Arrival
More Talk, Less Rock
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 116 min

Aliens have arrived!  In pod shaped pods all over the globe!  But they don’t speak English or Russian or Chinese or any language with an alphabet.  So how can we communicate with them before we lose patience and destroy them????  

Enter linguist Amy Adams, Earth’s only hope at understanding what their inkblot Rorschach test writings are trying to tell us, so we can determine whether they are friend or foe!  But translating an unknown language is hard!  And takes time!  BUT WE DON’T HAVE TIME!!!  Military guy Forest Whitaker is growing weary by the second!!  CIA guy Michael Stuhlbarg is being a nebbishy pushy jew, pushing for non-Jewish results!!  The Chinese General Tzi Ma wants to blow them back to where they came from!  (maybe he should blow up all the Panda Expresses while we wait).  But Amy Adams has help – helpful and handsome Jeremy Renner!

Where it goes from there is thankfully non-conventional, a little lot bit Jodie Foster Contact, a little lot bit confusing, and somewhat somehow not fully satisfying (to me), but finishes as a nice looking little alien movie that gives us confidence that Denis Villeneuve can make a good Blade Runner sequel.  Long may you runner!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Arrival arrived at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Captain America: Civil War
Marvel-ous
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 147 min

OMG, these guys…

and these guys…

are all on the same team – but because Captain America has a hard-on for Sebastian Stan, there gonna be a war son, CIVIL style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

This is what Avengers 2: Age of Voltron should have been!!!  Sorta kinda whatever!!!

Actually, this sequel (which is miles above #1) is basically Avengers 3, but works so much better cause there’s less clutter, and less dumb Thor and bulky Hulk.  Those two dudes caused way too much destruction.  HULK SMASH!! The less destruction the better!! Like slash the Hulk smash!

And this one has Daniel Brühl, and in case you didn’t know - Brühl rühlzzzz!!!!!!  But he’s not a superhero or a superhero villain, but he is a bad guy, but he kinda has a reason to break bad – like our superheroes do in this movie.  Man, so much noir going on here.  Who’s bad?  Who’s good?????  No black and white – juss lots o’gray – 100 SHADES OF IT!!!

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT – the movie is wayyyyyyyyyyyy too long.  Like 9 hours too long.  I enjoyed it all, but man, it’s a haul, a long one – like a long haul!!!! (I ran out to pee 2 times – but that’s cause I drank like a gallon o’soda – and all I missed was the superheroes talking about stuff)

Also, Jeremy Renner‘s Hawkeye is beyond lame.  Cut him and his character out of this Marvel universe

And I don’t care how cool he is, but Paul Bettany‘s Vision creeps me out too much and made me wish I didn’t have vision in my eyes

but it’s OK cause we get to see Ant Man become Gi-Ant Man, and there’s a new Spidey – who’s a no name actor – and actually looks like a teenager – which already seems more right than Tobey or Andrew Garfield minushimself could ever muster as Peter Parkz!!!

But the real bestestest thing???  There are three black dudes in the movie, and they blow away the white dudes and dudettes outta the water.  I’d rather see a movie with juss Rhodey (Don Cheadle), Falcon (Anthony Mackie), and my new mos favorite superhero ever – Blank Panther (the treasure that is Chadwick Boseman) – kicking major a$$ AND gla$$!!!!!!!!!  They should take Hawkeye out back and beat the lame fcuk outta him!!!

Heck, there needs to be a movie (superhero or not) with Boseman, Mackie, Cheadle, Denzel, Will Smith, Michael B Jordan, and Billy Dee Williams called Smooth Operators – where they’re a gang of telephone operators who are SMOOTH AS FCUK!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers (if it was somehow shorter, it woulda been BREAST IN SHOW)

Captain soldiers on at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Kill The Messenger
Runner Renner
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

