Thighs Wide Shut

Snow White and The Huntsman
Babes In Woodland
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min

THIS MOVIE IS NOT ABOUT JON HUNTSMAN’S HOT DAUGHTER OR HIS DAD WHO INVENTED THE MCDONALDS CLAMSHELL!!!  That’s already 28282839329393939 strikes against it.  Having Kristen Stewart play Snow White is like having 28283813292323932932 more strikes, and yet, yet, yet, somehow this Snow White movie was like a poor middle class man’s version of The Princess Bride!!!  Sorta.  And Chris Hemsworth‘s beefy beefness beefs up the fun, but not as much as Charlize Theron milking a milky milk bath or her brother Sam Spruell bobbing a man bob or the fact that they somehow shrunk many awesome normal sized actors (Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, Nick Frost, Eddie Marsan, Toby Jones, Johnny Harris, Brian Gleeson) be like tiny sized actors!  Bet Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis was pissed!  Snow White?  More like Snow RIGHT!

Seeking A Friend for The End of the World
Apocalypse Tao
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

Do you like Steve Carell?  Do you like Keira Knightley?  If the answer is yes to both, say yes to this fun little diversion that’s like The 40-Year Old Virgin meets Pride & Prejudice.  Not really, but if you sat thru both of those movies, you can sit thru this one, and you may smile, while the world falls apart, in an amusing way that’s like Atonement meets Dinner for Schmucks.  Not really

Your Sister’s Sister
Oh Brother, Where Art House Thou?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

Lynn Shelton‘s Your Sister’s Sister is about two sisters, Emily Blunt and Rosemarie DeWitt, who go to a cabin in the woods and take turns banging one non-related fellow, Mark Duplass.  Sorta, not really.  It starts off dark and heavy, but somehow that’s all forgotten in about 8 minutes, and for the better, cause the gloom gives way to fun and lots of words, so if you want explosions and car chases, this isn’t you movie.  But then the movie tries to do stuff towards the end, and it’s more implausible than me becoming a vegetarian Cowboys fan who licks swastikas for breakfast.  Sorta

Verdictgo: ALL THREE be Jeepers Worth A Peepers

ALL THREE might be playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Black Death
Plagued Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Off the top of our heads, we don’t recall there being any great ‘plague’ movies, or recall ANY ‘plague’ movies for that splatter, unless you count Lisbeth Salander’s guy Thursday Plague in the Girl Who Tortured Guys Cause She Was Tortured book/movie series.  Well, why aren’t there?  That dang mid-14th century black death pandemic wiped out anywhere from 1 to 2/3rds of Europe’s peoples!!!  Eat that Holocaust (we can say things like that cause we’re Jewishish)!!!  OK, so maybe watching people vomit and make terrible O faces doesn’t scream movie entertainment, but have you seen what’s been passing as movie entertainment these days???

Anywho, director Christopher Smith and writer Dario Poloni‘s cinematic slice of strife during that period with the same name, Black Death, does a purty good job of blending a little bit o’ history and a lot o’ bit of medieval mystery.  We got a wet behind the ear monk (freckle-juiced Eddie Redmayne), who’s devout to his God and superiors (David Warner, who’s looking mighty old), but also to his lady in waiting (the gorgeously adorable Kimberley Nixon.  see way below fo mo!).  And if you know stuff about monks, you know they aint suppose to be getting it on with chicks, unless they’s Art Monk. ART MONK RULESSSS!!!!!!!!!

So the monastery area is getting all black deathy and stuff, and his biznatch decides that it’s time to leave for safer ground, but he’s conflicted and waits for a sign before taking off.  That sign is Sean Bean.  Wait, you mean to tell me that Sean Bean is in a movie where he has a beard, long hair and wields a sword?  Yes, we do, and there aint nuttin wrong with Boromir being Boromir over and over again cause Boromir is never boring-mir!!!  So Beansy and some of his nasty looking mercenary cronies (John Lynch, Andy Nyman, Johnny Harris, Emun Elliott, etc) are on a quest to go to some village in the outerlands that apparently has been spared the plague!!!  SOUNDS INTERESTING!!!  And it is, so the monk sez he’ll join the party and show them the way, and also try to meet up with his honey bunny in the woods, so they can maybe hump like bunnies!!

The journey to the village is like whatevs and not all that notable, but once they finally get there, the time spent there got us thinking that this could be the second coming of the bestness that is The Wicker Man (not the Nic Cage version, although that version is not as awful as you think it is), and it sorta is!!!!  There’s so much MYSTERY as to what’s going on in this village, and what happened to the monk’s sweetie baby honey bunch, and what the deal with town hottie Carice van Houten is, and why she’s so powerful, and like so hot, but luckily for her, none of her doings lead to having poop dumped all over her [NSFW, see bottom row pics for poo]!!  Sweet!!!  And some crazy sh%t goes down (not telling!), and when that’s over, the movie should have ended, but then it goes on, for no good reason, and taking a cue from their mistake, we will stop this review… now!

She Is Not A Crook, Cause She Is So FLY!!! : we were all over Carey Mulligan before anyone, and we were with Kimberley Nixon too, 2 years ago, but she hasn’t exploded movie-wise yet, and that’s a shame! and why can’t America get her Cherrybomb movie, co-starring Ron Weasley & that awesome curly haired dude from Misfits, on DVD yet??? stop keeping this hotness from our shores DVD gods and monsters!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Death semi-defies in NY/LA/MN? this Friday & elsewhere elsewhen, BUT is already available on-demand!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…