark Kamen and John G. Avildsen‘s material. Plus Rongguang Yu makes a great asshole sensei and bad boy Zhenwei Wang is even creepier and mo intimidating than Zabka!! ZABKA!!!!!!

Does this deserve a sequel?

Maybe. The original did, but the only good that came out of #2 was the hammazin opening scene that picked up right where #1 left off, and of course, the second greatest Peter Cetera solo song besides ‘The Next Time I Fall’. If #2 does happen, how about Suri Cruise for The Next Next Karate Kid?

Macchio-ismo: Ralph Macchio doesn’t bother with a cameo in the new KK (good for him!), but does one better with Wax On, F*ck Off

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Karate kicks it this Friday at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…