Hail, Caesar!
What The Hail???
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

You sit there watching the Coen Bros‘ Hail, Caesar!, and you think to yourself – this is cool – they love old Hollywood, I love old Hollywood, they’re totally doing right by old Hollywood, and as the movie snappily moves along, you start to realize that nothing is really going on, and you’ve laughed MAYBE twice during this comedy, and by the time that Joel & Ethan’s name appear on screen to kick off the end credits, you start to question what in the film is there to actually hail?

It seems like the Coen Bros invested more time on casting, or OVER-casting (Josh Brolin, George Clooney, Alden Ehrenreich, Ralph Fiennes, Jonah Hill, Scarlett Johansson, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, Channing Tatum, Alison Pill, Christopher Lambert, Fred Melamed, Patrick Fischler, David Krumholtz, Fisher Stevens, Alex Karpovsky, Clancy Brown, Robert Picardo, Dolph Lundgren and Michael Gambon‘s voice), than they did trying to construct a fluid movie.  They have ideas – WAY too many of them - and they’d maybe work if they were short films, but together as one long film – it’s juss a bunch of loving valentines with no heart

What I don’t REALLY understand, like I also didn’t REALLY understand with Inside Llewyn Davis, is if this stuff is based on real–life stuff, then why do the Coen Bros bother to fictionalize it into fluff?  They would be better off actually making a movie about the real players, instead of trying to impress us with their impressions.  It’s a waste of their talents, and a waste of our time

I mean, they obviously put a lot of thought into the movie, but I juss didn’t think too much of it.  Less is more.  They needed less of most of it, and more Alden Ehrenreich.  He gets a hail + the sets + Josh Brolin’s tuff gruff + the double dip of Tilda Swinton

Trumbo captured a similar time and themes in Hollywood, but it lacked the professional polish the Coen Bros gave Caesar.  Maybe the Coen Bros should have made Trumbo, instead of trying to make a movie that makes you feel like a sad trombone after watching it

Hail YEAH!!: it’s been awhile since we highlighted some movie hotties.  so here’s two that need hailing!!!

Natasha Bassett

&

Emily Beecham

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Caesar is a mixed salad today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

need

33 Jump Street: Generations

[22 Jump Street Sequels]

The Wolf of Wall Street
The Mighty Jordan Belfortification 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 179 min

Marty Scorsese made Goodfellas, arguably one of the greatest films ever made (I say even better than The Godfathers!), then directed a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t as grrrrrrrrrreat, then dropped Casino on us, which was not AS grrrrrrrrrreat great as Goodfellas was is, but what movie really is????, but it was so fcuking RAWesome and so close to being as grrrrrrrrrreat, but then he did a bunch of other movies that were good, but nothing like either of those two grrrrrrrrrreat and almost AS grrrrrrrrrreat masterpieces.  Well, the 18 year wait has paid off with The Wolf of Wall Street, which is not AS grrrrrrrrrreat as Casino, but oh so fcuking close to being so, and oh so fcuking RAWesome in its own right.  Bless you Marty.  BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t know by now, Wolf is the VERY true story of Jordan Belfort, a small time scheming stockbroker who hit it big, at the expense of his clients.  Then lost it big, at the expense of those who helped him get there.  Jordan lived a life of BEYOND excess, and the film, adapted by Terence Winter from Belfort’s two books, displays this excess, and is excessive itself – clocking in at 1 minute under 3 hours!!!  And yet, not a single one of those manic, lude-filled minutes is wasted, even if Belfort, in the form of Leonardo DiCaprio, is wasted for about 96% of the movie  

Earlier this year, we saw DiCaprio live the extravagant life of another Long Island schemer, from another Wall Street friendly era, as the title Jay guy in Baz Luhrmann’s equally spastic The Great Gatsby. He was mainly reserved, with the energy and anger welled up, and his performance was udderly fantastic.  In Wolf, he’s the same guy, cept there’s nothing being reserved.  It’s all out on the table, being snorted, and then some (candle in the butt!!!) – marking DiCaprio’s single greatest performance (and dancing, see gif below) to date, which is some feat considering the list of unforgettable performances he’s handed in (Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Howard Hughes in Marty’s The Aviator, and Mr Hoover in Eastwood’s underpraised/loved J Edgar)

Anywho, DiCaprio aint alone in making this a Scorsese pic score and a must sese.  There’s his right-hand toothy man who does his in-office dirty work - Jonah Hill (this kid can’t fail), his other right-hand man who does his out-of-office dirty work - Jon Bernthal (perfect as a meathead muscle), bitchy trophy wife - Margot Robbie (being VERY NSFWlicious), dad Rob Reiner (Rob fcuking Reiner!!!), the wolf hunting FBI agent - Kyle Chandler (LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing his face on the big screen), sleazy mentor – Matthew McConaughey (remember when he wasted his and our time starring in endless crappy movies?), swifty Swiss banker - Jean Dujardin (The Artist CAN talk), and every single one of Belforts underlings (with names changed to protect godknows who), and in particular, the bespectacle and bestpect-o-cool PJ Byrne