I was alive (and well) in the 80s, and heard all about the Iran-Contra Affair, but had no idea what any of it meant, other than Oliver North lied to us, and Fawn Hall had people fawning all over her. That’s why need movies like Kill The Messenger – to remind us of the shadowy things and stuff that the US done did, that we either don’t know or cared to forget about. The messenger is Gary Webb (Jeremy Renner in the rare role of a good guy), a reporter for the San Jose Mercury News, who blew the lid off of a story of how the CIA backed the sale of Nicaraguan Contras’ cocaine on American soil, and turned the profits into the Contras’ ammunition for their freedom fight back home. Once the lid came off, it couldn’t be put back on – and Webb became collateral damage of his own story. The CIA and even the media itself tried to bury the lead, and the lead writer with it. Michael Cuesta‘s film solidly captures the tension and fallout for Webb/Renner, but it never quite adds up to All The President’s Men II, even with a stellar supporting cast consisting of Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Rosemarie DeWitt, Barry Pepper, Ray Liotta, Paz Vega, Oliver Platt, Michael Sheen, Richard Schiff, Andy García, Robert Patrick, Michael K Williams and Tim Blake Nelson

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Kill shoots to inform at a theater near jews

I’m still waiting for a Contra movie, called Contra: Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

American Hustle
Hustle & (Mostly) Blows
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 129 min

American Hustle sorta tells the story of the Abscam FBI sting operation that took place in the late 70s/early 80s. Some of the names (and details) have been changed to protect the imbeciles. Some of it is entertaining, but most of it is like one REALLLLLLLLLLY long run on sentence that keeps on going and going and going.  Director David O Russell and writer Eric Singer swing for Goodfellas-ian heights, but kinda blows it like 2001’s Blow – all 70s scenery, but not much beyond the sniffy, sweaty surface.  But oh, those surfaces…

like…

hey, if you’ve always wanted to see 1/3rd of good-too-shoes Amy Adams‘s boobs (I never wanted to), then this is the boobie/movie for you!

or see Jeremy Renner smile in a movie, for the first time ever!!!

or be depressed watching Bradley Cooper give his all again (this time with curls!!!), and think about how much bullsh!t it was that he didn’t win best actor Oscar last year for the much better Silver Linings Playbook

and then watch his Oscar-winning co-star J-bLaw blah us to death with her blah acting and eyes that bore her and we to tears

or JO to the thought of a mustache ride from Jack Huston!!!

or watch Alessandro Nivola steal the show, in like a grand total of 6 minutes that he’s in the movie

and look, we all LOVE Louis CK and all, but lets face it, he can’t act

THE ARABIC VERSION OF ‘WHITE RABBIT’!!!

but nothing and nobody tops Christian Bale as a combed-over, hairy chested, big gutted Jewish dude, who hides behind those tinted shades OH SOOOOO WELLL.  BALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Man, CB is such a fcuking great actor.  So much so that I’m starting to think that the Batman movies were a waste of his time.  Anyone can be Batman (I’m sure even Affleck can’t ruin Batman), and since anyone can, we lost the time that Bale coulda been in other movies, like ones were he coulda played some overly intense mother-effer, who’s quietly ready to explode at any given moment.  Bless you Bale.  May you be ready to smolder at any given moment in a zillion movies to come

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hustle American’t currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Bourne Legacy
Oh Baby, Then It Fell Apart
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 135 min

Look, it’s another Bourne movie!!!!   Cept it has nothing to do with Jason Bourne cept showing his passport photo and having David Sthraharian and Joan Allen pop up for like 8 seconds.  So what is the Legacy of Bourne?  Dunno, something about grumpy-a$$hole-faced Jeremy Renner in the woods, fighting wolves, and snow, and taking green and blue pills.  But what happens when he starts to run out of pills??????  Drone planes will explode and wolves will be wrestled!!!   And then he has to drag frazzled doctor Rachel Weisz [kinda sick of her, ever since she dumped Aronofsky for Bond] into this [literal] mess, and then they have to go to Manila for some reason that has nothing to do with manila envelopes.  And whenever that whatever is done, they have to go to Thighland, so they can run on rooftops and then be in a motorcycle chase, cause the rest of the movie was so blah-zay that they have to sorta remind us viewers what we liked about the real Bourne movies, which is action, and not pills or snow or scared Rachel Weisz.  Oh, and Edward Norton is in it, playing a sorta David Strahaharriaian role, which means someone who points at monitors and screams at people to do things.  AWESOME!!!!  Not really

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Bourne lags-acies currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…