Thighs Wide Shut

The Sessions
The Oy’s of Sex
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

Mark O’Brien was a real person.  He was a poet who had polio, so he didn’t get around much, but he still lived a full life, with words & wonderful people around him.  So much so that he’s been the subject of two films – one, an Academy Award winning documentary short about him & his work & his struggles [WATCH!] & the other, a new fictionalish flick about ending his virginity!  Sounds stupid & cheesy, but this new one screams Oscar (nominations, at least), but it screams it in a good way that’s neither stupid or cheesy!

Ben Lewin‘s The Sessions is a perfect film because there’s not a single thing wrong with it, cept that it may bring you to tears, cause it brought us to tears, cause we’re secretly a giant wuss.  John Hawkes plays Mark and he’s fantastic, and Helen Hunt plays the woman who helps Mark/John learn how to have sex and actually have sex (she’s not a prostitute cause she’s a sex surrogate), and she gets plenty nekkid and is also fantastic (beyond the old lady looking real fine nekkid bits), and then there’s William H. Macy as Mark/John’s friendly priest, who is friendly and pretty fantastic.  Oh, and Moon Bloodgood is in it too, and they try to make her ugly, BUT IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

The trailer to this film was awful.  The film was the opposite of awful.  SEE THISSSSSSSSS YOU ABLE-BODIED JERKS!!!!!!!  It will warm you heart.  And if it doesn’t, you either don’t have a heart, or are too busy being warmed elsewhere in your body by the sight of nekkid ole Helen Huntress hotness

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Sessions takes note in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Martha Marcy May Marlene
Cult of Lightening In A Fragile Bottle
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 120 min

Elizabeth Olsen is the unknown, and now known, sister of the Olsen twits.  Don’t know what she’s been doing all her life, but now she’s an actress, and from what we’ve seen of her in Sean Durkin‘s purty darn good Martha Marcy May Marlene, she definitely passes as an actress, and even more so than her sisters, who never really were actors to begin with, juss a set of twins who played a set of twins on a really dumb sitcom

In MMMMMmmmmmmMMmMmm, Liz doesn’t do much talking, but she does eat, and swim, and mope, and sometimes falsely smiles, and other times juss scares us with those blue-green Olsen dead eyes.  That’s what Olsen kin do best – they stare with those eyes, and creep us the creep creep out.  Liz as MMMmMMmmmMM does lots of staring cause she’s a lost soul stuck in the real world (at sis Sarah Paulson and bro-in-law Hugh Dancy‘s fancy dancy lake house) after running away from a cultish farm commune, which she kinda sorta not really wishes she never left, but of course is glad that she left (oh the contradiction!!!!)

She’s haunted by the past, going nowhere in the present, with not a very bright future ahead of her.  Blame the washing of her brain and private parts by the Jim Jones/David Koresh/Charles Mansonish dude played by John Hawkes (he has shady facial hair AND plays a guitar, so he muss be a cultish leader!!!!).  Now we loves ourselves some JHawkes, but he’s far too gentle of an actor to be seen as a lecherous misguided messiah.  Maybe that’s where faux-Michael Pittster Brady Corbet comes in, cause his eye starings are almos as creepy as Olsen’s is be!!!

Moral of the story?  Everyone with blue-ish eyes kinda creeps us out

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

MMMMMMMMM is currently mmmmmmmm good in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

too many reviews to do this week, so lettuce do sum short & sweet ones…

The Girl Who Played With Fire
(Flickan Som Lekte Med Elden)
We Wouldn’t Care If She Were Playing With Poop,
Cause We’d Show Up To Watch Her Play With Anything!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Lisbeth Salander(/Noomi Rapace) is our hem flicka.  That’s ‘homegirl’ loosely translated into Swedish, which is the kind of fish you’ll be sleeping with if you don’t agree or don’t know what we’re talking bout.  If you saw (or read) The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo then yer a wise person already on the right track.  If you haven’t, stop reading this, start that and then come back and start reading this again.  Actually skip reading this and go see the mighty slow-burned AND high-octaned (AT THE SAME TIME!!) sequel The Girl Who Played With Fire.  It is The Empire Strikes Back to Tattoo‘s Star Wars, for many reasons, and most that we can’t talk about, but none involve lightsabers!!!!  Plus this new one has this dude named Micke Spreitz playing the Swedish version of Jaws from James Bond and he will not be stopped!!!  And even though Michael Nyqvist make us want to take Nyquil-vist, we still love him and root for him and wants him to bag the mosquitoed-chested Lisbeth over and over!!  Cause if he has a chance with her, we all do!!!  Can’t wait for the Hornet’s Nest!!!!!!!!  And then (no, not Zardoz) to see Fincher’s take on Stieg Larsson‘s matz!!!!

A Girl‘s Girl:  she may not have a fire… crotch, but our girl plays with the radiant Yasmine Garbi!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Jean-Michel Basquiat:
The Radiant Child
Not The SAMO© Shiz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Jean-Michel Basquiat was an artist.  You may have heard of him.  Julian Schnabel made his brilliant directorial debut with a film about him called… Basquiat.  Mike D’s wife and Billy Madison director Tamra Davis was friends with Jean-Michel.  She filmed him doing his art and once interviewed him talking about stuff AND things.  This interview sat untouched in her drawer for 20 years.  Cut to NOW!  And now she felt the time was right to make a doc about him, including this footage.  This doc is purty straightforward, but purty darn good, especially if you want to see what Fab Five Freddy looks like without sunglasses!!!! Basquait should not be confused with Bisquik

The SAMO© Shiz: photos of J-MB(and crew)’s early work in graffiti

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Winter’s Bone
Haters of the Lost Ozarks
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Jennifer Lawrence looks like Renee Smellweger, but acts betters than her in Debra Granik‘s Winter’s Bone, which is like Frozen River, but not as good cause most of Winter’s Bone is Lawrence asking the same question (‘you seen my daddy?‘ 32928282 times, and sometimes to the same person twice).  And sorta speaking of Melissa Leo, she could have played every role in Winter’s Bone, cept for maybe John Hawkes‘sszz, but maybe the two should mate and have children that could play white trash peoples to a T for future genetations!

Mad Fly: remember Ozark Air Lines? probably not, unless you ever flew to or outta the STL

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three flicks are currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…