Wolf is like a third-rate Goodfellas, which means it’s a first rate picture of this year, which means it’s one of the best of 2013.  TEEN WOLF THAT SHIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show Wolf is howls at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

This Is The End
Smarmageddon
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 107 min

OMG, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride and Craig Robinson plays themselves, in a movie!!!!  And in this movie, the world is being destroyed, but these guys survive, and they act as… themselves!!  And they’re stuck at James Franco’s house, which means we’re stuck with them.  And they think they’re so funny, so we’re forced to listen to their think they’re so funny jokes, that aren’t really that funny.  OK, so any time Danny McBride opens his mouth, or even lifts his eyebrows, we smile and laugh, but all that gets overshadowed by how much we could care less about Jay Baruchel, or minus-one note Seth Rogen, who co-wrote/directed this thing, by expanding his and Jay’s 2007 short film/trailer into something so over-long and over-done you truly wish the movie theater you were sitting in would get destroyed too.  Ugh.  Snooze.  But if you think Seth Rogen’s the funniest man since the last funny man who wasn’t that funny was the funniest man, then by all means, go see this movie that makes ‘funny’ rape jokes about Emma Watson, or drinking your own pee!  OK, so Michael Cera playing a crazy version of Michael Cera was pretty funny, but he leaves the film too soon and yer juss left with Jay Baruchel being Jay Baruchel and no one wants to see that, cept for apparently Seth Rogen, and probably Jay Baruchel’s parents

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

This Is The End has no beginning or end in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

21 Jump Street
They Got The Beat, Street
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 109 min

21 Jump Street the movie defied the following odds…

a) its trailer was horrible

b) aside from The Fugitive, Dragnet, The Brady Bunch, The Addams Family and The Untouchables, old TV shows rebooted to feature films suck

c) if it’s the 21st century and Ice Cube is in your movie, it’s probably not funny

How it bypassed all of these roadblocks is kinda a modern day movie miracle.  And on top of all that, it’s the most laugh out loud-able film we’ve seen since Jackass 3-D, but if yer talking actual scripted comedies, then it would be the laughiest riot laugh since 2008’s Step Brothers, but it’s better than Step Brothers, so we’d have to definitely say that 21 Jump Street is the funniest f$%king movie we’ve seen since the 2007 original version of Death At A Funeral!!!!!!  That’s right, yo, it’s taken 5 years to make us laugh that hard again.  You know we’re tough on comedy, but it’s a tough love.  No easy laughs, although we do love slapstick humor, which is kinda the easiest laugh giver of givers.  Anywho, take this paragraph for it’s worth, and that worth is that 21 Jump Street is comedy gold, and will probably end up as one of our favorites of 2012… and it’s only March.  WOW

Credit all involved, from the directors (hot buttery action from bottom to top by Phil Lord & Chris Miller), to the writers (Michael Bacall, who just gave us the crizzazzy Project X, with help from Jonah Hill, giving us the winkiest eye wink that will make you want to wink right back) and to the actors (Hill again, in silly straight man skinny mode, plus playing against type Channing Tatum, playing against type, and the aforementioned usually unfunny Ice Cube being funny, and Rob Riggle, who is also usually not funny also being funny, and Chris Parnell, who is criminally funny, being criminally funny, and it’s a crime in general that he doesn’t work more, cause he’s one of SNL’s best alumnuts, EVER, and a guy who looks exactly like a mini-James Franco cause he is a mini-James Franco, cause he is James Franco’s brother Dave Franco + some slices of Ellie Kemper & Nick Offerman, and finally Brie Larson, who you’ll instantly fall in love with, if you weren’t already, and who’s future’s so bright that she’d put Ray-Ban out of bidness)

So what more do you need to know?  Plot?  There is one.  A very decent enuff one that supports the rest of the funny bidness from becoming udder malarkey bidness

moral of the story – they made a movie out of a TV show that didn’t need a movie, and even if it’s barely sorta like the TV show, it’s better than the TV show, and better than any TV show that was turned into a movie since The Brady Bunch!  BAM!!!!

Fanning Over Dakota: Jess Weixler is fine and all, but we recommend you upgrade to the similiarish looking…

Dakota Johnson

and know who she is?

DON JOHNSON AND MELANIE GRIFFITH’S KID!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

21 Jumps into a theater near jews today!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…