Thighs Wide Shut

Fast Five
New Model, Same Make That Makes Our Day
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

Justin Lin‘s Five Fast Five Furious (what the film should really be called) is the best Fast/Furious film since #2.  Is that really saying much?  No, but like Prom, it’s eggzactly what it needs to be – fast cars and the lunkheads who drive them, hot woman surrounding them, and dialog so basic that it couldn’t even be written in Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code.  There was one scene in particular that took the cake, made us cackle for a full minute, and summaries the film and series as a whole:  Newbie/hottie Elsa Pataky has a case file in her hand and says ‘this doesn’t make any sense‘.  Her (also Fast rookie) superior  Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson takes the file in hand, sez ‘here’s what makes sense‘ and tosses it aside with much anger.  It so ridiculous that it almost must be seen to believed, and while udderly laughable, it’s eggzactly the kind of scene a Fast/Furious movie needs.  It’s a perfect self-reflexive moment of juss how testosteroned and over-the-top the whole affair is, and anything less would be uncivilized

So what’s new?  NOTHING, cept for the location, and the change is for the better.  The action takes place in Rio and its favelas, and even though this may not be no City of God, it’s a city of good… dumb fun.  Not only are Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster back behind the wheel, but so are there friends from the other installments like Tyrese Gibson (no one delivers more predictable and pathetic one-liners that audiences eat-up more than he does!), Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang, ultra fly Gal Gadot, Tego Calderon and Don Omar.  And what is this ‘dream team’ assembled to do?  Something like burn the dirty money of the Portuguese Phil Hartman (Joaquim de Almeida) or something, BUT WHO CARES WHEN THE CARS GO SO FAST AND THE WOMEN ARE SO HOT AND THERE ARE LIKE 3 TOTALLY WICKED RAD ACTION SEQUENCES, which are well worth the price of admission and admission that it’s OK to love refarted flicks like this.  RIDE ON!!!!

Fast Women: you already know about Israeli Gal Gadot (she’s like a taller, finer Natalie Portman!!)

but what about Spanish hottress Elsa Pataky?????

she’s far from tacky!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

5 is alive and well at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fast & Furious
Not So Fast and/or Furious
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We knew going into the definite article-less Fast & Furious that it wasn’t going to be a David Lean film, but this mindless entertainment wasn’t even close to being as mindless or entertaining as it needed to be. You’d think a fourth installment of anything would constitute everything gettin bigger and badder, so why throw yer thirsty audience something weaker and worser? There be many things mad wrong with this movie, and it really has nothing to do with Paul Walker‘s lack of acting chops or his crisps or Vin Diesel‘s ribbed shirts, for her pleasure. There’s way too much pointless plotting (leave the drug cartel bidness bustin up to Crockett & Tubbs) and way too few car chases and crashes. We don’t care about the drivers, we care about what they’re driving, and the skinny bizatches who get wet when they’re revved up. Speaking of, there was way too little Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster lesbian shower scenes. Actually there were none, but that doesn’t piss us off as much as the wrongest thing about this whole thing: the film wasn’t called 4 Fast 4 Furious. No one takes this shiz seriously, so why not name it 4F4F? As a franchise looking to the future, The Fast & The Furious mos def has wheels, albeit ones that looks mighty tiresome. Hopefully they’ll get it right next time, and at least call it 5 Fast 5 Furious

Gal Pal: meat Gal Gadot, a former Ms Israel who be mad ga-hot!!!

Verdictgo: not sirprizing, but nonetheless still disappointed that it’s Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

4 Fast 4 Furious is currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…