Thighs Wide Shut

X-Men: First Class
When We Were Tweens
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

There’s all kinda stuff goings on and off in Matthew Vaughn‘s X-Men prequel, but most of it is not much of consequence (wow, mutant kids meet other mutant kids for the first time, AND THEN they get to hone their skillz, in a super slow montage!), since prequels are usually pointlessly redundant ways of taking more of our cash for something we already know well about (wait, Magento was a holocaust survivor???  wait, Professor X used to be able to walk and then one day he couldn’t???). And since this film’s trailer (a damn fine one) puts on display all the juicy actiony content (that Cuban missile crises sh#t was still pretty cool!!), the bits that are worth the price of admission are the wits-y ones.  You know, watching brainy studs Magsy & Proffy X forge a BFFship and then sees it fall apart (we still rooted for it to work, even though we KNEW it wouldn’t)

Watching James McAvoy think and act like Jean-Luc Picard, and Michael Fassbender snarl and snap like an evil Gandolf, while both adding their own flourishes to the characters, was the only thing first class about the film, and that’s almos good enuff for us.  But why employ Kevin Bacon as yer main bad guy?  He was only scary and creepy when he was invisible and groping chicks in that Verhoeven movie.  And don’t know why everyone’s getting all over January Jones‘ case.  She has the very egggzact same amount of acting talent that Academy Award nominee Jennifer Lawrence does —  negative 5.  Lawrence is more blah as the conflicted blue chick than JJ is at looking hot in a movie where she was solely cast to look hot in.  Lawrence is more like X-Men WURST CLASS!!!!!  It’s true, cause we said so.  Oh, and Rose Byrne‘s in this, but she’s not a mutant, so she serves no purpose, but we’re not going to complain about her undercover (but sadly NOT under the covers) lingerie work.  Oh, and Nicholas Hoult was pretty good as Frasier with furry feet, even though he wasn’t wearing a super gay pink angora sweater.  He should get that sweater written into all of his contracts

Fassbestness: see Mikey F sizzle and dazzle in last year’s brilliant Fish Tank OR ELSE!!  but you’re probably a smarty jones and listened to us and already saw this!  if so, pat yerself on the back, and then yer balls

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

X-Men hits the spot enuff, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Unknown
Memory Lapzzzzzzze
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

What is unknown in Unknown is best left unknown.  Not cause telling you would ruin the unknowing fun, but cause once you do know the unknown knowningess that’s not known to recently memory-impaired Liam Neeson that eventually will be known to him, you’ll know juss how stoopid you felt waiting for some sorta awesome knowing reveal to happen, but being in this know is more of a groan than a known.  Know whatta we mean???? You don’t know what we mean, but let it be known that you won’t be as taken with Unknown has you were with Neeson’s Taken!

And yet, regardless of how un-kick-ass and silly director Jaume Collet-Serra‘s Unknown is, we dont want to unknow that we saw Unknown.  Even if January Jones‘sss acting chops make Scarlett Johansson’s look like Katharine Hepburn’s!  Even if fine German actress Diane Kruger is sporting some horrid Eastern European accent when the movie takes place in her home country!!  Even if a solid collection of co-stars like Bruno Ganz, Sebastian Koch, Aidan Quinn and Frank Langella play along with the cloak and daggery that’s more like clunk and slaggery!!!  Put some less charismatic actor in the Neeson role and the results wouldn’t be unknown, they would be unwatchable, but Neeson = watchable.  He’s the reason that despite Jar Jar Stinks, 9 hour pod races and the stoopid kiddie kid stuff in Episode 1: Phantom Menace, it’s the only remotely decent Star Wars prequel, cause Neeson brings class to things that suck a$$

Neeson!!!!

Needsome Neeson!: skip Unknown, and get to know these 3 lesser-known Neeson flicks… Five Minutes of Heaven, Breakfast On Pluto and The Dead Pool (not a little known film, but did you remember that Liam was in it???)

Verdictgo: Neeson Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Unknown knows not much today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…