Thighs Wide Shut

meet the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

 

John Boyega as Sando Calrissian

Sando grew up in Cloud City, living under the shadow of his dashing father Lando.  Sick of hearing his father’s glorified stories about the Battle of Taanab and endless late-night partying with Nien Nunb, Sando left home to make it on his own.  Since then, he has become a legendary pilot, and an even bigger scoundrel AND player than his father ever was.  He currently holds 14 death sentences on as many planets, and has won the last 3 World Series of Sabacc titles

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Daisy Ridley as Hope Solo

When parents Leia and Han tell their daughter Hope that they love her, she always replies, ‘I know’.  But does she?  HOPE so!!!  Hope, like her mother and grandmother before her, is one of the most independent women in the galaxy.  When she’s not getting straight A’s at Coruscant University, she devotes a lot of her free time to the Refugee Relief Movement.  And if she has any additional additional free time, she makes her own bathtub blue milk, from her great Aunt‘s secret recipe.  The force is slightly strong with this one, although she’s only a half-breed, and gets her ‘shoot first’ mentality genes directly from her pops

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Adam Driver as Darth Brooks

Not much is known about Darth Brooks, but what is known is to stay the fcuk out of his way.  Brooks employs the rare tri-lightsaber, which can not only slice opponents with ease, but galactic pizzas as well!

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Oscar Isaac as Dweezil Zapple

When it comes to Jizz music, there no musician more on top of his game than Dweezil Zapple.  Sadly, the rest of the galaxy doesn’t realize that.  Stuck playing coffee shops and bounty hunter bars on remote planets, Dweezil keeps on keeping on, waiting to make a breakthrough.  Sales of his last album weren’t promising, but an opening slot on the Max Rebo tribute band’s latest tour is.  To make ends meet, Dweezil moonlights as a droids dealer.  His most popular seller is R7-D4

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Andy Serkis as Grand Toff Fee

After the destruction of the second Death Star, the Empire was in shambles, until Grand Toff Fee rose thru the ranks and righted the ship.  He is currently overseeing the construction of a third Death Star, and promises that this one will be indestructible, and will not have a shield generator located anywhere near any muppets or midgets

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Domhnall Gleeson as Obi-Thwoo Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi was perhaps the greatest and most dedicated of all the Jedis, but everyone has their faults and weaknessess.  Obi-Wan’s was prostitutes, and he would use the force to force himself upon endless hookers, without paying them a dime or spices.  Well, one of these forced situations, with a Mos Eisley red-lighter named Sxxixty Nyne, resulted in a bastard child that Obi-Wan never knew about.  Nyne tried her best to raise her son, Obi-Thwoo, but being the son of whore didn’t provide much of an opportunity for him, and so she sent him to the Jedi Academy on his 10th birthday.  Obi-Thwoo was a quick study, and soon become as good a Jedi as his father before him.  But apparently he couldn’t escape his genes either – as he got involved in a scandalous affair with Yaddle that threatened to destroy the Jedis forever

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Max von Sydow as Galactic Emperor Vax mon Ydow

Emperor Vax mon Ydow is one of the most malicious and vicious men in the entire galaxy.  He has been known to set up meetings, and then not show up.  BASTARD!!!  One of his biggest priorities as Emperor, besides killing all the Jedi, is to figure out a better system of visual communication other than the ye olde glitchy hologram

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so there you have it.  will this be the bestest Star Wars ever????  probably not, but it will probably be 129393939 billion times better than the last 3 Lucas gave us.  HOOOOORAY!!!!!!!

Attack The Block
Menaces II Society’s Rescue
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 88 min

For some reason, aliens always land in highly caucasian areas.  So what if some aliens landed in the hood (where some white folk also happen to live)?  Could the hoodrats stand a better chance than the white collar crowd??????  Such is the question that no one asked cept writer/director Joe Cornish, and he answers it in his Attack The Block.  With a crew of novice actors (including John Boyega, Leeon Jones, et al) + a few seasoned ones (Jodie Whittaker, Nick Frost, and Luke Treadaway), a soundtrack by Basement Jaxx, and a teeny budget under 9 million £ss, Cornish makes good use of what he has at his disposal for a solid and fun run through the urban jungle.  It’s hactually quite impressive what he pulled off with so little.  His CGI furry aliens with glowing teeth look more believable than most CGI creatures that run amok in mucky big budget disasters!!

And while we did have a jolly good time watching this (it’s hard not to), we will say that it did not fully live up to the post-SXSW hype.  Guess what, it’s not the best movie of the year.  Attack The Block thinks itself mad super dope cool, clever and hilarious, but we didn’t love it as much as it loves itself.  Hell, it’s not even on par with the brilliant Misfits.  Wait, you haven’t been watching the best show on telly for the past 2 years??  Attack that block (on Hulu) before you attack this one

Justin Case You Need More Reminding: WATCH MISFITS WATCH MISFITS WATCH MISFITS WATCH MISFITS

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Block is a party worth joining tomorrow in NY/LA/Toronto/SF/Seattle/Austin & Chicago, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…